Ice measurements? Science? Math? Puh-lease

Cool people don't understand wind chill. GET IT?!So, apparently, a group of bleeding heart liberal pussies took a day hike up to the Arctic Circle to prove their religious beliefs about global warming.

They made a bunch of measurements and found that the majority of the ice is first year ice and, on average, only 1.8 meters thick. Well, now they’re having a hissy because, according to their “water knowledge,” most of that ice won’t survive the next several summers and the caps will be virtually ice-free within the next 20 years.

Pfft. Puh-lease. Other things an ’80s Valley Girl would say.

Look, this in no way proves that global warming is real. It just means that God forgot to refill the world’s ice trays. Just have the Pope leave a stern, but polite note on the barber pole next to Santa’s Village and let’s get back to pantsing Europeans.

This Week’s Poll
Polar bears are invading North American territory for unexplained reasons. Should we:

a) Send them back to their steamy Arctic bath? (You’re welcome, ingrates.)

b) Arrest them for suspected ties to Vladimir Putin?

c) Draft them and send them to Afghanistan?

More polar bears agree: polar bears taste good

Though they may have tried to invade our nation’s capital, our enemy the polar bear is getting very desperate. They are so desperate that they are turning to cannibalism in order to stay alive.  This is good news for us, because it means our foes are smiting each other for us, which saves us a lot of valuable resources.

Why are the polar bears eating each other? Hippie scientists say it is being caused by the lack of ice in the Arctic. Apparently these bears are too ignorant to understand that there is nothing to eat in an area covered by snow and surrounded by water. Stubbornly, they refuse to move south, but that just means we have less to deal with.

A side note should go out to a man in California, who took the battle to the enemy this week when he put dead cats and dogs in the lockers of animal sympathizers at a local high school. That oughta shut ’em up!

War Journal: Washington

If there are two things that piss this blog off, it’s animals and homeless people. Just this week, our nation’s capital was under siege. Yours truly happens to live in the DC area, I supply for you now a war journal about one of the most frightening days this city has seen in seven years.

Arlington, Virginia
8:47 a.m.

We thought this was over. We thought we were safe from threats like this once and for all. We were wrong. I got into work this morning to hear the news that a creature of some sort was spotted putting something in a trash can in downtown D.C.

The bomb squad has been called in and a nearby Metro [subway] station has been closed down right at one of the busiest times. Let’s hope nothing happens to our boys in blue. Continue reading War Journal: Washington

WoA: Power struggle

It has been said that whomever controls the skies controls the war. In the War on Animals, that would certainly be true, because our highly advanced passenger planes, cars and flyswatters can kill anything from birds to insects without remorse. That adage, however, does not apply to guerrilla (or gorilla) warfare.

First off: some good news and some bad news. The polar bear has just been added to the U.S. endangered species list. This is good because it means we are winning the fight but it also means it has just become a whole lot harder to kill these white devils. Coca-Cola could not be reached for comment.

And finally, The Guys don’t often make endorsements, especially of foreign powers, but we are here to say we support the King of Nepal. King Gyanendra (I, we assume) is almost out of options for keeping the throne. So what does he do? He turns to the Hindu goddess Kali (you remember her from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom) and sacrifices animals to gain her favor. A buffalo, a goat, a lamb, a duck and a rooster were sacrificed in what should be an example for every world leader.