There may actually not be a Christmas this year. Santa Claus may be injured or dead.
In Michigan, a man was found wandering around outside a gas station covered in blood and holding a piece of meat. (No, that’s not the punchline, we’re not that dark.) Authorities say that before they arrived on the scene, the man ran off to his mobile home nearby. They found him because there was a trail of blood leading right to his door. There was even blood on the door itself. Police say Roy Purple, 62, was visibly drunk, and said that the blood on the door was from Santa Claus.
This alarming response was brushed off by police, who arrested Purple on resisting an officer after he lunged at a cop. All too eager to explain a possible murder of Chris Kringle away, authorities say they believe the blood was from a deer hit by a car nearby. The head was cut off and found near Purple’s home.
Yacht owners in London probably live a very posh life. Owning an expensive boat in one of the most expensive cities in the world is certainly a status symbol. And then one day you see a crocodile swimming towards you.
A boater in London’s Chelsea Harbor tweeted a video of what appeared to be a crocodile–or alligator, we forget the difference–poking its head out of the water and looking around. The man said that the bobbies had been called. After all the panic, it turned out to just be a pretty lifelike pond ornament floating around.
It seems obvious that this was the animals testing the London police response to such an incident. They will learn from it, and strike again.
This column was originally published on Sept. 26, 2016, and because of the comments of the president, it’s very relevant almost a year to the day. I am heartened to see the protests against police brutality on minorities rising to such a prominent level in the American debate. Now let’s remember how silly it is that people get upset when people take a knee to a song about a fort being bombarded.
Another week of the NFL is coming to a close, which means we have another round of reports and hot takes on the National Anthem, and who did and didn’t kneel in protest. On one side are supporters, who argue that 49ers backup quarterback Colin Kaepernick is right to use his stage to speak out against the injustice of police officers shooting unarmed black people, on the other are the people who say to not stand for the National Anthem is an insult against the troops/all cops everywhere/America/insert broad apolitical group used for political gain here.
Kaepernick’s protests have inspired others to join him, even in other sports. They have also brought down a lot of heat from talking heads on TV and police unions alike. Which lead to the Seattle Seahawks doing a “protest” so careful not to offend either side it had no purpose. The issue is far from resolved, and it seems like every week another controversial shooting makes headlines.
There was a total solar eclipse that streaked across the U.S. yesterday. Perhaps you heard about it. Some called it breathtaking, others called it predictable. It helped stop at least one crime that we know of.
In Florida, of all places, police say they were following a 22-year-old man in a stolen car, when he stopped at a store. The suspect came back out with a welding mask so that he could watch the eclipse. It was then that he was arrested and charged.
Apparently welding masks aren’t safe for eclipse watching, but the guy should get leniency just for his outside-the-box thinking.
Every summer is the Summer of Something. 1998 was the Summer of Asteroid Movies. The year before that was the Summer of George. Last summer was the Summer of Thinking 2016 is as Bad as It Will Ever Get … which means we had to find a new theme for this year instead of reheating last summer’s leftovers. So, we’re now at least waist-deep into the Summer of Mystery Amputations.
Like a board game, our society has rules. We call them laws. And law enforcement officers are charged with making sure everyone follows the rules. But what if the rules are being thrown out?
In Minnesota, a man was arrested on a felony warrant over the weekend. The man produced a “get out of jail free” card from the Monopoly board game, and in a flagrant violation of the rules, the police ignored it. They claimed that the card has no legal standing. Oh yeah? Then why do you get out of jail when you play it in a civilized setting? Folks, we are a nation of rules, and if those we assign the task of enforcing those rules fail us, we must take the rules into our own hands.
When a police officer pulls someone over, there’s no telling what is going to happen next. The more experienced officers out there will tell you they have seen everything. One officer was proven wrong.
In Georgia, a man was pulled over for speeding, and when he approached the car, he could tell something was very wrong. Riding shotgun was a strange being with a large head, pale skin, huge black eyes and long skinny limbs — an extraterrestrial. The alien, which media accounts claim was a mannequin, sat still, staring straight ahead, and did not answer any questions. Authorities have refused to release any information about where the alien was being taken and why the driver was in such a hurry.
Of course, the driver and the alien were let go because they were both white.
There are things about our society I will never understand, such as mustaches, lattes and Civil War reenactors. But above all else, I do not understand the annual appeal of the Scripps National Spelling Bee. It’s great that it’s the one time America cares about the education of its youth, but why does anyone watch it? It’s like sitting through a school band concert and you don’t even have a kid at that school. If you lost your job because of thin-skinned bullies this week, odds are you missed it.
Paris je déteste
This week, President Donald Trump announced that he will begin the process of pulling the U.S. out of the landmark Paris climate agreement. For some reason, people were surprised by this. Folks, this is the guy who argued that it wasn’t raining during his inauguration, when you could clearly see rain drops, umbrellas, and George W. Bush getting confused by a poncho. Of course he’s going to deny climate change. Pretty soon he’ll be arguing that the sky’s not grey.
Police in Florida arrested Tiger Woods earlier this week after he was found sleeping at the wheel of his car which was pulled over on the side of the road. Reports indicate that alcohol was not involved, but rather his incoherent state was the result of a reaction to his prescription medication. Floridians were outraged that Woods was arrested, arguing that every driver in Florida is messed up on drugs.
Mr. Met thrown out
The New York Mets fired the actor playing Mr. Met, after video surfaced of the large baseball-headed anthropomorphic figure was seen flipping the bird at hecklers. So that ought to get that ball club back on track.
It’s something we all learn in driver’s ed: when you get in your car, check your mirrors to make sure there’s no drunk person passed out on your trunk.
In Memphis, a couple had a sinking feeling when they got pulled over on the interstate, but it turned out not to be for a driving infraction. The police officer who pulled them over asked them if they knew that there was a body on top of their trunk. They did not.
They soon discovered that a drunk guy had passed out on their car in a downtown parking lot, and because the couple didn’t notice him there, he laid there, curled up and unconscious, for 14 miles on the interstate.
Police haven’t charged the drunk man, which is good, because there is no way they have a law on the books against having someone else drive you home when you’re drunk.
It’s still the off-season for Santa Claus, and even though he’s on vacation, he’s been busy with his side gig: selling drugs.
Back around Christmas, we told you that Santa Claus got arrested in Jacksonville, Florida, for selling drugs. It seems that the jolly old elf didn’t learn his lesson, because police picked him up in the Florida Keys selling again. According to authorities, Fidel Gutierrez, which is apparently the name Claus is going by right now, sold cocaine to undercover police officers six times in February and March. In his defense, those officers had wished for coke.
Should we really be shocked that a guy with white hair and a white beard selling snow?