According the doctors from the Philippines’ Department of Health and Manila’s Jose Fabella Memorial Hospital, newborn Danica May Camacho is the 7-billionth existing human being on Earth.
But, not so fast with those congratulations.
Officials in Uttar Pradesh, India say they will be appointing seven 7-billionth girls. And you just know that China, Russia, Iran and the United States will each have their own 7-billionth children.
What’s the U.N. doing to control this brewing international pissing match, you ask? Nothing. They believe “it is impossible to pinpoint the arrival of the globe’s 7 billionth occupant,” so they’re allowing a series of symbolic children to be declared the 7-billionth.
To which we say that’s it’s all symbolic fun and games until all of the appointed 7-billionth children fight each other to the death until only one remains to win the prize.
Remember a few days ago when I mentioned how two alligators were made victims of their own devilish ambition by unknown heroes?
Well, the battle against crocodilians continues, but this time, with quite the victory from our forces!
A giant crocodile (and when the number 21 is dropped in relation to feet, we mean GIANT) patrolling around the waters of Manila in the Philippines, most probably guilty of having caused a fisherman to go missing in July, was captured through the ingenuity of a mayor and his loyal constituents.
“We were nervous but it’s our duty to deal with a threat to the villagers,” [Mayor Edwin Cox] Elorde told The Associated Press by telephone.
The plan is to now turn the reptile into an attraction at an ecotourism park, thus turning what could’ve been a bane into a boon. It also helps that by keeping the creature alive, we now have a massively visible symbolic victory. We at SG applaud you all.
As if machine rebellion and amphibian plagues weren’t enough, it seems that another sign of the end times has popped up in the form of terrifying swarms of monstrous jellyfish. Scientists monitoring jellyfish activity off the coasts of China and Japan have reported crazy-huge numbers of Nomura’s jellyfish, a giant species that is wider than a man is tall, and three times his weight.
Swarms (or blooms, for the cultured people among us) of jellyfish have been reported in increasing numbers in recent year, killing off fishing populations, shutting down beaches, destroying fishnets and even disabling power plants. One swarm (I don’t care nun for mys culture!) clogged the intake pipes of a power plant in the Philippines, causing a blackout and leading people to think that a coup d’etat had been launched. Which probably isn’t far from what the animals were attempting.
However, such swarms are also known to be a seasonal, natural phenomena, and part of the reproduction process of most jelly species. Theories posited to explain the increase in their size and frequency range from the effects of climate change (warming waters are drawing jellies upward), overfishing (species that eat jellies are being depopulated), and human impact (industrial waste and dams increasing the nutrient level in coastal waters).
Isolation, brothers and sisters! We don’t need to swim! Once they leave the water, the victory is ours!