Computer wins the Tapout off pro poker players’ backs

The human players lost $1.7 million dollars in chips to the computer. But we don’t know if they kept their $200 hoodies, sunglasses with holographic snake-eye lenses or dignity.

Humanity was counting on two factors to help us win the War on Robots — 1) psychic computer-programming powers and 2) the ability to lie about the giant electromagnet behind our back. And, thanks to artificial intelligence programmers who really wanted to a machine to win at poker, we just lost the edge on number two.

Libratus, an AI built by Carnegie Mellon University, just beat four of our species’ greatest poker players by finally perfecting the ability to out-bluff human opponents. Computers can now strategically lie about the cards they’re virtually holding with just enough truth to raise uncertainty.

But …! We still have one more advantage over Libratus and its heirs: its new poker skillset is essentially meaningless in the modern world. C’mon, Libratus — Hold’em? What is this, 2006? In technology years, that’s like the Hamster Dance winning the 2008 election.

Jose Canseco keeps losing his finger

Not that he used his glove hand anyway.
Not that he used his glove hand anyway.

Folks, you may have heard a couple weeks ago about how former MLB juicer Jose Canseco accidentally shot his left middle finger while cleaning his gun. (Which is why you should never, ever, keep Jose Canseco in your home.) It was hanging on by a thread, and surgeons reattached it, but things didn’t go so well.

Canseco said that the finger kind of smelled bad, but he ignored it — until it fell off during a poker tournament. That means that people voluntarily sat at a table with Canseco and his rotting finger, and there’s no way anyone could raise him when he threw it into the pot.

Apparently, doctors have reattached it again, so this is going to work out well.