You Missed It: The wrestler edition

Tony Danza's career has been dead nearly has long as Andy Kaufman.
Tony Danza’s career has been dead nearly has long as Andy Kaufman.

Here’s a sign I’m no longer a kid: I’m not really that excited about the launch of the Playstation 4 and Xbox One. I really like my Xbox 360, and my Xbox before that. I got a lot of use out of them, though these days I seem to use my console more for Netflix than playing games. But I really don’t feel the need to rush out and get one of the new consoles. I will eventually upgrade, of course, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be fine for another year or so, when the prices drop a couple hundred dollars. What happened to me? I used to be cool. I used to save up my money so I could get a new system and play all the newest games. I used to be someone, now I just have bills. If you were busy trying to fix the Obamacare website this week, odds are you missed it.

The joke only he gets
This week, Michael Kaufman, brother of Andy, the famous and weird comedian, said that he believed his brother had faked his own death, and is somewhere alive today. He said he had a letter from Kaufman written years after his death, and a woman who claimed to be his daughter, born after he died. Days later, Michael said he no longer believed that his brother was alive, and that it was all a hoax. This could be the last time in history that a false rumor this big did not start on Twitter.

He’s a well-fed man
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford somehow managed to top his performance last week. He put down his crack pipe and admitted in various interviews and public statements that he purchased illegal drugs while in office, and denied that an “escort” he was seen with was anything other than a family friend. He even yelled sexual obscenities at to the media during a live press conference. Let’s just say he denied allegations that he was hungry. Does Ford have a new album dropping soon or something?

Speed reading
The next time you’re at a library, wear protection. Two Belgian professors decided to run toxicology tests on the 10 most popular books at their local library. They found that Fifty Shades of Grey had traces of the herpes virus on it, though not enough for someone to catch it. They also found that all 10 books tested positive for cocaine. In fact, there was so much cocaine that readers might be able to feel the effects through contact with the books. Rob Ford is an avid reader.

When a man has lost everything he has left …

Darren Suchon, a 42 year-old unemployed man from Lehigh Township, Pennsylvania, likes his video games. He likes them so much that when somebody tries to take them away, it results in a car chase, road rage and the cops. Yes, his anger triggers a video game level.

Suchon’s girlfriend, Colleen Frable, became so fed up with his lifestyle that she grabbed his Playstation, put it in the back of her car and took off. He didn’t just get mad. He got really mad, jumping in Frable’s other car (who here actually predicted that it was a Porsche?) and giving chase until he caught up, rear-ended her and ran her off the road. Which is true love.

His explanation to police, who arrived after Frable dialed 911? That she’d taken his PlayStation away once before, and “he didn’t want her to do it again.” Understandable, if he has a penchant for bandicoots.

Suchon now faces a long list of charges including “simple assault, reckless endangerment, harassment, disorderly conduct, reckless driving and driving with a suspended or revoked license.” Those might hinder him in fixing that whole unemployed bit.

Obama sends Americans into lions’ den

President Barack Obama is trying to push you out the door. Billed as the “America’s Great Outdoors” program, the initiative will “conserve cherished land and encourage Americans to enjoy the outdoors.”

Mr. President, with all due respect, but have you been outside? There’s mosquitoes out there. And bears. And no Playstation.

This all sounds like a ruse to get us outside while the President watches his stories instead of more Dora reruns.

Well, we hope we get kidnapped, just to teach you a lesson. Was your little Internet “me-time” worth it?

The pirate life be a turbulent one

Yar! It be hard out there for a pirate!

Joining former Grokster exec Wayne Rosso, Pirate Bay’s Peter Sunde is abandoning the BitTorrent site he co-founded.

In a blog post (truly a most demonic contraption attached to a witch’s teet), Sunde stated:

“I have decided to not be the spokes person for The Pirate Bay anymore. The reasons are many but most importantly it takes too much of my time. I want to build something new and I want to focus my energy in a different direction. I have projects waiting to be finished, a book is waiting to be finalized and many more books are waiting to be read.”

Oh sure, ye be ready to have plenty o’ fun, but when the sharks be a-comin’ for ya, you decide to turn tail and escape on the only deck-boat available? You not be a pirate, but a landlubber through and through! In fact, what you should do is take a lesson from Matthew Crippen.

Crippen, a student at California State University, be facing 10 years in prison for modding multiple consoles, not to hide treasure and booty, but to play modded games. At only 27 and a student, the 10 years in prison might be the social equivalent of the hangman’s noose for that lad. Yar! Perhaps he should’ve used a bit less book smarts and bit more sea smarts and modded himself a boat to sail away to Secret Pirate Island!

Sigh. Clearly, there be far too many constabularies after simple privateers such as us.

Free speech costs around 55 grand

A San Jose gamer banned for his behavior in playing Resistance wants $55,000 from Sony and a judge to tell their mods to stop banning people. Removing the ability for mods to go “STFU” is an interesting case of role reversal.

Erik Estavillo, in a complaint filed July 6, also alleges that Sony Computer Entertainment’s comprehensive ban of him from the PlayStation Network constitutes theft, in the form of deprived access to prepaid PSN currency. The pain and suffering bit comes from Estavillo’s agoraphobia, which is fear of crowds and/or open spaces-so this is, he says, his only safe way to interact with others. And, naturally, he’s kvetching about his First Amendment rights, too.

He wants $55,000 in punitive damages and an injunction against all further banning.

It seems Estavillo’s representing himself. Yeah, couldn’t have spotted that one coming, either.

In further news, SG would like to announce their new clairvoyance service. Our first prediction: not a legal win for Estavillo.

Guess who just inherited dishes duty?

Video games are evil. They’ll rot your brain and kill you. After playing, all you want to do is smoke pot, drink alcohol, commit multiple heinous felonies and become a malcontent for society. Nyeh.

These are all the sundry words spewed against gamers. It doesn’t matter if they’re totally untrue-they make great headlines. Of course, you know what makes a hilarious headline? When the victim is a gamer.

62-year-old Malcolm Palmer killed the mother of his three children after she became addicted to Grand Theft Auto. Carol Cannom, 46, apparently drove her partner mad by dragging a 37-inch plasma TV into the main bedroom and spending the entire night on her PS3. Malcolm was forced onto the sofa in order to get any sleep.

But wait, there’s more.

The PS3 was bought for their ten-year-old son, who would be allowed to play until midnight each night. Once he’d finished, the mother would take over until five or six in the morning. Malcolm also believed that Carol somehow had time for an affair, and turned violent when he was ordered out of the house, and told he’d never see his kids again.

He then inflicted 20 wounds with two knives, and the attack was overheard by their son, who dialed 999 (the equivalent to 911). Palmer grabbed the phone off the boy and said:

“I’m sorry. I think I killed her.”

Palmer’s defense lawyer is clinging to the gaming as a means of justifying his client’s attack, claiming that the

“Genesis of the tragedy bizarrely lies with the purchase of a PlayStation.”

Bizarre is right. Unfortunately, thanks to the ineptitude of the article, we’ll never figure out exactly which version of Grand Theft Auto it was. Sadly, the world may never know if the voice work of Ray Liotta, Young Maylay or Michael Hollick. And they call themselves professionals.

Not asking permission and getting sued: still in fashion

The UK’s Change4Life campaign — which links playing video games with obesity, diabetes, heart disease, and cancer — could draw fire from Sony for using a PlayStation-like controller in their print ad. Legal fire, that is, which — as we all know — is the third hottest fire that’s possible (behind orphanage arson fire and burning Benjamins in front of a hobo fire).

CHUNG-CHUNG.

The magazine ad in question features a young boy obviously not enjoying himself while holding a dual analog wireless controller, similar to that used with the PlayStation 3 and its predecessor. The print warns that even healthy-looking inactive children risk cancer, diabetes, and heart disease once they reach adulthood. Sony Computer Entertainment Europe is currently considering legal action against the ad creators.

CHUNG-CHUNG.

Now, having an active lifestyle? Top notch. Alluding that playing video games is a direct cause of not having an active lifestyle? Not as top notch. Using an ad that essentially equates their product with killing kids? Get ’em, Sony.

Sony has crazy mind powers in their gaming boxes

Life is sometimes funnier than you can ever believe.

An Italian boy was rushed to hospital after it was believed he’d been suffering from a “severe brain disorder.” Disoriented and unable to speak, it turns out that young Lorenzo Amato had not, in fact, gone mental or suffered a stroke, but was feeling the effects of “PlayStation addiction.”

Hospital doctors assessed that he was mute and seemingly unable to understand his surroundings due he’d just finished a “marathon PlayStation session” that had caused him to become detached from the real world.

Seriously. Amato has apparently made a complete recovery and has since demanded the console be thrown out, since the very thought of it makes him want to vomit. Which, y’know, is a totally reasonable and healthy response.

Schadenfreude: Sometimes it does taste like justice

Alright, it’s Friday. You think you don’t need a strong pick-me-up to start your favorite weekday. But is it 5 o’clock yet?

Yeah, didn’t think so. You still have to finish up the week’s drudgery while the kids off from school are already “warming up” the pool. (Don’t open your eyes underwater.) And you still need to fudge your time card before you sit in traffic with all of the other TGI-mother-Fers.

What you need is a steamy cup of all-natural Schadenfreude.

Jack Thompson, who you should be familiar with if you’ve ever read this blog or listened to a parent about video games, is in danger of being “found guilty on 27 of 31 counts of misconduct” by the Florida Supreme Court.

That’s right: Mr. Listen-to-me-because-I’m-a-lawyer may be demoted to crazy-angry-guy-on-talk-shows. He won’t be able to legally exploit the families of slain police officers because he can’t figure out the squares and circles on a Playstation controller.

Mm, Schadenfreude: make it every morning’s shameful joy.