You Missed It: End of 2016 edition

My drink order has arrived just in time. Get your own.

Well look who finally got on the “this year sucked” train. I’ve been doing this for years, everyone just finally caught up. I have a theory that 2016 was the Rapture. Everyone you love who was good is gone. Now we’re just in a hollow wasteland, and there’s the devil about. Either that, or we’re old enough that famous people we’ve heard of are starting to die off. This year was a lot like 1941 — we all knew there was conflict, and the headlines were really interesting, then an awful day toward the end of year made nothing feel the same again. This was indeed the worst year yet. Kim Kardashian had something bad happen to her for once. We cheered for sad sack teams. The Supreme Court became an octet. We held a months-long funeral for a gorilla we’d never heard of. We bought some Cuban cigars. We stood really still in videos. Let’s do to 2016 what it did to a lot of famous people, shall we?

January

Let freedom wear a c@#k ring
The armed hicks occupying a tiny federal office building at a remote Oregon wildlife sanctuary complained in a video that people keep sending them sex toys, including a whole bunch of dildos. The group made an appeal to “real patriots” to send them supplies, as they were so busy packing their guns they forgot to bring food and water for their camping trip. America responded by sending them plastic penises, which is a phrase I’ve waited to write my whole life. Upon hearing the news, Cards Against Humanity co-founder Max Temkin, really, sent the occupiers a 55-gallon barrel of lube.

Blowing up the airwaves
North Korea said it successfully tested a hydrogen bomb, but experts weren’t so sure it worked. In any case, the test marked another act of defiance of international sanctions. In response, South Korea set up loudspeakers along the border and began blasting K-pop. These two countries are like feuding neighbors in an apartment building. One keeps making the floor shake with loud thumps, so the other cranks their music, in this case, Psy.

From Mexico with love
After capturing escaped drug lord El Chapo, Mexican authorities published his text messages on his phone. Many were shocked not only to see that he was in contact with Mexican actress Kate del Castillo, but that his texts were quite romantic. He told her, “I’ll care for you more than my own eyes,” and even suggested having her meet his mother. Maybe we’ve got these guys all wrong. We just need to help these drug cartels find love and they’ll stop massacring entire towns. Continue reading You Missed It: End of 2016 edition

Norway, once home to Vikings, has PM that plays Pokemon Go

The scourge known as Pokemon Go has largely left the U.S. But other countries aren’t as fortunate.

Norwegian Prime Minister Erna Solberg took advantage of a state trip to Slovakia to hunt for Slovakian Pokemon. She took some time in between meetings to walk around with her head buried in her phone looking for fake creatures in a game on her smartphone.

Want to know why America is the best country in the world? We give our president a Blackberry so this embarrassing crap doesn’t happen to us.

Citizens call cops, throw water balloons at Pokemon hordes

A sleepy town in Australia has found itself under siege over the past week. Without their consent, their neighborhood has been made into a stop for people playing Pokemon Go.

A park in the town of Rhodes has been swarmed with people playing a game where you look at your phone and walk places. Police had to be called in to evict and arrest people playing the game after residents complained of crowds of people making a ruckus all through the night. Residents even through water balloons at the swarm to ward them off.

The attack is said to have decimated the charizard population.

Pokemon Go to hell

There’s a major problem in society today. Normally, The Guys try to stay away from politics, because unlike other blogs, we know we’re just making stuff up. But this problem is so big, and such a threat to the future of the U.S., we need to make a stand. The problem of course is Pokemon Go.

Last week, the augmented reality smartphone game by Nintendo was released, and people who alternate between trying to relive their childhoods and complaining about the ruining of their childhoods could not have been happier. Across the US, people discovered what their legs are for, and it predictably went horribly wrong. Many Pokemon Go players are reporting injuries from walking around in the real world and not watching where they are going. Some reports say the game was used to rob people. Also, the game has turned the National Sept. 11 Memorial in New York into a hot spot for the game.

This game is stupid, hurtful and dangerous. Undoubtedly, it will enjoy great success in America.