Tag: PLoS ONE

Your eyes look kinda gay, baby

Gay people: for years, we’ve known they walk among us. But, until recently, there was absolutely no way to tell who does what with whom until they’re doing it and we’re forced to explain whatever that is to our children.

Fortunately, science is leading the way with new testing technology to identify even the most closeted of homosexuals. In the past, responses to erotic pictures and video were measured by rubber bands around the penis or cameras up the vagina. But now, we don’t need doctors to smut up their labs. They can now watch your pupils dilate … as you watch erotica.

Of course, this new Voight-Kompff sexual identity test will only work until LGBT laboratories develop more lifelike homosexuals.

Guns don’t just make your penis look larger

As we’ve already learned today, beer makes you smarter. But, you know what will make you look taller and more muscular, too? Holding a gun.

According to research from UCLA’s Center for Behavior, Evolution and Culture, people shown pictures of hands holding guns are more likely to overestimate the height and muscularity of the man holding it by an entire two inches. Meanwhile, hands holding caulk guns and power drills were seen as merely compensatory (hand tools being the Ferraris of the man accoutrement world)  and subtracted inches.

So, pull your piece in public. And, thanks to more states allowing guns in bars, you can show off your juggling skills with your gun, beer and trivia buzzer. (They laughed at you for going to Clown College, but who’s laughing now? Nobody, you big man, you.)