You Missed It: Cue card edition

6) How unfairly do you think the media treat me?

It seems like every time we start having a national conversation about something, there’s always one faction that wonders what the Founding Fathers would say about the issue. This has always struck me as crazy. You know how talking with your grandparents eventually leads to them saying something horribly outdated and makes you feel awkward? Multiply that by five times. That’s how backward those people would be in any conversation by today’s standards. If you were busy beating Canada to win a gold medal this week, odds are you missed it.

“It says here I shouldn’t call you losers”
During a meeting discussing last week’s mass shooting at a high school in Florida, President Donald Trump was caught holding a card with a few empathetic responses, including, “I hear you.” People criticized him for this, but I’m glad he had an empathy card with him. It’s a welcome change from what he normally reads from, Cards Against Humanity.

Second Lady Karen Pence this week at a conservative conference portrayed her husband as a regular guy, who enjoys kicking back on Friday nights with a pizza and some O’Doul’s non-alcoholic beer. You know, a regular guy who calls his wife “mother,” refuses to eat with women who aren’t his wife, and drinks fake beer on his cheat day.

Used to be the pizza guy arrived when the sex started
Speaking of pizza, an adult toy company has just released a smart vibrator that can be, and this is true, order you a pizza after you finish using it. Ladies, save yourselves some money. Get a boyfriend, he’ll gladly pay for pizza after you’re done.

Scalding pizza problem licked

If there’s one thing the Guys love, it’s freshly baked pizza. But, every rose has its thorn and every bagel bite has its scalding tomato sauce, just like how every cowboy sings sad, indecipherable song through stuffed crust and oral blisters.

Jason McConville knows our pain and will eradicate it with his knowledge as a professor of pharmaceutical sciences. He has  modified a breath strip to deliver benzocaine, a common local anesthetic, to the scorched area. He claims that it will help speed up healing, which is already pretty fast in the mouth, and that the strip will not impair your voice as it dissolves.

So, thanks, Dr. McConville, because when pizza’s on a bagel, now we can finally eat pizza any time. Even straight out of the oven.

Finally: a perk to insurance-covered birth control

If you’ve been on the fence about getting a vasectomy, would a free pizza help sway you?

Urology Associates of Cape Cod has a limited time offer for one free pizza if you get your vasectomy through them in March. The promotion is timed to coincide with the NCAA March Madness basketball tournament, a time which doctors from the Cleveland Clinic claim to see a 50 percent increase in vasectomies.

Other clinics across the nation are offering copies of Sports Illustrated, 3D glasses, T-shirts (“He got this vasectomy, and all I got was an empty pizza box”) and bags of frozen peas to the man who has it all disconnected from his balls.

They believe men intentionally choose March so they can get a few days off of work to watch the tournament, guilt-(and baby-)free.

The only drawback to this plan? You can only do it once.

Welcome to (a preview of) Herman Cain’s America

People of all stripes have been arguing that America’s in a bad place right now. Our deficit is soaring, our rich are hogging up all the yachts and our kids — man, they suck. They’re fat, their music is weird, they cut themselves and they still haven’t lifted the U.S. out of a recession by getting jobs and buying all the CDs and DVDs (that we still think are weird).

But, is it so bad that even Canada gets to rag on us? Apparently so.

Our Congress didn’t help, of course, when they determined that, for school lunches, the two tablespoons of tomato sauce per slice makes pizza a vegetable. (A tomato is a fruit, until you squeeze it and add salt. Then it’s a vegetable, and that is science.*) And, with the double-helping of vegetables that comes with adding french fries, it looks like it’ll be up to our children’s children to stand up to those wendi-jerkoffs on our northern border.

*Today’s science is brought to you by Dr. Papa John, Director of the Hand-Tossed Institute.

Now presiding, Judge Ninja Turtle

Creative sentencing may be all the rage among people in society, as who doesn’t enjoy the eye for an eye scenario, right? Okay, if you’re the victim of a financial swindling, you might prefer your money back instead having the guilty party have to play 5 straight shows of In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida using a kazoo, but what if you’re not a person? What if you’re a state or a government? It’s time to get crafty.

Joseph Jacobbi did not pay his taxes. BUT! Rather than send him to jail, State Supreme Court Justice Russell P. Buscaglia of Buffalo, New York, had him pay $25,000, which is just part of the money that he withheld from the state. Oh, and he then has to make and deliver 12 pizzas to a mission every Tuesday for the next 52 subsequent ones.

“I will leave the choice of toppings up to you,” he told the nonplussed restaurant owner.

The guys guess that the toppings probably won’t include green peppers. It’s just a guess.

Don’t they see what he’s doing?

Treymane Durham pled guilty to murder in exchange for a feast of KFC and Popeye’s, “calzones, lasagna, pizza and ice cream.” He received the first half on plea, the second half on sentencing.

Knowing he would receive a life sentence, he also got married in a hurry.

So to recap: he raised his cholesterol so he wouldn’t live as long and got married so he wouldn’t mind dying, both of which will shorten his life sentence the old fashioned way.

This is one smart inmate.