Take it from Snee: My friends are emotionally needy

Or, 25 Things About Me

I’ve been successfully ignoring Facebook for nigh-on three months when I start getting emails about friends tagging me in notes. As an Internet celebrity, that makes me nervous: who knows what my friends are saying about me when writing 25 things about themselves?

Imagine my surprise to find they had written not a got-milked thing about me! (Are you angry? Good imagining!)

So, as a service to you readers (especially the angry ones), here are 25 things about me: Continue reading Take it from Snee: My friends are emotionally needy

You Missed It: Has it been eight years already? edition

Much of the U.S. is in a cold snap right now, with wind chills dipping across the continent to less than 0 degrees Fahrenheit. This has taken the country completely off guard because it’s winter time, which means temperatures in the 30s followed by days in the 60s. Remember though, global warming is a myth those hippies are selling. Don’t buy it. If you were taking an unexpected dip in the Hudson River this week, odds are you missed it.

No more Bush
President George Bush (who somehow dropped the W. in news references in late 2001) gave his last press briefing this week, one in which he outlined his presidency, and for the first time in the White House (though he has admitted to it many times in press interviews the past few months) that he regrets the “Mission Accomplished” sign. That was one of the big ones. OK, we get that one, but there were a few other biguns in there. If only I could remember two dozen or so.

The application Steve Jobs has unexpectedly quit
Citing health reasons, Apple CEO Steve Jobs said he would temporarily step down from his position. Jobs is credited with growing the company to roughly four or five times the size it was in the first part of the decade. He credits the success to hard work, innovation and an unending ad campaign conditioning the masses to pay exorbitant amounts of cash for something cool. Jobs claims health problems as his reason to step down, but really it’s just that he wants to use a computer that actually closes a program when you “X out” of it.

Did it just get warmer in here?
In FOX’s long, long battle on our eardrums, the latest season of American Idol debuted this week. The opening episodes are usually fun because you can watch the people who really, really suck act like they don’t know it already and are just trying to get themselves on television so they can promote their Web site. But one surprise contestant sang and stripped. Casey Carlson apparently can not only sing a few bars, she can also model bikinis with the best of them. She showed off both talents during his audition. Randy was the only one who cared.

Some ‘Obama’ person calling elected officials

Is someone following you? Do you feel like you are being watched? Do you get repeated friend requests on Facebook from people you don’t know? Is someone harassing you over the phone? If so, you may have a stalker.

No one knows that better than Rep. Illena Ros-Lehtinen (R-Fla.), who keeps getting prank phone calls from someone named Barack Obama, claiming he is the president-elect. Ros-Lehtinen received a call from her stalker yesterday. He claimed he just wanted to talk, but she hung up on him. The man, his feelings having been hurt by the one he was reaching out to, had his buddy call her instead.

It was Rep. Rham Emanuel (D-Ill.), someone she knows from work. He claimed that Obama was the president-elect and really wanted to talk to her. Ros-Lehtinen was not going to have her feelings manipulated by a mutual acquaintance, so she hung up on him, too. Besides, he was delusional as well, claiming he was going to be Obama’s chief of staff.

Since the frightening incident, Ros-Lehtinen has not posted anything on her Web site. There are no statements, press releases or blog entries about the incident. This blog is pleased to see that, because recognition would only encourage the stalker, whoever this “Obama” guy is.

If someone is stalking you, please, contact the authorities.

You Missed It: Feeling drowsy edition

Welcome to the last edition of You Missed It before the holiday. We say “holiday” so as not to offend those who are not of the faith, but still choose to celebrate Thanksgiving. In some retail circuits, it is also known as Black Thursday or Christmas Part II. (Part I being Halloween, of course.)

It’s that time of year again where everyone is hoping to see the first flakes of snow, meanwhile, parts of upstate New York have three feet of it already. So here’s hoping you get some of their share. If you were busy naming your son Bronx Mowgli, odds are you missed it.

Justice never sleeps, but it does faint now and then
Scary one here for the U.S. Justice Department, during a speech in Washington on Thursday, Attorney General Michael Mukasey began slurring his words before slowing falling forward into the podium. He was caught and taken to a Washington, D.C. hospital. Worries of a stroke were quelled when Mukasey was released Friday afternoon, apparently it was a fainting spell. Mukasey was estimated to be the fourth person to lose consciousness during his speech that night.

‘We promise not to go on any luxury retreats after this, honest’
Executive of the Big Three car manufacturers went to Congress this week to beg for some of the free money that they have been handing out so generously to banks and mistresses. When they testified, they were not met with the customary “Of course you can! Here’s a check, just write in the amount. We know you’re good for it.” No, they were instead met with angry sound bite after angry sound bite, as lawmakers railed the executives. NSACAR fans, on the other hand, have been nothing but sympathetic.

The death of Lively
Google announced this week that it will be shutting down next month its Second Life-esque Lively. This of course saddened the dozens of people who had actually heard about Lively in the first place. The company said it was directing its resources elsewhere, because apparently the Internet is already saturated places for lonely men to troll for random hook-ips.

You Missed It: Who would Jesus endorse? edition

We meet again, dear reader. Did you make it through the work week? Well, technically you haven’t yet. There are still several more hours left before you are free. You must continue to sit in your chair at your desk and watch as the seconds slowly … tick… by.

But wait! Here’s an idea: what if we provided some sort of reading material for you in hopes of getting you through this rough patch. Until then, this will have to do. If you were busy baptizing the dead Jews, odds are you missed it.

My name is Jesus Christ, and I approve this message
In Greenville, North Carolina, a Catholic priest is calling a vote for Obama a mortal sin. Rev. Jay Scott Newman is denying communion to any parishioners who voted for Obama in the recent election because he is a pro-choice candidate. Before he could answer questions about Joe Biden becoming the first Catholic vice president, the priest shooed everyone away because it was time for him to show the altar boys how to take a poll.

It’s only called a bailout if the ship is sinking
President George Bush and President-elect Barack Obama met this week to discuss things like the transition, the war on terrorism, the economy and the art of posing for a photo-op. Obama also pushed for a bailout of the U.S. auto industry, because GM is teetering and Ford and Chrysler are bleeding money like the slowest in the herd when the lions are on the hunt. They did not seem to agree on this issue. So it is our sage advice that you invest in imported car companies.

To the Williams-mobile, Robin!
Former Washington, D.C. Mayor Anthony Williams has only been out of office for less than a year. However, he has not given up serving the city. This week Williams, 57, was walking to his office when he saw someone grab a package containing computer parts from a UPS truck. The delivery man yelled at him. Wasting no time, Williams sprinted after the man shouting at him. When the thief saw it was the former mayor, he handed over the box and ran off. Yes, that is a true story.

(Image by Michael Ian Weinfield via ANIMAL)

How To: Joke about the new president

Comedians are worried about their trade now that George Bush’s presidency is almost over. It’s been an easy eight years, minus that brief period in late 2001-2002 when we depended on him as an illiterate father-figure.

In fact, things have been so bad for Bush and the gang that Republicans are complaining that we made too much fun of him, ruining their dreams of pop-up history books.

But enough about those oversensitive, feelings-oriented, fairness-mongering crybabies. We’ve got a real issue on our hands: how do we make fun of the guy who’s supposed to save America, especially one who’s … um, diverse?

Did any of you voters think about us? Humorists have husbands, wives and children to publicly belittle; we can’t pay for that unless we do political jokes, too. This is why The Guys held an emergency post-election meeting to determine how to joke about the new president. Continue reading How To: Joke about the new president

The War on Journalism

The occupation of journalist is one of the most hated in the country, it’s right up there with lawyers, doctors and Paul Walker. But in times of tragedy, we as Americans always find a way to come together and make it through. This blog has some sad news of which to inform you: a reporter was viciously attacked by one of President Bush’s ruthless dogs.

We have always said that pets are OK to keep, as long as they know their place and you have the proper means to humiliate your pet. Clearly, the Bush administration has been lacking with its pets, the Unholy Trio better known as Barney, Miss Beazley and Willie.

Barney, a Scottish terrier, bit an MSNBC reporter on the White House grounds this week, a clear example of abuse of power. The Bush family has put its pets up on a pedistal, even giving them their own random and creepy holiday short films every year. Little did we know the mongrels were enjoying living so luxuriously while waiting to lash out at whomever they wanted to.

In accordance with his stance on crime, Bush has said Barney will be put down via bullet on live television as an example to all other pets out there. We say to the Obamas: please, please don’t get your daughters that dog you promised.

UPDATE: Video footage of the brutal attack can be found here.

The McBournie Minute: Tomorrow is not the end of annoyance

Here we are at the end of the campaign trail of the 2008 election, or as it is known in the Washington area, the kickoff for 2012. We all know where the candidates stand on the issues, heck, Al Gore emailed my work address this morning to tell me about how important elections are, which is probably caused by global warming. In just over 24 hours, it will all finally be over. No more calls, no more people knocking on your door, no more activists pathetically trying to get you to listen to them as you walk by listening to your iPod.

This is the end of the good times.

In my opinion, this election could not have come at a worse time. We as a nation were finally united and then this thing comes along and splits us all up again. For the past two or three years, we have reached across our own aisles to work together toward a common goal: hating George W. Bush. It took the hard work of a bumbling administration, war, natural disaster, the English language and the hard work of people like Michael Moore and Susan Sarandon, but we got there. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Tomorrow is not the end of annoyance

You Missed It: Insert Vincent Price laugh here edition

It’s really hard to type in costume, my nails keep getting in the way. (Does that mean I’m one of the Girls Next Door or Dracula? You decide.) Welcome to a special Halloween edition of You Missed it. No, there’s nothing really Halloweeny about this week’s edition, but it falls on the second biggest commercial holiday in the U.S. Stay tuned tomorrow for special Dia de los Muertos posts on our sister site, HombresSeriamentes.com. If you were busy being convicted in your corruption trial this week, odds are you missed it.

That bleedin’ wanker oughtn’t be buggerin’ her!
British comedian Russell Brand resigned from his weekend show on BBC Radio this week after a battle or as they say in England, “row,” over one of his latest bits. Brand called actor Andrew Sachs’ home but failed to reach him. Instead, Brand left a series of messages detailing his (fictional) carnal knowledge of Sachs’ 23-year old granddaughter. The bit was deemed “gross” and “offensive.” For those of you keeping score of British humor at home: prank calls = offensive, silly walks and old men chasing after young women in fast motion to music = hilarious.

And now for something completely similar
Can’t get enough of Sen. Barack Obama? Neither can his campaign. This week Obama aired a 30-minute infomercial about his stance on things and showing people who are helping or can be helped. In it, Obama stood talking to the camera in a room that looked like the Oval Office, but with natural looking stain on the wooden window frames, instead of painted white. The title of the special: I Know You Really Want to Watch the Rest of Game 5 of the World Series, But I Need to Burn This Campaign Money. Speaking of which …

You know what’s clever? Spelling ‘F’ words with ‘Ph’
In the longest game in World Series history, Game 5 was concluded more than 48 hours after it began. The Philadelphia Phillies finished off the Tampa Bay Rays. Philadelphia’s football fans are known for their rude and overbearing behavior, luckily, Phillies fans showed restraint in their celebration, setting fires, flipping cars, firing guns into the air and accidentally injuring and/or killing themselves. WOOOOOOOOOO!

The McBournie Minute: Drinking with the candidates

At this point, the presidential candidates and their vice presidential picks have been covered, analyzed and talked about to death. All that is left are rumors and we can leave those to the rumor mongers. (What is a monger, by the way?)

That being said, I figured out an angle that all of the mainstream media, all of the New Media and bloggers have not yet been able to cover: what are the candidates like when you get a couple drinks in them at the bar. I sat down with each of the candidates over the past week and discussed the issues that matter to Joe Sixpack, like who is going to pay the tab. The Democrats won the coin toss backstage and have elected to go first. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Drinking with the candidates