Science can make drinks out o’ thin air

Livin’ the dream.

Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day, ye swabs! By now ye should know about this high holiday, and if ye don’t, ye can figure out how to celebrate. Let us talk about a new way to make booze while cleanin’ up the air.

Scientists agree that climate change is real, and fer we pirates, that means fewer islands to pillage because of rising sea levels, and stronger hurricanes that could sink us. But now we might be able to take carbon emissions out o’ the air and put them to good use: getting us drunk. Ph.D student Ming Ma has devised a way to take carbon emissions captured from smokestacks and turn them into a variety of chemicals, especially ethanol. Ye may know ethanol as a fancy word fer grog.

We can make alcohol from the air. What a glorious time to be a pirate.

Pirates want cruise ships out of Venice

Venice is widely known as one of the most beautiful cities in Europe, perhaps even the world. Rather than have streets, its citizens get around by boat through a series of canals–at least that’s how it looks in the movies, we’ve never actually been. But now, the city is being overrun with pirates.

Venetians are reportedly upset that big cruise ships are allowed to make their way through one of the city’s largest canals. They say the parade of huge ships hurts the beauty of the city’s skyline, and the cruise ships may be hurting the fragile foundations of Venice. That’s why they are dressing up like pirates and shouting at every ship that comes along.

An estimated 1,000 citizens joined to yell anti-cruise ship slogans and play anti-cruise ship music at ships recently. The people on board probably thought it was just a warm welcome.

Never get yer sword bitten

Ahoy, me hearties! As ye know, today be Talk Like a Pirate Day, an’ the Guys are here to celebrate it. However, this post comes with a trigger warnin’: if ye are a man, ye may want to skip this one. Turn back now, here there be monsters.

We take ye to Austria, where a casual drive ended up with a landlubbber having surgery on his plank. Accordin’ to authorities, a man and a wench were out for a drive, and to use the medical terminology, the woman was performin’ a sword-swallowing trick fer the man, who was drivin’. A deer suddenly jumped out in front o’ the car, causing the man to slam on the brakes, and the woman accidentally bit down.

Luckily, surgeons say the wound to the man’s manhood was superficial, and he should be out o’ dry dock soon.

There must be a good reason why you keep a pirate hand in the attic

It’s a sad thing when a loved one passes away, and one of the saddest things to do when this happens is cleaning out the deceased’s things. Especially when you find a surprise.

In Florida, a woman was cleaning out her grandparents’ attic when she came across what could be the hand of a fabled pirate. She found a box containing a picture of her great grandparents, old coins, a map and what appears to be a human hand with a ring on one finger. The woman’s brother, Mike Lopez, believes it could be related to Jose Gaspar, a supposed Spanish pirate who raided west Florida towns in the late 1700s and early 1800s, according to legend.

Some say the contents of the box are too recent to be from Gaspar’s time, and the hand will be examined to confirm its authenticity, and maybe identify its owner.

Now the TSA is discriminating against pirates

Despite having an entire day dedicated to talking like them, pirates are still second-class citizens here in America. In recent weeks, we’ve seen pirates get beaten up and have security called on them just for how they dress. The hatred continues.

In Hawaii, a place that ought to have a lot of experience with pirates, one man was flying back from Maui to San Francisco, or at least he tried. TSA agents didn’t like that he had a cannon barrel in his checked luggage even though it wasn’t loaded. A pirate never travels without his guns. After some unwarranted harassment and trampling of his rights as a human, the pirate was allowed to board his flight, but his cannon barrel had to fly back separately.

Look past the eye patch, people!

Man dressed as a pirate held at gunpoint

You may have noticed that The Guys like pirates. Not the Captain Phillips kind, the swashbuckling kind. That’s why we’re shocked at the latest news from Florida.

According to police, a man in South Florida was walking down the street in a pirate costume (which we assume happens a lot down there), frightening two men in their 20s. They ran to tell a nearby security guard that there was (be) a pirate nearby, and ar(rr)med themselves. The drove around until they found the pirate again, jumped out of their vehicle and held a gun to his head.

Luckily, they didn’t shoot the guy in the scary pirate costume. Instead, they got arrested.

The pirate life be a turbulent one

Yar! It be hard out there for a pirate!

Joining former Grokster exec Wayne Rosso, Pirate Bay’s Peter Sunde is abandoning the BitTorrent site he co-founded.

In a blog post (truly a most demonic contraption attached to a witch’s teet), Sunde stated:

“I have decided to not be the spokes person for The Pirate Bay anymore. The reasons are many but most importantly it takes too much of my time. I want to build something new and I want to focus my energy in a different direction. I have projects waiting to be finished, a book is waiting to be finalized and many more books are waiting to be read.”

Oh sure, ye be ready to have plenty o’ fun, but when the sharks be a-comin’ for ya, you decide to turn tail and escape on the only deck-boat available? You not be a pirate, but a landlubber through and through! In fact, what you should do is take a lesson from Matthew Crippen.

Crippen, a student at California State University, be facing 10 years in prison for modding multiple consoles, not to hide treasure and booty, but to play modded games. At only 27 and a student, the 10 years in prison might be the social equivalent of the hangman’s noose for that lad. Yar! Perhaps he should’ve used a bit less book smarts and bit more sea smarts and modded himself a boat to sail away to Secret Pirate Island!

Sigh. Clearly, there be far too many constabularies after simple privateers such as us.

2 LEGIT 2 QUIT

Yar! It be quite a scurvy world out thar, and not everyone be able ta cut it out in the land of serious business, also be known as The Intarnetz.

The latest crew to become permanent landlubbers be The Pirate Bay, the Stockholm-based piracy site that formerly be a peer-to-peer server which made video games, movies and music available for “sharing” among users, but most recently, be raided by Swedish commodores and the ensuing trial against the BitTorrent site’s founder resulted in a guilty verdict. No more though! The Pirate Bay now be owned by Sweden’s Global Gaming Factory X AB for the quaint sum of 7.8 million dollars. That be a lot of wenches and grog!

In a quote from Hans Pandeya, CEO of the buyers:

“We would like to introduce models which entail that content providers and copyright owners get paid for content that is downloaded via the site.”

“In order to live on, The Pirate Bay requires a new business model, which satisfies the requirements and needs of all parties, content providers, broadband operators, end users, and the judiciary. Content creators and providers need to control their content and get paid for it.”

Seems that legal fees be a higher priority than privateering, eh bucko?