Pigeons, not robots, will take over your job

They can also get to work faster than you.

Pigeons: Scourge of statues and friend to weird loners in the park everywhere, may be better at doing your job than you. It’s science.

According to a recent study, pigeons perform just as well, if not better, in switching between tasks quickly. Their high-order cognitive processing is just as good as ours. Scientists say this could lead to jobs once thought to need the intelligence of a human to instead be performed by a pigeon. Simply put: the birds are better at multitasking than you are, and they’re coming for your job.

Such a shift would no doubt delight business owners everywhere. There’s no law that says you have to pay animals for their work. You don’t really have to provide them health care coverage, either. And bird seed costs less than keeping the lights, water and heat running in an office setting. Think of the savings.

Science: Pigeons can read

Good god, the birds know that reading is fun-damental.
Good god, the birds know that reading is fun-damental.

For a decade, we’ve operated under the assumption that we could freely communicate in written text here on SG. But now we’re learning that we’re not safe even here. It turns out that pigeons can read. This is the worst news since we learned that dogs can hear Donald Trump’s dog whistles.

Researchers have found that with some training, pigeons are able to read four-letter words, even differentiating the correctly spelled words from misspelled ones. Some say this discovery is the result of a lot of training, while others believe that the birds have always had the capacity to read, but we’ve only just now thought to test it out.

Either way, pigeons, if you can read this, you will not win. And we have a few four-letter words for you.

English monument collected tons of pigeon poop

England is covered in historical stuff. You can’t walk two metres without hitting a pub that some dandy drank a hogshead of ale at some six centuries ago. But not everything old and historical is worth it.

A monument dating back to medieval times was due for its once-a-millennium cleaning, and experts found it was filled with about 28 tons of pigeon crap stacked three feet high. The towers on the Landgate Arch has no roof. That means they are basically open pits for birds. The cleaners had trouble opening the door to the tower because of the weight of the pigeon poop inside. They said the interior was “like walking on a giant chocolate cake,” only it didn’t smell like cake.

Hope you weren’t eating just now.

Animals attack higher education

The animals want to make sure we don’t educate our best and brightest in the upcoming generation.

In the U.K., exams for a class at Bangor University had to be postponed because two pigeons infiltrated the lecture hall and staged a sit-in. They were apparently sitting off in a corner cooing away while students tried to take their finals. Finally, the distraction of their sounds, and the threat of getting pooped on, no doubt, the exam was postponed.

We can only assume the campus police dealt with the offending birds harshly.

Zombie pigeons: The flocking dead

"Breaaaaaad."
“Breaaaaaad.”

When we look back on how the zombie apocalypse happened, we may find out that it all began on the streets of Moscow. Not even the iron fist of Vladimir Putin was able to stop it, because he doesn’t control the pigeons.

“Zombie” pigeons are walking through the city, and they just might be coming for you, comrade. The normally skittish birds are walking around despondent. They don’t fly away when someone walks by. They have their heads down, and they don’t seem to notice anything else. In other words, it’s like they’re on their smartphones.

Scientists believe the birds have Newcastle disease, which causes them to lose their sense of direction and balance before they die. The worst part is that scientists say it can transferred to humans.

Canada’s losing strategy

Canada’s health care system is oot of control.

A town in British Columbia, which, as we understand it, is neither British nor Colombian, has a pigeon problem. It’s really serious, you guys. They poop a lot, if you haven’t heard. Rather than solve things the American way by shooting them or releasing hawks to kill the bastards, the town wants to provide birth control for the pests.

The plan is to feed the birds a drug that will eventually make them sterile. This is what the War on Animals could look like in Obama’s America.

Cost of feeding pigeons may go up, up, UP!

If you can cut off the lines of supply for the enemy in war, you can starve them out and nearly win the war in one fell swoop. One Chicago alderman is now using that line of thinking (we assume) to end the verminous scourge that is pigeons and we wholeheartedly support it!

James Cappelman is proposing to make it a majorly punishable crime to feed pigeons. Serial offenders could face up to a grand in a fine and six months in jail. We couldn’t be happier for this to pass, as doing so would not only strike a blow against our foes, but also clean up a major metropolitan city of our nation. Win-win!

Cappelman, you have all our SeriouslyGuys’ lobbying support! Oh, what’s that? We can’t lobby for you. No problem. You have our spiritual support instead.

Bombing run

Now they’re after our entertainment.

In St. Louis, the Kings of Leon were trying to perform for all the nice people who paid to see them, but pigeons had other plans. The outdoor concert was cut short–way, way short–after only three songs, because pigeons kept pooping on them.

It got so bad that band members were being hit during every long they played. Apparently, the animals of hearing that “Use Somebodaaaaaaayah” song.

Iran terminates spy pigeons, Robert Rodriguez intrigued by concept

Maybe Iran isn’t so bad after all?

So, imagine this: you’re the head of a country. You’re really keen on getting your uranium. I mean, who isn’t, right? OK, so you’re just minding your own business, uranium-ing around when all of sudden, you’re being bombarded! Oh no! You’re being spied upon! By pigeons, no less! Quick, eradicate them! You have to. It’s a matter of national security! I mean, when you’re being spied upon by insidious pigeons with invisible strings, no cost is too great.

……

Hold on–“invisible strings”? OK, nevermind. Iran, you’re a bunch of dummies. Also, animals? Stop it. We don’t need you all to incite the human race into fighting each other, thank you very much.

War at home and abroad

Tennis is not only one of the games you can play on a Wii, it is one of the most popular racket-based sports in Western culture (right after racket puck and racket futbol). But in England, one of the sport’s most hallowed events, Wimbledon, is under attack by pigeons.

Yes, pigeons like to land on the court during matches, but the Brits have a solution that we proudly endorse: shoot the bastards. That’s right, snipers will be employed at Wimbledon to take out pigeons before they can land or make one of their treacherous carpet bombs all over your shirt. If that does not work, we recommend calling in sportsman and proud warrior Randy Johnson.

Here at home, Americans are being attacked doing things we all do regularly. For example, checking the mail can even be dangerous. A New Hampshire woman received quite a shock when she found a non-poisonous corn snake in her mailbox. Worst of all, it did not have the required postage. We all know gerbils are sneaky, lethal pets ready to snap and maul the children. In Utah, a gerbil is being blamed for an accident when it escaped from its cage as its teen owner was transporting it in her car. Two people were sent to the hospital, the gerbil has yet to be charged.