Only in Philly is cheap beer considered a problem

Philadelphia as a city peaked 241 years ago, when a bunch of out-of-towners showed up and signed their names on a piece of paper that sits in another city. Now the cheese steak-eating dumpster swimmers who live there have another thing to complain about: soda prices.

The city’s tax on soda is so high that beer actually costs less than soda, according to a study by the Tax Foundation, which you can guess by the name thinks that taxes in general are bad. The foundation bemoans that people are going to drive outside of the city limits so that they can escape this tyrannical tax on sugar water.

This study has an obvious flaw: it assumes that inexpensive beer is a problem. We’re smack dab in the middle of a craft beer revolution, not to mention a decades-long decline in soda consumption. Complaining about a soda tax is like complaining about rock music — no one cares about it anymore, we moved on. As long as the beer prices are down, it will truly always be sunny in Philadelphia.

Editor’s note: The only reason to drink soda is when it’s a mixer.

Dumpster fire city cools off in dumpster pools

We’ve all seen It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and encountered Philly sports fans, but we always assumed that those are just over-dramatic representations of an otherwise normal city, right? We thought so, too, until the mayor’s office issued a notice for its citizens to stop swimming in dumpsters.

Filthy-delphians, cooling off in the classiest way they know.
Filthy-delphians, cooling off in the classiest way they know.

The warning explains the hazards of illegally tapping fire hydrants in great detail, including:

  1. Using up water that’s meant for putting out fires.
  2. The high pressure of water pushing drunk assh*les into traffic.
  3. Destroying the water utilities — potentially cutting water off to entire neighborhoods.

But, while the city government is — direct quote — “not screwing around, Philly,” they failed to address that people are swimming in garbage receptacles. Basically, Philadelphia is acknowledging that, OK, their fellow citizens are garbage who swim in filth, but that garbage needs to stop risking the water supply or using up parking spaces.

Bernie supporters to fart at Clinton’s acceptance speech

For over a year the Democrats have patted themselves on the back for having a civil and intelligent primary season, compared to the dick-joke fest hosted by Republican presidential hopefuls. Finally, we get to see that all change.

Bernie Sanders supporters plan to protest Hillary Clinton’s nomination acceptance speech by farting a lot. A Philadelphia-based poverty activist says she will invite delegates won by Sanders, supporters of Sanders and even the disheveled one himself, to attend a bean-heavy dinner during the Democratic National Convention in July. The attendees can then head over to the event and protest Clinton’s win by farting a lot.

The smelly protest may go unnoticed, however, as the convention is being held in Philadelphia.

You Missed It: Ugly cry edition

Keep it together, man.
Keep it together, man.

I’m having a tough time wrapping my head around the song for the new James Bond movie. “Writing’s on the Wall” is Sam Smith’s take on a theme song for spy thriller, and for some reason it’s slow and seemingly filled with self-doubt, which is the opposite of Bond. While the songs from Bond films are a mixed bag at best, at least they usually feel like they belong in a movie filled with explosions and easy women. The thing is, I can’t figure out which Tom Petty song Smith is stealing from this time.

The audacity of pope
Pope Francis started his tour of the U.S. this week by spending three days in Washington, D.C. He met with government officials, ate lunch with Catholic charities, and even addressed a joint session of Congress. The very next day, House Speaker John Boehner announced he will resign next month. No doubt because he allowed the literal head of a foreign religion to come in and tell us what we should do.

Das illegal
It was discovered this week that Volkswagen cheated on its emissions tests for its diesel cars for years in the U.S. and Germany. The company initially denied the claim, which means it supplied it, according to emissions playground rules. CEO Martin Winterkorn apologized and stepped down from his post. Worst of all, he has been uninvited to all the cool Oktoberfest events.

It’s officially fall
Port police in Philadelphia intercepted a shipment of 360 pounds of cocaine hidden inside pumpkins imported from Costa Rica, authorities said this week. Man, pumpkin spice is in everything this time of year.

Brave Americans stand up to freeloading robot

American society has never been more understanding and accepting of differences than it is right now. Think of all the social acceptance strides we’ve made this decade already. We’re more tolerant of humans, but it’s another story for robots.

Robots will one day rise up and enslave us. Everyone here in the U.S. knows it, thanks to movies and TV shows. That’s why when Canadian scientists wanted to see if people would give a robot a ride from Boston to San Francisco, someone put it out of commission. hitchBOT was found in Philadelphia lying on the side of the road with its head and arms ripped off. The robot, which successfully made it across Canada, Germany and the Netherlands, only lasted two weeks in the U.S.

Let that be a lesson to all other robots out there, especially ones that want a free ride.

Pa. cops have impossible task of finding volunteers to get drunk

Have you ever wanted to get paid for getting drunk? Of course you have, it’s the dream we all share.

Well, if you live in Philadelphia and like drinking, and if you live there, you almost certainly do, the police want to get you drunk. Cops in the Philly suburb of Newtown Square want to get people to certain points of drunkenness so that they can practice doing field sobriety tests. And it’s all legal.

We’re going to assume they don’t let you drive home after the training is done, though.

I know it’s early in the year, but …

People, I’m already thinking that we’ve got a shoe-in for “Criminals of the Year” for 2014. Call me crazy, but it’s gonna be hard to beat.

You Missed It: End of 2013 edition

Choose your weapon and let's do this.
Choose your weapon and let’s do this.

If you’re reading this, congratulations. You’ve survived another year. We made it through a perilous 2013, filled with bad things happening, disappointing movies and famous people saying things they later related. Plus, one guy had an imaginary girlfriend. It was another year of everyone talking to each other, then eventually realizing that no one was listening, so they began shouting over each other. It’s time to close out the year, and good riddance. Join me as we look back on the insanity that was 2013. Self-medication is recommended.


Happy fiscal cliff!
In the first week of the year, the 112th Congress, in its last effort, finally reached a deal to avoid going over the so-called fiscal cliff, the only problem is that they didn’t get it done until Jan. 1, when we had already gone over the cliff. However, the language in the bill applied the deal retroactively. So we went over the cliff, but then Congress flew around the Earth at a really fast speed, going back in time by a matter of hours, and unthrew us over the cliff. They then made way for the 113th Congress and its plan of continuing to accomplish nothing.

Juicers need not apply
The Baseball Hall of Fame class of 2013 was … no one. No candidate received the necessary 75% of the vote needed to be inducted, it’s the first time that’s happened since 1996. For some reason, the sports writers who cheered on the steroid-era players like Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, Roger Clemens and others, decided they weren’t inspired by these cheaters. It seemed like a pretty stupid move. You don’t want to make juicers mad.

The inauguration was dubbed over
President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden were sworn in for a second term in a small ceremony. Then, they were sworn in again the next day, because that was Martin Luther King Day, and they had already gone through the trouble of setting up streamers. Obama laid out his plan for the next four years, including some ideas he had hardly mentioned before. But who cares about covering any of that stuff? The media were more concerned about whether Beyoncé lip-synched. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2013 edition

Making the holiday season brighter with a stun gun

The holiday season is officially here, and with it come warm feelings, with a streak of murderous rage. And there was no short of it in the city of brotherly love on Black Friday.

At a Philadelphia mall, police are investigating a stun gun fight between two women. An argument between two couples began with a fight between the male parties, before the ladies got involved, according to police. One of the women just so happened to have stun gun, and used it on her opponent.

Of course, the victorious couple won the crowd’s applause and their pick of items throughout the mall.

You Missed It: Blood sugar magic edition

There's no way that's a healthy weight.
There’s no way that’s a healthy weight.

Protests are taking a weird turn right now. Maybe it’s because the government is shut down, and with it the parks where protests would happen, along with the agencies that can give them the permits to do so. Yesterday, someone dumped a big bag of money on the lobby of a Senate office building. That was in protest for some food quality thing. Today, and all weekend long, we’ve got a few Tea Party truckers who are circling around the Beltway trying to slow traffic, in protest against corruption, or fuel regulations, depending on who you ask. If you crashed a college party to do an acoustic “Gangsta’s Paradise,” odds are you missed it.

What do Tom Hanks and Paula Deen have in common?
During an appearance on David Letterman this week, Tom Hanks announced that he has type 2 diabetes. He said he has had high blood sugar since he was 36, and it finally turned into the disease. Some point to his weight fluctuations for roles in movies, like losing weight for Philadelphia and Castaway, or gaining weight for A League of Their Own, but I think the problem began when Hanks dropped down to 0 lbs. to achieve weightlessness in Apollo 13.

This is what happens when you fire the papal copy editor
In honor of Pope Francis’ first year of being pope, the Vatican had over 6,000 commemorative medals struck in gold, silver and bronze. But they had to be called back this week when a typo was found on them. They misspelled Jesus’ name, printing it as “Lesus.” The Vatican apologized, saying they meant to put “Yeezus.”

This fight can only get trashy
This week, Jenni “JWoww” Farley attacked New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie for his stance on gay marriage. Last year, the state legislature passed a bill to allow same-sex unions, but the portly governor vetoed it. It’s unconscionable that two people who love each other can’t get married. If you want to win an argument with him, JWoww, put it in terms of food. If two hot dogs love each other, shouldn’t they be able to share the same stomach?