A Boy Scout leader and a Catholic priest walk into a bar …

The Boy Scouts of America have decided to try something new and start reporting their sex offenders to the police. Their previous method mirrored the Catholic Church, which was to

1. Maintain their own private records of sex abuse incidents.

2. Ignore that list and kick out all the gays.

BSA reports that, by turning over criminal justice to the professionals, they’ll be able to concentrate more on identifying atheists by a list of inaccurate stereotypes and purging them from the ranks.

“Figuring out which boys are atheists will be tough, you know, because the uniform coves up their Flying Spaghetti Monster t-shirts and Darwin fish undershorts,” said Chief Scout Executive, Wayne Brock. “Say what you will about the seriousness of child abuse, but at least the pedos got these shy, godless boys to peel off a few layers.”

Gays and lesbians will still not be allowed to join, of course, because Jason Voorhees.

Take it from Snee: Spray it, don’t say it

Manners are an ever-evolving contract that society signed to avoid embarrassing and thoughtless behavior, or what the French termed “faux pas” in between giving English-speakers the wrong directions to the Louvre.

Our earliest etiquette rule comes from, ironically enough, our earliest ancestors, who decided it would be more polite to fathers if the groom clubbed their daughters prior to dragging them off, which is much quieter than all that previous kicking and screaming. From there, we invented “please,” “thank you” and “I’m sorry” to express polite requests, gratitude and, “Would you just shut up about your car already?”

Even today, we are making greater strides towards a more polite world, even when we can’t see it right away. For instance, when police officers began spraying people sitting outside in New York City and the University of California, Davis without repercussion, who knew that ordinary people would start doing the same to humbly ask for the last Xbox? It is clear that the moratorium we once held on not spraying s#@t in other people’s eyes has been lifted, and I for one am glad to see this day. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Spray it, don’t say it

Bad dog! Bad anti-authoritarian dog!

You’re probably already aware that Greece is poised to economically ruin Europe, but what you may not realize is that their animals are involved.

Riots have broken out in Athens over an austerity bill that reins in public spending while raising taxes, perceived to target the poor and middle class almost exclusively. These riots have lead to clashes between armored police officers and young people with one very bad dog.

Sausage — or as he’s listed in The Illiad, Loukanikos — has tripped police officers down stairs and currently has charges pending for biting at least one person. And the worst part? He’s homeless, meaning he’s definitely engaged in class warfare.

Sausage is emblematic of the Greek problem: instead of euthanizing stray dogs, the Athens municipality neuters them and puts them on the Kibble dole. They even get free healthcare.

So, congratulations, Greece. You could have added Sausage to your gyros, but now you have to fight him in the streets, and the rest of the world will have to pay for it.

Does this dead guy know how to party or what?!

Of all the things you can do with a corpse, the “Weekend at Bernie’s” runs a close second to … well, ask your parents. And when Robert Young and Mark Rubinson found their buddy Jeffery Jarrett dead in his home, they (allegedly) knew that Jeff had just delivered them a godsend.

According to police, the two picked Jarrett up off of whatever he died on (please say it was the toilet, please please please) and loaded him into an SUV. They then used Jarrett’s money to pay for drinks and food at two locations, dropped him back off at home — because he’d obviously had enough — and then went back out to a strip club.

At this point, once they had ditched the body, you could argue that they were just taking advantage of their friend’s death to profit. But, explain this: when they got to the strip club, they withdrew $400 from the ATM with his debit card.

You may think you’re tight with your friends, but are you close enough to create a death pact with them, including the PIN to your bank account?

Crows, and lots of them

The police may not have many friends in certain circles, but in Everett, Washington, it’s even worse.

There, the local cops have to deal with all the troubles that are sure to arise in a quiet Pacific Northwestern town, like cats in trees, coffee burns and directing traffic when it gets foggy, but on top of that, they have the animals to deal with. A group of crows is continually attacking police officers as they walk from their cruisers to the officers, swooping down on them, with no respect for the badge.

One officer tried to scare off the birds with his siren, only to have the crows crap all over his cruiser. Hey guys, you do have your service pistols on you, right?

Hey! That baby’s recyclable!

Dawa Lama of Queens, N.Y., was arrested for allegedly dumping her baby in a trash can in the hospital bathroom where she gave birth to it.

The baby was found by the next person to use the bathroom, who still maintains that–although disturbing–the baby, amniotic fluid and uterus parts still beat what’s normally left on and around the seat.

According to police, Lama has been charged with assault, reckless endangerment and violating Elmhurst Hospital’s return policy on newborns.

A standoff that began with a run for the border

According to a survey published in the BMC Psychiatry journal, mentally ill patients are more likely to be obese or overweight than patients with physiological disorders.

This may help explain why a San Antonio, Tex., man attacked a Taco Bell with an air gun and a semiautomatic assault rifle and pistol over the price increase on Beefy Crunch Burritos. He discovered the beefy crunchy hike from 99 cents to $1.49 after ordering seven of them.

The good news is that, after a three-hour standoff with the SWAT team, we can all have a hearty laugh about this. Unless of course, you, dear reader, planned to buy 30 burritos for $30 at lunch today.

French fries are also just like the internet

In more police related news …

People like food. In fact, they like their fast food fresh. Not fresh food fast, but fast food fresh. However, nobody likes their fast food fresh like Robert Quillen does, or potentially his wife. Quillen walked into a Sandusky, Ohio, McDonald’s to get fries for his wife. An argument between Quillen and the manager then arose over the freshness of said french fries.

In a move that completely justifies the use of tax-payers’ money, the police were then called onto the scene. No charges came about due to conflicting stories, but Quillen went home with his money but no fries.

The fries? The fries went home to nobody. They then sobbed themselves to sleep, feeling that nobody wanted them.

Keep your scotch neat, nose clean

Greetings, young readers! Do you like to stay up all night? And do you like to drink? Chances are pretty good that if you’ve ever attempted both, you couldn’t make it past Waffle House.

You might be tempted to try a caffeinated alcoholic beverage. Here’s three things we learned about that today:

  1. Caffeine should never contain more booze than a shot.
  2. Booze should never contain more caffeine than middle manager.
  3. You should never contain anything named after a 4-piece Swedish mariachi punk band.

Stick to the basics and you’ll never be embarrassed by neon sugary puke.