(Actual) clown running for Congress

With politics the way they are these days, it’s hard to imagine things getting more ridiculous. But voters in South Carolina could have a chance to send a real clown to Washington, D.C.

Steve Lough is a former clown with Ringling Brothers. But apparently he’s hanging up his big floppy shoes and ready to represent the people of South Carolina’s fifth district. He’s running as a Democrat, and seeking his party’s nomination for this fall’s election. Lough said one of his main issues is preventing mass shootings from happening again.

So, he’s a sad clown.

Deer semen is the currency of Texas politician’s campaign

Ana Lisa Garza is running for a seat in the Texas House of Representatives, and she’s challenging the long-time occupant of that seat in a primary tomorrow. There’s something different about Garza’s campaign. It’s gotten a lot of donations in the form of deer semen.

For most of the country, deer are a nuisance animal that we need to cull every year so we hit fewer of them with our cars. In Texas, they must not have this problem, because there’s a deer breeding industry. According to a report, Garza’s campaign has received some $51,000 in donation in the form of deer semen in frozen straws. The campaign has probably taken the in-kind donation and then sold the straws to keep as funding.

Fun fact: One “collection” from a buck can fill up to 60 straws.

Elvis lives, and he’s running as a Libertarian

Celebrities these days are so political.

Because it’s 2018, and there is no such thing as politics as usual anymore, there is a man named Elvis Presley running for Congress. Of course there is.

Decades ago, Elvis Presley made it big not only because he co-opted rhythm and blues and made it white, but because he was the first white guy in recorded history to shake his hips. Today, Elvis A. Presley, an Elvis impersonator who changed his name, is running for one of Arkansas’ seats in the House of Representatives. He is running as a Libertarian, challenging Rep. Rick Crawford, R-Ark.

We hope to see Presley on the Capitol Hill next year, if only to see him order a peanut butter and banana sandwich during an all-night session.

Coup averted: Dog cannot run for governor in Kansas

Today is a big day. Today our faith was reaffirmed in the system and its ability to keep us safe from our enemies, the animals. A dog cannot run for governor in Kansas.

Hutch the dog applied to run for governor of Kansas last weekend. Rather, the humans he controls filled out the paperwork for him. And this week the Kansas Secretary of State’s Office ruled that Hutch cannot run because he would not be able to carry out the responsibilities of such a position.

Obviously, an animal takeover of our democratic process is the greatest threat to our country today. We have a glimpse into the hell that a Hutch administration would look like His campaign managers said Hutch planned on naming his sister and brother lieutenant governor and secretary of state. Nepotism much?

Cat fight in Australia

Oh Australia, you’re so cute! Here in the U.S., we have real problems to discuss, like wars, a lax economy and whether or not a member of Congress tweeted a crotch pic to a woman. In Australia, they deal with such quaint things like meowing at each other.

Australian Finance Minister Penny Wong was speaking at a hearing when a senator meowed at her. Wong got upset with blokes for what apparently is a sexist comment in the Down Land Under (or some combination of those words), saying that the senator would not have meowed if it had been a man testifying. The senator later apologized via Twitter.

Woof.

I’m voting it

Those that have gone to an accredited school with the intent of learning about administration and such skills learn tons and tons of what to do and what not to do. Not that this should be felt as a statement that takes away from those that haven’t gone to school. There’s so much stuff that a person will have to learn on the job that it can get a little bewildering.

However, one thing that most people can agree on as common sense is subtly threatening your employees with their jobs to vote a certain way is a bad thing and should not be done. This is not information that you acquire in school. This is not information that you can only learn on the job. This is information that you essentially already know since doing so is potentially illegal.

Blumenthal served in Vietnam … era

Richard Blumenthal, the attorney general of Connecticut, has a reputation for making outlandish statements. We even know him from trying to shut down Wii beer pong. But yesterday was worse.

It came out yesterday that Blumenthal, who is running for the U.S. Senate, did not actually serve in Vietnam, despite making many carefully worded claims he did, and at least once just flat out saying he did. In reality, he got at least five deferments, and then got into the Marine Corps Reserve, keeping him out of the war.

Another case of government pork

Sometimes, the United Kingdom is one of our closest allies. In nearly every war we’ve fought since double ya double ya ah, we’ve been joined at the hip heading into battle (except for World War II, where we decided to sit the first couple years out).

But now, there’s a rift that could threaten to undo the great alliance between the limeys and the Greatest Nation on Earth. You may have heard about the whole dissolution of Parliament and Prime Minister Gordon Brown stepping down thing, but did you know that they hold elections there, too?

That’s a good thing, America likes democracy, but we don’t let our animals vote. England cannot say the same thing. An English woman said her pig, or as they call them over there, “pig,” received a voter registration letter for the upcoming general election. How can we possibly be allies with a country that let’s mankind’s greatest foe vote in its own elections?

I’m pretty sure that’s what the War of 1812 was about.

The dead are getting into politics again

In Tennessee, they have a loose definition of the word “alive.”

Carl Robin Geary was running for mayor of Tracy City, Tennessee, but died weeks before the election. The only problem is he didn’t stay dead. His death didn’t even stop the campaign, or his supporters. As it ended up, Geary crushed his opponent in the recent election.

His opponent had been serving as mayor until the previous one died. We have no word on whether that mayor stayed dead.

Congress is too manly for its own good

Are you tired of Congress? Does it seem like they just won’t get the job done, no matter who we send there? Do you believe lawmakers are no longer willing to work together on the issues? Sen. Evan Bayh, D-Ind., agrees with you, which is why he’s done with it all.

The problem with Congress today? They’ve got balls.

Yes, in an interview, Bayh said “testosterone poisoning” was part of a culture shift in Congress that has led to everyone hating everyone and picking sides. Well, that and reality television. Bayh also said “tribal” politics has led to our current situation. It is so bad that congressmen are organizing themselves into two groups, and every two years some people get voted out.