If you can cut off the lines of supply for the enemy in war, you can starve them out and nearly win the war in one fell swoop. One Chicago alderman is now using that line of thinking (we assume) to end the verminous scourge that is pigeons and we wholeheartedly support it!
James Cappelman is proposing to make it a majorly punishable crime to feed pigeons. Serial offenders could face up to a grand in a fine and six months in jail. We couldn’t be happier for this to pass, as doing so would not only strike a blow against our foes, but also clean up a major metropolitan city of our nation. Win-win!
Cappelman, you have all our SeriouslyGuys’ lobbying support! Oh, what’s that? We can’t lobby for you. No problem. You have our spiritual support instead.
Now they’re after our entertainment.
In St. Louis, the Kings of Leon were trying to perform for all the nice people who paid to see them, but pigeons had other plans. The outdoor concert was cut short–way, way short–after only three songs, because pigeons kept pooping on them.
It got so bad that band members were being hit during every long they played. Apparently, the animals of hearing that “Use Somebodaaaaaaayah” song.
Maybe Iran isn’t so bad after all?
So, imagine this: you’re the head of a country. You’re really keen on getting your uranium. I mean, who isn’t, right? OK, so you’re just minding your own business, uranium-ing around when all of sudden, you’re being bombarded! Oh no! You’re being spied upon! By pigeons, no less! Quick, eradicate them! You have to. It’s a matter of national security! I mean, when you’re being spied upon by insidious pigeons with invisible strings, no cost is too great.
Hold on–“invisible strings”? OK, nevermind. Iran, you’re a bunch of dummies. Also, animals? Stop it. We don’t need you all to incite the human race into fighting each other, thank you very much.
Tennis is not only one of the games you can play on a Wii, it is one of the most popular racket-based sports in Western culture (right after racket puck and racket futbol). But in England, one of the sport’s most hallowed events, Wimbledon, is under attack by pigeons.
Yes, pigeons like to land on the court during matches, but the Brits have a solution that we proudly endorse: shoot the bastards. That’s right, snipers will be employed at Wimbledon to take out pigeons before they can land or make one of their treacherous carpet bombs all over your shirt. If that does not work, we recommend calling in sportsman and proud warrior Randy Johnson.
Here at home, Americans are being attacked doing things we all do regularly. For example, checking the mail can even be dangerous. A New Hampshire woman received quite a shock when she found a non-poisonous corn snake in her mailbox. Worst of all, it did not have the required postage. We all know gerbils are sneaky, lethal pets ready to snap and maul the children. In Utah, a gerbil is being blamed for an accident when it escaped from its cage as its teen owner was transporting it in her car. Two people were sent to the hospital, the gerbil has yet to be charged.