Hoverboards unwelcome in church

Not everyone in the Philippines was in the holiday spirit on Christmas.

A Catholic priest has been suspended, but not for the reason we’re used to. According to the diocese, Father Albert San Jose rode around on a “hoverboard” and sang during Christmas Eve mass. Rather than seeing it as a miracle that scooter didn’t catch fire, the diocese said the stunt did not treat the mass with the respect it deserves.

Meanwhile, Jesus can walk on water and the Church is A-OK with that.

Cops in Philippines to wear adult diapers

The Pope is visiting the Philippines, and traffic cops are so excited they are soiling themselves.

Cops directing traffic in Manila will be required to wear adult diapers while Pope Francis is in town. There’s no reason given, but all the cops seem to be on board. It seems reasonable to say that the cops are expecting long shifts and don’t foresee bathroom breaks during them.

That means that the Popemobile may be brought back, if only so that His Holiness doesn’t have to deal with the smell.

The last massage you’ll ever have

Our readership in Japan just skyrocketed.
Our readership in Japan just skyrocketed.

The next time you’re going to the Philippines, don’t–especially not the Cebu City Zoo. They are trying to kill you.

In an effort to give parkgoers a unique experience, the zoo is offering python massages, which are exactly what they sound like. The idea is that the weight of the snakes and their slithery motions on you relaxes you and works out the kinks in your muscles.

That’s of course if you can forget that there are a bunch of snakes slithering across you, and they kill things by wrapping themselves around animals and squeezing the life out of them.

Americans fail to medal in team liquor drinking

The year is only two months old, and we’ve got more bad news for the U.S. in the realm of international drinking. We already told you that India leads the world in whiskey drinking.

When it comes to drinking liquor, South Korea is kicking our ass. What’s worse is that Team USA barely cracks the top 10. We average 3.3 shots per week, regardless of liquor. Whoever is leaving the 0.7 shots in the glass each week is probably a lightweight. Out ranking us, from #9 to #1, are Brazil, Slovakia, Ukraine, Bulgaria, Japan, Thailand, Philippines, Russia, and South Korea.

Russians drink 6.3 shots per week, nearly twice what we do. But South Koreans make even the Russians look like wine-cooler-sipping high school girls, averaging 13.7 shots per week.

The study only counts those of legal age, so there’s no doubt the U.S. would do better if the American sub-21 crowd was let in to compete on the international stage. Those of us who can legally drink need to step it up.

Ikea sends next disaster to Philippines

Every so often, the entire media focuses on one aspect of a story, only to miss the real story hidden in their report. When that happens, The Guys point out The Real Story.

Let's just say Ikea knows what Filipinos are going to spend their Ikea money on.
Let’s just say Ikea knows what Filipinos are going to spend their Ikea money on.

China, fresh from their row with America’s fourth-most-famous current late night talk show host, is back in the media spotlight, this time for only pledging $100,000 in aid to the Philippines, and then only raising that amount to $1.6 million after the island nation was struck by earthquakes and Typhoon Haiyan. But, the real story is who outbid them:

China’s pledge, which it boosted after getting flack for its original offer of $100,000, is a fraction of the amounts pledged by other countries in the region and much farther away, including the USA, which pledged $20 million. Australia promised $30 million. The United Kingdom offered $16 million. Japan and United Arab Emirates each pledged $10 million. Ikea is sending $2.7 million, according to Unicef.

Yes, Ikea is sending aid to the Phillipines. The only problem is that, once it arrives, the Filipinos will have to put that aid together themselves. So, get ready for the next disaster to hit the archipelago: rising divorce rates and dangerously unsteady malms.

You Missed It: Hatin’ dolphin edition

U mad, bro?
U mad, bro?

Right now, the strongest storm you may ever see in your lifetime is raging on the other side of the world. When Super Typhoon Haiyan made landfall in the Philippines today, winds were 195 mph, with gusts of up to 235 mph. This raises two questions for me. Why don’t we get to name anything a “super hurricane?” It just sounds cooler. Also, why do we in North America freak out so much over our weather. People in the South Pacific are faced with the mother of all storms, and they’re just calming hunkering down for the day. If you’re a World Series MVP who was busy coming in third in Boston’s mayoral race this week, odds are you missed it.

Incognito exposed
This week, the Miami Dolphins found themselves in hot water when offensive lineman Richie Incognito was accused of threatening and physically abusing teammate Jonathan Martin. Audio was released of OL using racial slurs and making threats against Martin and his family, and video of a shirtless rant at a bar. The Dolphins, for the most part, have tried to play it off, saying that it’s just part of team building. Considering that they are 4-4 this season, Miami might want to think about a different approach, preferably one not also used by the KKK.

Toronto makes headlines for first time since SARS
It was a somewhat significant week in American politics, with the gubernatorial elections in New Jersey and Virginia, but the real political news came out of Canada this week. Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, admitted, after months of denial, that he has smoked crack cocaine. He also freely admits that he drinks a bit much sometimes and a video was released this week with Ford making a death threat. Yet he refuses to step down. The Miami Dolphins let Ford know that if he ever does resign, he’s got a spot on their roster.

The bugs are sending them
A report released this week found that meteorites, like the one that exploded over Russia earlier this year, are seven times more likely than previously thought. You may remember that the sound wave from the space rock explosion damaged buildings and knocked people over, which is only a fraction of what could have happened if it had struck the Earth intact. Yep, apparently that’s way more likely than we thought. Sleep well, everyone!

There can be only one 7-billionth child

According the doctors from the Philippines’ Department of Health and Manila’s Jose Fabella Memorial Hospital, newborn Danica May Camacho is the 7-billionth existing human being on Earth.

But, not so fast with those congratulations.

Officials in Uttar Pradesh, India say they will be appointing seven 7-billionth girls. And you just know that China, Russia, Iran and the United States will each have their own 7-billionth children.

What’s the U.N. doing to control this brewing international pissing match, you ask? Nothing. They believe “it is impossible to pinpoint the arrival of the globe’s 7 billionth occupant,” so they’re allowing a series of symbolic children to be declared the 7-billionth.

To which we say that’s it’s all symbolic fun and games until all of the appointed 7-billionth children fight each other to the death until only one remains to win the prize.

Paul Hogan is oddly nowhere to be seen

Remember a few days ago when I mentioned how two alligators were made victims of their own devilish ambition by unknown heroes?

Well, the battle against crocodilians continues, but this time, with quite the victory from our forces!

A giant crocodile (and when the number 21 is dropped in relation to feet, we mean GIANT) patrolling around the waters of Manila in the Philippines, most probably guilty of having caused a fisherman to go missing in July, was captured through the ingenuity of a mayor and his loyal constituents.

“We were nervous but it’s our duty to deal with a threat to the villagers,” [Mayor Edwin Cox] Elorde told The Associated Press by telephone.

The plan is to now turn the reptile into an attraction at an ecotourism park, thus turning what could’ve been a bane into a boon. It also helps that by keeping the creature alive, we now have a massively visible symbolic victory. We at SG applaud you all.

Japan to be invaded by tentacled animals, just another Tuesday

As if machine rebellion and amphibian plagues weren’t enough, it seems that another sign of the end times has popped up in the form of terrifying swarms of monstrous jellyfish. Scientists monitoring jellyfish activity off the coasts of China and Japan have reported crazy-huge numbers of Nomura’s jellyfish, a giant species that is wider than a man is tall, and three times his weight.

Swarms (or blooms, for the cultured people among us) of jellyfish have been reported in increasing numbers in recent year, killing off fishing populations, shutting down beaches, destroying fishnets and even disabling power plants. One swarm (I don’t care nun for mys culture!) clogged the intake pipes of a power plant in the Philippines, causing a blackout and leading people to think that a coup d’etat had been launched. Which probably isn’t far from what the animals were attempting.

However, such swarms are also known to be a seasonal, natural phenomena, and part of the reproduction process of most jelly species. Theories posited to explain the increase in their size and frequency range from the effects of climate change (warming waters are drawing jellies upward), overfishing (species that eat jellies are being depopulated), and human impact (industrial waste and dams increasing the nutrient level in coastal waters).

Isolation, brothers and sisters! We don’t need to swim! Once they leave the water, the victory is ours!