War on Animals, eh?

The animals are focusing their attacks on our neighbors (or as they say in Canadian, “neighbours”) to the North. Last week, a pig wearing a scarf held up highway traffic in southern Ontario. Several callers told the police that they saw the beast walking along the road, but the commuter menace eluded authorities.

A day later, an apparently wild rooster has been terrorizing people in Saint John, New Brunswick. The rooster has been waking up residents early in the morning, and has apparently set up shop in one family’s back yard. The sleep-deprived citizens is becoming a problem for people with its loud crows and disparaging remarks about peoples’ mothers. Here’s a thought: someone leave their cat out one night.

Another case of government pork

Sometimes, the United Kingdom is one of our closest allies. In nearly every war we’ve fought since double ya double ya ah, we’ve been joined at the hip heading into battle (except for World War II, where we decided to sit the first couple years out).

But now, there’s a rift that could threaten to undo the great alliance between the limeys and the Greatest Nation on Earth. You may have heard about the whole dissolution of Parliament and Prime Minister Gordon Brown stepping down thing, but did you know that they hold elections there, too?

That’s a good thing, America likes democracy, but we don’t let our animals vote. England cannot say the same thing. An English woman said her pig, or as they call them over there, “pig,” received a voter registration letter for the upcoming general election. How can we possibly be allies with a country that let’s mankind’s greatest foe vote in its own elections?

I’m pretty sure that’s what the War of 1812 was about.

Tastes like chicken … and science

Since 2006, Dutch scientists have been growing pork from pig stem cells, and they are only now letting us in on this awesomeness. Apparently, you can make decent tasting food from stem cells, the only thing is that the texture is off. They say this could one day help win the war against hunger around the world.

But let’s take a step back for a moment. Science wants to use human stem cells under the guise of trying to cure diseases like Michael J. Fox Disease. But really, if pig stem cells can grow pork, who’s to say that human stem cells won’t be used to make human meat to feed the ever-growing masses?

It’s only a matter of time before the H1N1cat catches on

For months we have blamed Mexican farmers having intercourse with their pigs (or cerdos) as the cause of swine flu. But did you know that H1N1, or whatever it’s calling itself these days, is really a combination of swine flu and avian flu? What’s more, it originated right here in the U.S. of A.

But where did it come from? Obviously, it was a plot from the animals to kill us all, but how did they get it to us? We may have just found out it was a cleverer conspiracy than we ever imagined: house pets. No, your goldfish isn’t going to get you sick, but your cat might. In fact, one cat was recently diagnosed with H1N1.

Perhaps cats across the country ate birds with avian flu and stole pieces of raw bacon with swine flu, hoping to make the perfect mixture. If every cat in the country has H1N1, it would certainly explain why they barf so much.

(And yes, that is our Headline of the Day.)

Pigs: They don’t seem to like us

Swine flu is becoming a big deal, and not just to the news media. The illness is becoming a pandemic, and several people could die. But wait, it gets worse.

Pig farmers are worried that humans may give swine flu to their swines. Yeah, well, didn’t they give it to us in the first place? As it turns out, probably not. Sure they helped create the illness, but pigs don’t have the bug. This obviously means they made it to hurt us.

But now, we have the chance to take the fight back to them. We can try to infect them and watch as swine flu rips through their ranks. We can take this attack and turn it into something that can hurt our enemy instead. Folks, get coughing.

You Missed It: The other white meat edition

Happy May Day, comrade! May is finally here, which means more flowers that give off pollen–ugh. But seriously, if you are celebrating May Day today, the Department of Homeland Security would like to have a word with you. Me? I’m celebrating Bealtaine, the beginning of the Celtic summer. If you were too busy celebrating 100 days at your new job, odds are you missed it.

You’re telling me I can no longer express my love for pigs?
You probably have not heard yet, but there’s an outbreak of swine flu, and apparently people are really upset about it. Right now, over 300 people have it and are at home having chicken noodle soup, assuming there’s no avian flu in it. The illness came from Mexico and is steadily making its way here in the U.S.–as if we didn’t regret coming back from spring break with an itch already.

She’s got the need, the need for a same-sex relationship
Remember Kelly McGillis? She was that super-hot flight instructor that buzzed Tom Cruise’s flight tower in Top Gun? Yeah, turns out she likes the ladies now. Guess someone did not take her to bed, and as such, lost her forever. In a related note, this would have been so much cooler if it had happened 20 years ago.

So long, and thanks for all the opinions
Supreme Court Justice David Souter announced that he is going to step down soon, setting up the debate of who will replace him on the bench. Souter, a Bush Sr. appointee, has been known for his dry wit, his quiet demeanor and …. Sorry, dozed off there for a second. Souter may be the first American to quit his job in months. Ladies and gentlemen, the recession is over.

Hog tied

We’ve been warning you about animals for years now. They’re out to get us, and regardless of what you think of the cartoon version of “Charlotte’s Web,” pigs are probably the worst of the lot. But nooooooooooooooo, nobody listens to us. Not even you, Florida. Which is exactly why a 200-pound hog attacked a Florida woman in her backyard.

There’s a reason we make these bastards into bacon.

That’s some pig

China is against everything we stand for (except their food). Those commie pinkos are known for being uncooperative diplomatically, they have even been known to hold an alleged Olympiad before. But now they’ve gone to far: they have a favorite animal.

Yes, the thought of any country celebrating an animal so much is simply unheard of, but a single pig was voted by the Chinese as their favorite animal–because that’s about all they’re allowed to vote on.

Zhu Jianqiang, or “Strong Pig” is now famous for surviving the earthquake that hit China in May. The beast survived trapped for 36 days in the rubble. This is a miracle, because, you know, it’s hard to believe a pig rolling around in mud and its own crap for days.

Not surprisingly, the pig, once acting like the lowly farm animal it is, is now behaving like a rock star, getting ill-tempered, fat and lazy.

“It’s gotten fatter and lazier by the day,” [the report] quoted staff as saying. “We used to take it out for a walk every morning and afternoon, but it’s too lazy — and too fat — to do it.”

Hmmmm, ill-tempered? Fat? Lazy? We know just the cure.

Smells like … bacon

The animals are in a full blown crisis state and are lashing out in desperation. Bruce, an Australian pig, held his owner captive for 10 days inside her room while the pig went crazy with rampant demands to be fed. Look, there is a reason we make bacon, pork chops, pigs feet and scrapple out of these snot-nosed hooligans: to keep our cities safe. Sure, some companies and books may try and glamorize the pig, but make no mistake, they are dangerous and not to be taken lightly.

This little piggy got popped

While animal agents may have infiltrated the European legislative and judicial systems, here at home, we still know what side we are on in the War on Animals, and that goes double for the U.S. Army.

In a medical training exercise (also to send a message) to be held in Hawaii, the army is planning to shoot a bunch of pigs, despite protests from the al Qaeda-backed People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. That’s right, for the first time in far too long, the army is going to shoot animals with its M16 rifles and M4 carbines. SWEET.

And since it is being held in Hawaii, a huge pig roast will be held afterward.