It’s no secret that Florida is utter chaos. Any time some weird arrest happens, be it Tiger Woods or some dude riding a motorcycle with his infant, it’s happening in America’s Australia. But now a mater of the universe wants to straighten things out. He-Man is running for a seat in the Florida Senate.
Miami voters will have a chance this September to vote for Christian “He-Man” Schlaerth. The candidate filed a sworn affidavit this week stating that he has gone by the nickname He-Man since well before running for office. That means his moniker will be on the ballot. Schlaerth says he acquired the nickname from his rugby playing days, and his campaign manager didn’t know his first name for weeks.
A campaign manager signed on for a candidate he only knew as “He-Man?” This is going to be a fun race to watch.
Russia may be trying to slowly take over Ukraine, but the former Soviet satellite has bigger problems on its hands–like a blog taking over seats in the Ukrainian parliament.
Claiming that his fellow members of parliament don’t show up for their jobs as often as they should, Borislav Bereza has brought a grey blob to sit in one of the empty seats next to him. The plush blob has been a popular meme in Russia and Ukraine in recent years, and that has seemingly translated into a seat in government. As absurd as an internet meme in a leadership role might seem to Americans, apparently it’s possible there. Bereza even sat the blob behind the podium.
What does it want? What if it multiplies? What if Ukraine falls under blob rule?
After what seems like a decade, it’s finally here. Americans get to vote tomorrow, and say goodbye to those endless attack ads on TV and those political images with words on them that are always false, but that one friend always shares on Facebook. We made it, everyone!
You’ve known for months who you are voting for, unless you’re an idiot who is somehow still undecided, but do you know how you’re going to vote on the ballot issues? That’s right, folks, ballot measures are back, and they probably will have a more direct and immediate impact on your life.
Huffington founded the Huffington Post as an if-you-can’t-beat-them liberal alternative to the Drudge Report, serving up blue meat to people who read as uncritically on the Left as Drudge’s audience on the Right. Their model of repackaging existing news into rage-fests and “think-pieces” with clickbait headlines — as well as promoting (but mercifully not paying) bloggers with no discernible journalistic skills — dragged down the rest of our media, resulting in the presidential candidates we have today.
So, considering the amount of garbage health reporting online, we can’t wait to see what new depths Huffington manages to drag it down to. But, while we wait for Thrive to launch, you can catch a sample from our very own Dr. Snee.
I’m surprised by how many people are complaining now that there are no good candidates to vote for in the presidential election. There never were. A year ago, there wasn’t a single candidate that got me excited. I don’t know what dream you people were chasing. From the outset, the most viable candidates on either side were seen as such purely for their last names. And now we can look back on that concern as quaint and innocent. There were never any good candidates, there are just fewer bad ones to choose from. If you were busy celebrating Cinco de Mayo this week, odds are you missed it.
We live in an alternate universe
This week, Donald Trump became the presumptive Republican nominee after Ted Cruz and John Kasich dropped out of the race, thus ending Carly Fiorina’s record-short vice presidential bid. Not to be outdone, Bernie Sanders said the Democratic National Convention will be contested … for some reason. It’s good to see that poor decision making doesn’t belong to one party, isn’t it?
A challenge American can handle
It was announced that the U.S. is in the midst of a cheese surplus. According to the Department of Agriculture, a glut of milk has lead to increased cheese production. At the same time, we’re importing a lot of cheese from Europe. Cheesemongers are flooding the market. So don’t be shocked if you start seeing cheese in exciting new products, like a cheese-stuffed burger, cheese-stuffed fries, or to capitalize on the breakfast food craze, cheese-stuffed pillows.
Drivers will have hands at 6 o’clock
Analysts said this week that self-driving cars will give occupants more free time than ever, and naturally, one of the top activities will be sex. Just imagine how different driver’s ed will be if these guys are right.
In times like these, belts have to be tightened, and the New York state Senate is no different. However, complaints are arising that budgets have been cut too far on toilet paper.
Senate Democrats are complaining that the Republicans are limiting their toilet papers supplies, and it’s really chapping their hides. It’s gotten so bad that staffers bring their own rolls to work. Republican Senate Majority Leader John Flanagan denies that there is any preferential treatment in toilet paper distribution.
Here in America, we like to pretend that our votes matter. Despite the fact that our forefathers set up the electoral college, and the Supreme Court over the years blowing the doors wide open for the super rich to buy any campaign they want, we like to feel special. But we don’t have access to our leaders like they do in Romania.
A member of the Romanian parliament has been convicted bribing voters. His bribe: a whole lot of fried chicken. Florin Popescu will serve two years in jail for buying votes with an estimated 55 tons of fried chicken. Investigators said he had entire trucks filled with fried chicken be delivered “for election purposes.”
The Democratic and Republican presidential debates serve as a reminder that for some reason portions of us think these people are worthy of leadership. The rest of us just have fun watching Jeb Bush humiliate himself. But even so, it’s nice to know that politics aren’t all prim and proper overseas, either.
Angela Rayner is a member of parliament in the British House of Commons. She wanted to buy a pair of shoes, but they were sold out. So she wrote a strongly worded letter to the shop that sold the shoes, and did so on House of Commons letterhead. An MP used official letterhead to complain about shoes. Scandalous, right? She was complaining that she wasn’t able to buy some high heels with R2-D2 on them.
This is the internet, so nothing Star Wars is outrageous for many people. But can you imagine if Nancy Pelosi strolled into the Capitol one day in shoes that had C-3PO on the heel?
Today is election day in Canada. Our friends are going to the polls today to decide who is going to run their country. But who cares about Canada? We’re just 13 months away from the U.S. presidential election, so let’s focus on that instead.
If your Facebook feed is any indication, it’s primary season, and that’s super important. We as Americans get the rare treat of directly choosing who will head the executive branch of our federal government for a period of four years. On top of that, the current guy isn’t eligible for another term, which means that both parties are trying to figure out who to run. It’s double the excitement, and it’s doubly important we get involved in the process. After all, our country’s future is at stake.