A 19-year-old mother in Phoenix accidentally left her five-week-old son on the roof of her car and drove off. The baby was fortunately in his child safety seat and suffered no injuries. According to the report, she admitted to smoking marijuana, which may have contributed to her forgetfulness. Her coffee, however, was securely placed in a cupholder and is fine despite being from Starbucks.
On a positive note, neither the pot nor the roof-top baby incident should bar her entry into the 2028 presidential campaign.
For at least the first six years of The Guys’ lives, we were breastfed. When we were kicked off the teat habit, we picked up drinking, which probably says all sorts of Freudian things about us.
So, we get it when mothers want to breastfeed wherever and whenever it’s necessary. We could really kick over some store displays when we went into withdrawal. (The shakes can really boost the force behind a toddler’s weight.)
But, in McDonald’s? Really?
“Most critics said they feel nursing should be a private thing between a mother and her child, to which one nurse-in mother said, ‘Do you want me to take my baby into a dirty bathroom stall?’“
Lady, look around. You’re in a McDonald’s. There isn’t a whole lot of difference between the floors in the bathroom or the dining room. And you can get crabs from either’s seating.
Imagine this, if you will: you live in Arizona. In July. As such, it tends to be very warm, to say the least, and more along the lines of pretty hot. As such, one would expect to take precautions if you’re leaving the house.
Not if you’re James Wankel. He’s a man, he won’t take any guff from the weather and he needs to see that mailman now. Of course, James is also 78 years old. This means that he’ll probably need to put some extra protection on if he’s going outside, just in case.
Except, he really needs to see that mailman now. Well James, don’t be surprised that you get second degree burns if step on a hot Arizona street in the middle of July. Just an FYI.
In response to Arizona’s illegal immigrant laws, The Guys hereby announce that we will not buy any Arizona goods or services until the more draconian measures are repealed or the state is swallowed whole by New Mexico.
That’s right, folks: it’s our first SeriouslyGuyCott. This ain’t no sissy boycott; we are guys and “mancott” just sounds illegal, even on the Internet.
We’re in good company, too. The City of San Francisco is also considering a boycott of all things Arizonian, which includes:
- Arizona Brand Jeans — Maybe JC Penny’s should reinvest in Bugle Boy exclusivity.
- AriZona Iced Tea — This should alleviate the warts on our tongues.
- The Arizona Cardinals — There’s always the Detroit Lions.
- Phoenix Tears — We’re switching to an all aloe operation.
- John McCain — Though we stopped buying into him back in 2000, we certainly don’t have to start again.
School administrators are outraged–OUTRAGED–that a choral director took 40 of her high school students to Hooters.
To be honest, we’re a little disappointed, too. Those students get to see enough tight t-shirts and low self-esteem in class. The least she could do is take them where they could actually see some tits.
In other news, teachers are still allowed to take students to symphony orchestra performances that feature pianists, tromboners and xylophone sex operators. (What? That’s what they’re called!)
Some of you may have heard about the strange lights that flew over Phoenix earlier this week. Some of you may have even donned your tinfoil hats in response. Some said it was an alien spacecraft, some said it was a sign the second coming of Jesus Christ, still others said it was a UFO.
Technically, the latter were right, because it was some sort of flying object that was not identified, but let’s move on.
But now it seems it may have been all just a clever, clever hoax by some dude with some road flares, fishing line and helium balloons. What the story fails to address is what if this is just a cover-up? Who is to say that the aliens don’t have road flare/fishing line technology?