Pig burns down cop’s home

The danger posed by animals is real, folks. It’s very, very real. We cannot caution you enough against trusting animals that you call pets, because no matter how much you love them, they want to destroy your life, including burning down your house.

In South Carolina, a sheriff’s deputy is now homeless because one of her animals torched her home when she was gone. The theory is that the deputy’s pig knocked over a heat lamp in an animal pen, setting a fire that spread to the house.

The pig survived the incident and has not been charged, but we believe it should go towards replenishing the nation’s pork belly supplies.

We present to you the most unkosher whiskey ever

Whiskey is delicious. Pork is delicious. And now, a group of geniuses have made the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup of food.

I mean, booze-food.

The people at Templeton Rye Distillery, located in Templeton, Iowa, are hard at work merging pigs with whiskey … while the pigs are still alive. They’ve taken just over two dozen piglets, born at the beginning of the year, and working to have the swine taste like their signature product. Somehow, this does not involve the pigs getting blitzed! Instead, they’re being fed a grain used in the whiskey-making process.

We expect the fools at PETA to protest, but those losers weren’t exactly known for their taste in alcohol as it is. TRD, you can put us down for some of the final product when it’s for sale.

Pigs have figured out how to make their manure explode

Another possible reason to stay out of the Midwest: pig farms are blowing up, and no one’s really sure why.

In recent years, hog farms have been exploding, and it’s related to foamy manure. Farmers started noticing that their hogs’ poop had a great deal of foam on it. Turns out, the foam contains methane and hydrogen sulfide, which are pretty flammable. This has left human scientists with two mysteries.

The first of which is why the pig manure is foaming in the first place, and why it’s only been happening in recent years. Some believe it’s caused by an enriched animal feed that has gained popularity, but tests aren’t conclusive.

The other, and more haunting question, is how do the sparks occur? If there’s no one around to set a fire, that must mean that, good god, the pigs have learned how to create fire.

Pigs run wild in Atlanta

Atlanta might be thought of as a nice place to live these days. Aside from the odd chance of bumping into a real housewife, it’s a generally fun city. But now it might get turned into a war zone. (Again.)

A suburb of Atlanta is being overrun with wild pigs, so much so that the children are afraid to play outside. The really sad thing here is that feral pigs are apparently a problem in the more rural parts of Georgia, so much so that there are no restrictions on pig hunting season.

It might be time to go huny some bacon — and save children, too.

Oink, dude

There’s grass-fed meat and then there’s grass-fed meat.

In Washington state, one rancher is experimenting with how to make pork taste even better by feeding pigs marijuana. It works exactly like you’d think. While pigs can’t really get high, they can get the munchies. Making the pigs even hungrier will make them eat even more, and butchers hope, give the meat a little more a little tastier. Who knows, maybe you will even get a contact high from your morning bacon.

Still, there’s no reason we should be using the legalization of marijuana to benefit our animal foes. It’s the gateway drug, and no one wants to eat heroin-addled pork.

War on Animals, eh?

The animals are focusing their attacks on our neighbors (or as they say in Canadian, “neighbours”) to the North. Last week, a pig wearing a scarf held up highway traffic in southern Ontario. Several callers told the police that they saw the beast walking along the road, but the commuter menace eluded authorities.

A day later, an apparently wild rooster has been terrorizing people in Saint John, New Brunswick. The rooster has been waking up residents early in the morning, and has apparently set up shop in one family’s back yard. The sleep-deprived citizens is becoming a problem for people with its loud crows and disparaging remarks about peoples’ mothers. Here’s a thought: someone leave their cat out one night.

Another case of government pork

Sometimes, the United Kingdom is one of our closest allies. In nearly every war we’ve fought since double ya double ya ah, we’ve been joined at the hip heading into battle (except for World War II, where we decided to sit the first couple years out).

But now, there’s a rift that could threaten to undo the great alliance between the limeys and the Greatest Nation on Earth. You may have heard about the whole dissolution of Parliament and Prime Minister Gordon Brown stepping down thing, but did you know that they hold elections there, too?

That’s a good thing, America likes democracy, but we don’t let our animals vote. England cannot say the same thing. An English woman said her pig, or as they call them over there, “pig,” received a voter registration letter for the upcoming general election. How can we possibly be allies with a country that let’s mankind’s greatest foe vote in its own elections?

I’m pretty sure that’s what the War of 1812 was about.

Tastes like chicken … and science

Since 2006, Dutch scientists have been growing pork from pig stem cells, and they are only now letting us in on this awesomeness. Apparently, you can make decent tasting food from stem cells, the only thing is that the texture is off. They say this could one day help win the war against hunger around the world.

But let’s take a step back for a moment. Science wants to use human stem cells under the guise of trying to cure diseases like Michael J. Fox Disease. But really, if pig stem cells can grow pork, who’s to say that human stem cells won’t be used to make human meat to feed the ever-growing masses?

It’s only a matter of time before the H1N1cat catches on

For months we have blamed Mexican farmers having intercourse with their pigs (or cerdos) as the cause of swine flu. But did you know that H1N1, or whatever it’s calling itself these days, is really a combination of swine flu and avian flu? What’s more, it originated right here in the U.S. of A.

But where did it come from? Obviously, it was a plot from the animals to kill us all, but how did they get it to us? We may have just found out it was a cleverer conspiracy than we ever imagined: house pets. No, your goldfish isn’t going to get you sick, but your cat might. In fact, one cat was recently diagnosed with H1N1.

Perhaps cats across the country ate birds with avian flu and stole pieces of raw bacon with swine flu, hoping to make the perfect mixture. If every cat in the country has H1N1, it would certainly explain why they barf so much.

(And yes, that is our Headline of the Day.)

Pigs: They don’t seem to like us

Swine flu is becoming a big deal, and not just to the news media. The illness is becoming a pandemic, and several people could die. But wait, it gets worse.

Pig farmers are worried that humans may give swine flu to their swines. Yeah, well, didn’t they give it to us in the first place? As it turns out, probably not. Sure they helped create the illness, but pigs don’t have the bug. This obviously means they made it to hurt us.

But now, we have the chance to take the fight back to them. We can try to infect them and watch as swine flu rips through their ranks. We can take this attack and turn it into something that can hurt our enemy instead. Folks, get coughing.