Tag: police

Criminal Mastermind of the Week

A Michigan teen either has brass ones, or is incredibly stupid. Given this blog’s history of coverage of the human race, we’re going to say it’s the latter.

The spike in gas prices is hitting everyone hard. It hits some people so hard that they must resort to stealing gas from other cars. After two arson complaints in a week of houses just being built, detectives were on a stakeout in the neighborhood to catch the arsonist.

Then a allegedly kid walked up to the cruiser, unscrewed the gas cap and began siphoning gas out of the car. Obviously, the cop got out and chased after the kid. He was eventually caught and police said he admitted to the arsons.

Insert ‘bee’ pun here

Aside from whales, bees seem to be the most common animal at seems to keep posing threats to the American way. Not only are these buggers capable of harming humans regardless or age, race or creed (you have probably fallen victim to an attack at least once in your life), but they are kidnapping our celebrities.

However, they are now proving to be quite resourceful–nay, industrious–even when in captivity. A truck carrying untold numbers of bee prisoners of war in Sacramento, California flipped over, most likely due to a bee attack. The bees escaped and promptly began stinging everything in sight.

“The bees stung cops and firefighters who tried to corral them. They buzzed toward nearby businesses and forced them to shut their doors.”

See? They are attacking our bravest and finest, as well as trying to take down the economy (like that needs help). It’s the very definition of total war. It’s time we take the fight to them. Grab a can of Raid and let’s march!

Staying active in the twilight years

Getting in a car accident can be a bummer (just ask my roommate). Getting into a car accident on your 72nd birthday can be even worse. That’s what happened to Rodell Alton Cole of Maryland recently, but that wasn’t the worst of his day.

Cole got into a minor fender bender with another motorist, so the police had to get involved. They found the senior citizen was driving on a suspended license and asked him to empty out his car. During this process, Cole removed a rather heavy bag police found to allegedly contain 156.2 pounds of marijuana, a street value of $1.4 million.

Police said they think Cole was on a drug run from New York City, but failed to comment on whether or not he had driven the whole way down going 45 mph on the highway with his blinker on.

Does this luxury automobile smell funny to you?

A young Taiwanese man was arrested for stealing the heat sensor from a urinal. He planned to use the sensor to modify existing sensors in his Mercedes-Benz.

When he explained his plan to the arresting officers, they laughingly replied, “The probability of successfully using a sensor from a public urinal to replace special factory-made sensors was and remains zero.”

This story raises two concerns:

1) The Taiwanese apparently drive Mercedeses? Mercedi? nicer cars than The Guys could ever hope to own.

2) The Taiwanese police are scary smart–like, 80s crimefighing sitcom smart.

The moose is loose

In Alaska, wildlife is everywhere and the terrain is more untamed than tamed, so Alaska State Troopers are used to dealing with just about anything. However, let us not forget that animals are crafty, crafty creatures hellbent on destroying mankind.

One state trooper was driving along the road one night when something, later found to be a moose, fell from the sky. The moose narrowly missed the cop’s car, dying on impact with the ground. According to officials, the moose had fallen off a cliff above the road by accident.

This blog continues to be perplexed at Alaska’s cover-up attempt in what is clearly a kamikaze attack on the state’s finest. We all know the real story. As we learned earlier, stay away from moose at all costs.

(Suggested by many)