Take it from Snee: We need more swearing exceptions

As a child, my parents had a no swearing rule. They worked hard to clean up their language, and the resulting stress caused them to flip out whenever I broke that rule.

There was one morning, though, when my dad was watching a movie with explosions, camouflage and all of my favorite words. I asked why the men in the movie were allowed to cuss, and he said, “Because they’re at war.”

Imagine the impression this would make on a 5-year-old boy. From that point, I resolved to become either a soldier or a war movie actor, just so I could say whatever I wanted. (This same logic made me want to become a bowler so I could smoke and Robocop so I could eat baby food.)

Growing up, I learned there are a few other exceptions to the no swearing rule in the general public beyond international conflict.

  • Moments of great pain
  • In newfangled non-rhyming poetry
  • While making love for the first time

But is that all? Surely there are more situations where we–not just I–need to express ourselves with the lambada dance steps of communication. Continue reading Take it from Snee: We need more swearing exceptions

Love means never having to sign another treaty

Love. It’s the same all over the world. Unfortunately, so are the downsides of relationships, like break ups (and children).

Imagine two lovers joined together as one, as they had for many, many years. The man starts becoming more and more abusive, so the woman declares herself independent of the man and wins her battle. As with some break ups, the two can’t remain away for too long and start fighting again, with no change in the outcome.

Many years later, the woman comes to the man’s rescue, in the process becoming more powerful than she had ever thought she could become. Now the man sees the woman for her strong, feminine power and respects her for it. In truth, he does pretty much whatever she says.

The man in this story is the British Empire and the strong, empowered woman is the U.S. In case you were wondering the two lovers today are still friends with benefits.

Everyone I know is a fat, diseased libertarian, just like me

We’ve got some bad news for you health nuts who hang out with morbidly obese/ diseased people to make yourself feel better (there are some out there, right?), it turns out you aren’t what you eat, you are who you hang out with.

That goes for your political views, your weight, and–wait for it–whether you have an STD. Best of all, you don’t even have to see these people very often, you just need to interact with them in some manner, like the Internet.

The Guys want to be your friend. We’re clean. We swear.

Wave the bloody sock

In case you hadn’t heard, Sen. Ted Kennedy died last week. Unlike Chicago, the U.S. Senate does not let dead people vote, so the Commonwealth of Massachusetts is in a wicked pickle. They need to replace Kennedy and they need to do it as soon as state law allows them (five months) so that they can really be represented.

And just like when Superman was died, all of a sudden a bunch of impostors have come crawling out of the woodwork. The list is long, but the most recent name added is that of former Boston Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling.

In a radio interview, Schilling said the Republican party had contacted him about running for the vacant seat, but the limping millionaire was tight lipped as to whether he was thinking about it.

“Asked whether he would run, Schilling said, ‘As of today, probably not.'”

Ladies and gentlemen, there you have it. Curt Schilling will seek the vacant seat in the Senate!

Politicians are afraid of pork

Remember swine flu? Well it’s back and it has a new name, the H1N1 influenza virus. This means basically that it has been re-branded, since it needed a serious image change. The problem is, it’s still just as deadly as, well, the regular influezna virus.

Nevertheless, H1N1 has killed three people in Japan, and because of that, no one is taking it more seriously than Denny Tamaki, who is running for, well, something, in Japan. He is no longer shaking hands, he’s probably not even bowing to people within 10 feet of him, but he is still kissing those babies.

Tamaki does not want to get infected because he is not worried about himself, but others. If he himself is infected, he could pass it on to supporters. Good thing not all of the country’s politicians are reacting like that. Oh, wait …

You Missed It: We interrupt this broadcast edition

It’s not easy writing these things when big, tragic news happens during the week. You see, we can’t just ignore significant happenings, but we can’t make jokes about it either. This week is one of those weeks. I am speaking, of course, about the news that Chastity Bono is getting a sex change. Hope all of you are OK out there. If you were busy checking into rehab for depression and alcoholism–again, Mr. Congressman–odds are you missed it.

The transition will not be televised
By midnight, every television station has to stop broadcasting its analog signals and switch over to digital. This means that over 2 million people who depend on rabbit ears but don’t have a converter will be without their favorite appliance. On a more serious note, this also means that they will be without important information like emergency broadcast-type stuff. But for everyone else, it means you can watch the lame summer shows the big four air during the summer months sharper than ever before!

Tobacco, why do you make us keep hitting you?
Members of Congress, many of whom smoke or are backed by tobacco companies, passed a bill that gives the Food and Drug Administration regulation powers over tobacco. President Barack Obama, who himself smokes, said he looks forward to signing the bill, much like he looked forward to increasing federal taxes on tobacco products earlier this year. So for those of you playing along at home, yes, smoking is still cool, but it’s even cooler to be dependent on the tobacco industry in some way and slight it every chance you get. Self-loathing is what’s hip. Smoke, then hit yourself until you cry.

And ESPN still plays up the rivalry angle
Finishing up their third series of the 2009 season, the Boston Red Sox are a perfect 8-0 against the New York Yankees, a feat that has never happened in 90 or so years of baseball. Not saying that to gloat, or to point out that the Yankees’ season seems to be one of the most happily frustrating season we’ve seen in a while. I am not about to draw any parity to a perfect Boston-based team going up against a New York team some view as underrated. No, there’s no parallel in any other sport. On an unrelated note, how weird was it that there was no Super Bowl this year?

The McBournie Minute: I am better than Barack Obama

You have probably heard a bit about President Barack Obama’s date nights with, in breaking with a proud presidential tradition, his wife. Unless you live in the Washington, D.C. area, trust me, you’re not hearing the half of it. Obama loves going out on the town, even having strolls around the White House grounds with Michelle.

Some people are making a big deal out of this. (Democrats: “Aren’t they just so wholesome and romantic? It’s like the return of Camelot!”) (Republicans: “How DARE he spend time on his marriage? Taxpayer money is for overpaying on unsolicited government contracts!”) (Celebrity followers: “OHMYGOD, THERE THEY ARE!!!”) Even comedians like Jon Stewart are saying the 44th president is making him look bad in the eyes of his wife.

But what everyone seems to be missing is the point: I am better than Barack Obama.

Let’s put aside the whole “leader of the free world” title and compare man-to-man. Because you know what? Obama unzips his fly the same as I do when it’s time to take a leak. Let’s measure up. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: I am better than Barack Obama

And you thought the Obama-Spidey team-up was big

Sure, reading about Batman or Spider-man, or whatever Japanese crap Chugs reads, can be really entertaining, but let’s face it, you can only watch Peter Parker give Doc Ock a money shot to the sunglasses with web fluid so many times. What if–what if we could watch Secretary of State Hillary Clinton give that money shot instead?

Now you can do just that.

Bluewater Productions, a Washington, D.C. based publisher is releasing a line of comic books (most likely one-shots) about strong, independent females in politics. Supposedly, it’s about their life stories. You can watch each woman battle with her arch-nemesis. In Clinton’s case, the vast right-wing conspirators, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin will Palinize the gotcha media, Michelle Obama does battle with her husband’s shadow and Caroline Kennedy fights off reports she is cheating on her husband and withdraws her bid for a seat in the Obama cabinet.

There may even be talk of a comic book featuring Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, which would be a great move, if you ask us. Villains need there own books now and then.

Take it from Snee: My friends are emotionally needy

Or, 25 Things About Me

I’ve been successfully ignoring Facebook for nigh-on three months when I start getting emails about friends tagging me in notes. As an Internet celebrity, that makes me nervous: who knows what my friends are saying about me when writing 25 things about themselves?

Imagine my surprise to find they had written not a got-milked thing about me! (Are you angry? Good imagining!)

So, as a service to you readers (especially the angry ones), here are 25 things about me: Continue reading Take it from Snee: My friends are emotionally needy

You Missed It: Has it been eight years already? edition

Much of the U.S. is in a cold snap right now, with wind chills dipping across the continent to less than 0 degrees Fahrenheit. This has taken the country completely off guard because it’s winter time, which means temperatures in the 30s followed by days in the 60s. Remember though, global warming is a myth those hippies are selling. Don’t buy it. If you were taking an unexpected dip in the Hudson River this week, odds are you missed it.

No more Bush
President George Bush (who somehow dropped the W. in news references in late 2001) gave his last press briefing this week, one in which he outlined his presidency, and for the first time in the White House (though he has admitted to it many times in press interviews the past few months) that he regrets the “Mission Accomplished” sign. That was one of the big ones. OK, we get that one, but there were a few other biguns in there. If only I could remember two dozen or so.

The application Steve Jobs has unexpectedly quit
Citing health reasons, Apple CEO Steve Jobs said he would temporarily step down from his position. Jobs is credited with growing the company to roughly four or five times the size it was in the first part of the decade. He credits the success to hard work, innovation and an unending ad campaign conditioning the masses to pay exorbitant amounts of cash for something cool. Jobs claims health problems as his reason to step down, but really it’s just that he wants to use a computer that actually closes a program when you “X out” of it.

Did it just get warmer in here?
In FOX’s long, long battle on our eardrums, the latest season of American Idol debuted this week. The opening episodes are usually fun because you can watch the people who really, really suck act like they don’t know it already and are just trying to get themselves on television so they can promote their Web site. But one surprise contestant sang and stripped. Casey Carlson apparently can not only sing a few bars, she can also model bikinis with the best of them. She showed off both talents during his audition. Randy was the only one who cared.