You Missed It: Silent war edition

Warmongers everywhere.

This is the worst time of year for sports. Football is over. Baseball isn’t here yet. It’s the dog days of the hockey season. And basketball sucks. Sure, there’s March Madness to look forward to, but that’s just about brackets, not about the sport. Regardless, it’s basketball, which is just barely above racing in terms of sports I care about. If you were busy asking the FBI to go to bat for you this week, odds are you missed it.

Phones can start wars
Kids are always texting and tweeting on the cellphones, right? No one thinks that it’s a bigger problem than Pope Francis. During an address to some students, His Holiness advised the kids to put their phones down at the dinner table and have a real, face-to-face conversation with adults, or else it’s “the start of war if there is no dialogue.” However, the students were too busy plotting their war against adults via text message.

New level of s*&^$y performance
A band made headlines this week after reports surfaced that a failed enema stunt on stage got them banned from a venue in Houston. According to the bar owner, Sonic Rabbit Hole performed on stage, and then one band member gave another member an enema, and the bag burst. And that, Mr. President, is why we need to support the arts.

Joke’s on him
Speaking of disgusting enemas, some guy got dropped from his book deal, as well as a speaking gig at an ultra-conservative conference, and was forced to resign from his job because he argued for child molestation. Moving on.

‘Not now, Mommy’s taking a selfie’

Modern parents kind of suck, don’t they? Individually, they’re nice people, but as a group, they’re insufferable. Plus, they all hate each other’s views on parenthood. Everyone thinks they know what they’re doing, which means that no one actually does.

We’ve got science to back up part of this. A recent study found that one third of parents remain glued to their phones when out to eat with their children. Amazingly enough, when their parents ignored them for Candy Crush, the kids tended to act up–which everyone loves in a restaurant.

So, parents everywhere: Treat your kid like it’s a real person. No one likes it when some strange child peeks over the bench and stares at them.

Kids everywhere: Spit up on your parents’ phones next time you’re out, it might make you a better person in the end.

Now you can resign with an ‘LOL’

How many times have you wanted to quit your job, but found you were too lazy to get up from your desk and do it? Do you have a really intimidating boss, and just can’t stand to face him in person? Luckily, there’s an app for you.

The Quit Your Job app for iPhone does exactly what its name says. It quits your job for you, via text message. So now, instead of being all professional about it, or taking time to really think things through, you can be impulsive and passive aggressive.

Unfortunately, Quit Your Job does not have a Can I Count On You As A Reference? sister app just yet.

Even the government is getting behind on payments

Greece has had some issues as of late. Perhaps you’ve heard about the country going bankrupt and riots in Athens. At crucial times like that, it’s important that leaders be able to communicate. That didn’t work so well.

Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou had his home phone cut off by accident recently when the phone company meant to cut off a customer who had not kept up with his or her bills. Oh well, not like there’s a nationwide crisis going on.

Take it from Snee: A few more things

As I established last “lightning round,” there are certain thoughts I have that don’t really make an entire Take it from Snee. They’re just ideas I save up from stories I read and, when the week’s particularly slow, I just ejaculate them into one gonzo post.

So, enjoy my brain ejaculations.

I promise to avoid your hair and those pants that are dry clean only. But you’re on your own for your eyes. You don’t like this? Keep ’em shut. Continue reading Take it from Snee: A few more things