Poland invents a box to keep your boners in

As we wait with baited breath to find out who will bring about the American apocalypse over the next four years, let’s distract ourselves with news from Poland.

Lindner, a Polish coffin company, has ruffled some Catholic feathers with their latest ad campaign, a calendar featuring topless models posing with their product line. The Church has condemned the calendar, saying that, “Human death should be treated with solemnity and not mixed up with sex.” This is a departure from Catholicism’s usual position that there is nothing they can’t associate with sex, like employment, medicine and child care.

Zbigniew Lindner, the firm’s owner, has his own idea: “We wanted to show that a coffin isn’t a religious symbol. Its a product. Why are people afraid of coffins and not of business suits, cosmetics or jewelry?”

Amen, Mr. Lindner. Because nothing gets a younger woman hotter than primo taste in coffins. You know, if you’re a rich, 90-year-old oil baron.

In Czech Republic, booze drinks you dead

Booze is a delightful invention that we at SG will always lust for. But it’s not all fun and games with booze.

Sometimes booze injures people. Sometimes booze excites people in the wrong way. Sometimes booze blinds people more than booze goggles can do. Sometimes booze kills people.

But usually, booze kills people when its origin is uncertain. WHICH IS INSANE THAT SOMEONE WOULD NOT KNOW WHERE THEIR BOOZE COMES FROM. People, do your research. Know where your booze comes. Know what it consists of. The difference could be a matter between vodka and anti-freeze.

That’s gotta hurt (their national pride)!

So, did you hear the one about the Polish Colonel who shot himself in the head? He missed.

If you don’t like Polish jokes, did we also mention he’s a lawyer? ‘Cause he is.

Thank god it wasn’t a sex scandal

The Guys prepared for the worst when we heard the longtime White House correspondent Helen Thomas retired in an uproar. Fortunately, there is no sex tape, just some anti-Semitism.

In a Youtube video last week, Thomas suggested that Israelis should “get the hell out of Palestine,” and “go home” to “Poland, Germany … and America and everywhere else.”

Of course, the big issue for the other correspondents is her prime front row seat in the White House press room. Sides are already being staked out as the news reporters are suggesting that the seat isn’t appropriate for opinion writers.

See? It’s just like if you were forced to resign from your job for taking an nonobjective side in the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

That is one rich appetite

We’ve given you many stories in the past of food that’s so expensive, you’d have to take out a second mortgage just to have the chance to dine on it. But some people are just so money hungry that they’re … well … hungry for money.

A man flying in Europe won 10,000 euros on the flight via a scratch card. That’s pretty frickin’ amazing. Per the company’s rules, all he had to do was collect the money from the company running the competition once the plane had landed and was on the ground. That’s pretty easy to do, right?

Wrong. And how dare you for thinking otherwise.

The man reportedly became frustrated with this simple set of rules and then began eating his ticket. This, in turn, caused the ticket (and the subsequent large sum of money) to become null and void. The money is now going to a charity. The man only wanted the money to be with him at that very moment. How hard is that to understand?

While it’s good that the money will be going to a good cause, still-what a moron.

Let’s talk about the undead and the bees

It really doesn’t get much worse than this: a 76-year old Polish man fell unconscious after being stung by a bee, he then woke up in a coffin after he was pronounced dead.

Obviously, this is everyone’s worst nightmare, because no one likes bees, and we all pretty much hate being stung. But just imagine that a single bee sting can kill you. Not only that, but the bees have figured out how to turn you into a zombie after you die from their sting.

Everyone thinks that the zombie plague will come through a virus, or through bites. They are wrong. The dead will rise not because there is no more room in Hell, but because our animal foes have commanded them to.

We love you too, Germans

OK, we admit it. We make a few Nazi jokes now and then, or even some cracks about invading Poland/ annexing the sudetenland, but we just can’t get enough of you crazy krauts.

Gerry, we know you love us despite all that, and we just want to tell you, right back at you.

Recently, Germans aged 19 to 29 took off their gimp masks to tell the world how they really feel. A survey shows that most of them would gladly leave their sexual partner and their car (which also might be their sexual partner) for Internet access. This comes as a total shock, because the Germans are famous around the world for their outright compassion for their fellow man.

We here at ernst Jungs would just like to say thanks for reading.

So, a Polish man drives a bus into a lake …

No, that’s not the beginning of a joke, nor even the punchline of one. Sadly, that’s actually the headline of a story–though, you might be able to say that the jokes, sometimes, write themselves.

We live in a day and age where GPS and SAT/NAV units are getting to be nearly as commonplace as a cell phone or an iPod … all over the world. Why, if commercials trying to connect Americans with Napoleon using one don’t advise you of this fact, then I don’t know what will. Unfortunately, we, as a people and a civilization, are starting to become too attached to them. Take for example, a gentleman from Poland.

While driving around the area of Glubczyce (in the south west part of Poland), a man looked down to his GPS unit. Not uncommon for many people, especially like him, that are so used to roads that rarely ever change. He should’ve looked up. Since changes had been made to build a new reservoir lake, what was once a road was no longer.

And what was once a dry vehicle was no longer. The GPS hadn’t been updated in time. A man and his passengers were now all wet, thanks to his undying faith in the GPS (Following the warning signs? Balderdash!).

Where is the man now? Living in a man, down IN the river.

Catholic guy goes jogging, runs in traffic

In the rock-paper-scissors world of jogging, biking and hiking, cars are the dynamite.Most people out there don’t mind jogging. After all, it’s lightweight enough on the body and you have at least a 50 percent less chance of not being beaned in the head by a weight bar. But hey, if you’re into increasing the challenge, then by all means, go for it! Carry that weight bar while you’re running! Eat those fu-gu (blowfish) organs while jogging! By gum, this is America, and you’re proud!

Just keep in mind that the religious pilgrims of Poland have got you beat. How so, you may ask? They do their running in traffic, and while toting a trailer, no less! Carrying a converted luggage roof box, a jogger went out onto a major German highway. Some may think that this was a bit extreme, but hey, he was just using it to make his way back from a trip that he taken as far as Portugal. No harm, no foul, right?

OK, maybe there’s a lot of harm, and plenty of foul.

Remember people, running in traffic is not the proper way to get in shape. If, however, you’d be interested in finding out exactly how to get in shape, well, look no further than this very website.