Tag: politics

Voodoo politics

In America, if we don’t like our politicians, we write songs about or call our favorite national talk radio personalities. It goes without saying that everything in France is just a little different. There, a publishing company has been releasing dolls that look like President Nicolas Sarkozy and includes a voodoo manual.

This has Sarkozy a bit upset. He has threatened to sue the company because apparently over there, famous people still own their likeness, unlike politicians here in the U.S.

The Guys applaud France’s attempts at expression of its disappointment with its leaders. We are glad to see something in between sad films about the pointlessness of life and more than a week’s worth of riots. However, this blog is keeping a wary eye on you, France. We defeated witchdoctors once and we can do it again.

Fine! Maybe Georgia will have change to spare

With the economy heading down the tubes and the presidential election less than two weeks away, candidates are more in need of campaign funding but voters are more reluctant to give it to them. This, like so many other once-proud American jobs, the position of campaign financer is being outsourced overseas.

Russia’s envoy to the U.N. received a letter from the campaign of Sen. John McCain on Monday, asking for a donation of anywhere from $35 to $5,000. In the letter, McCain said he would be proud to serve the Russian envoy. Russia turned down the offer to donate. The McCain campaign said it was a mix-up on the mailing list.

The campaign added the slogan “Country First” does not declare which country comes first.

You Missed It: Really long speeches edition

Alright, this one’s going to be brief. It’s Labor Day weekend getaway time, and most of you probably aren’t even reading this today. If you’re busy stuck in traffic today, odds are you missed it.

When the phone rings at 3 a.m. …
As promised, Sen. Barack Obama let his supporters know his pick for vice president first. The news that he had picked Sen. Joe Biden was sent out via text message before he announced it publicly. The decision meant he passed over former Sen. John Edwards AND his mistress. Supporters woke up to the sound of their phones beeping, then grumbled when they saw it was something that could wait until morning.

You are the weakest candidate, good bye
Not be outdone, Sen. John McCain’s campaign took a reality show-style approach to its VP prick process. Every day one name seemed to be eliminated, adding to the suspense as to who would be voted off next. One by one, they got whittled down until the announcement this morning that Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin was given the final rose by McCain. Palin is a former Miss Alaska beauty pageant contestant, and her rise to fame has already created a new term: VPILF.

The McBournie Minute: This election is tame

A lot of people say that politics are ugly today. They aren’t. They are actually way, way more civilized than they ever had been in any other point of American history and you can credit that to gun restrictions and television cameras. Without those, it would probably still be a free for all.

Sure, things may be heating up between the Obama and McCain campaigns. We certainly have seen some nasty ads from Sen. John McCain and some responding spoken criticisms from Sen. Barack Obama. But really it’s timid, compared to what it has been in the past. Yes, politics in America may be more civilized than they ever had been. Hit the jump for more. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: This election is tame

The McBournie Minute: The end is near

The world is coming to an end. I know this, because a pamphlet stuck under my windshield wiper told me so. Someone came along to long term parking at Thurgood Marshall Baltimore-Washington International Airport and left it there.

The pamphlet was, oddly enough, from someone who started his own church, or sect, or splinter group, because no one would believe him. We know of course this means he is right, because only crazy people belong to churches of millions. I can’t tell you what his name is, or what his church’s name is, because I balled the pamphlet up and threw it away, but I do know that we are all going to die and it is going to happen very, very soon. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: The end is near

Paris Hilton in 2008

Did you see the television ad from the McCain campaign last week? Paris Hilton certainly did, and was surprised to find herself featured in it, along with Sen. Barack Obama and Britney Spears. The ad, which Sen. John McCain has since defended, paints Obama as a celebrity unworthy of being president.

Normally, the SG Election Team, The Most Greatest Election Coverage Team Since The Dawn of Time®, would not give two hoots about what Hilton is up to, but it seems she has taken the McCain ad to heart and is throwing her hat into the ring.

Hilton has responded this week with her own ad, released online, where she announces that she must be running for president if she is mentioned in an ad, so she might as well start campaigning. Not much is known about Hilton’s politics, or even if she knows that they are, but one thing is certain: she is the first presidential contender to wear lip gloss since Jimmy Carter.

Remember: aim for the head

Folks, there is a lot at stake in this November’s election. But somehow the stakes just got higher. This election, has now heard from another demographic, but this time one that we should fear. We’ll let the headline speak for itself:

Dead veterans happy to rock again for Obama

Yes, zombies seem to have endorsed Sen. Barack Obama. Worst of all, these zombies seem to have military training and musical prowess. This is the worst kind of zombie. It is a bigger threat than simply running for office, stealing money from us or acting, they are trained to kill and much worse, jam for 20 minutes on the same song. Citizens, we need to hunt down the undead now!

Mayor of the Dead

Citizen, you should be proud that you’re (probably) a member of the United States of America. We’re a strong country. We have values that we’ll gladly impose upon you. We know what we want and we take it! But most important of all, we’re zombie-free. Unlike Europe, which seems to be riddled with the brain-munchers, our country knows the value in putting the dead back into their graves.

Another plus for our country and not Europe? We don’t have zombies elected as political officials. While this was obviously most evident during the 2004 election, stronger evidence of this can be seen as closely as Bucharest, where recently, a dead mayor was reelected by his Romanian village. Their reason? “We’re afraid of change.” Major weaksauce, Romania. Smartly, election authorities awarded the title of mayor to his candidate before a dark ritual or Solarium could be used to expedite the corpse’s stroll back to office.

People, that’s not a bipartisan system-it’s a brain partaking system. It’s smart not to let a zombie in office. All we would have is tons and tons of legislature stating, “Send more paramedics.”

McCain vows to ‘veto every single beer’

Sen. John McCain seems to be courting the Baptist vote again while turning against what people know him as. Earlier today, he told the National Small Business Summit that he would nix beer if he is elected president.

“I will use the veto as needed. I will veto every single beer–bill with earmarks,” McCain said.

Let us repeat that. John McCain is anti-alcohol.

Sure, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee played it off as a slip of the tongue, but we know what is really going on. He is getting farther and farther away from who he truly is, a hard-drinking, foul-mouthed sailor and prisoner of war that we all found so lovable in the 2000 primaries.

To be fair, McCain went on to talk about how he would only use the veto for stuff that came across his desk. One can take this to mean that he won’t let Congress buy him drinks because he’s not that kind of girl. But what happens if he doesn’t get elected? In what will he drown his sorrows?

Watch for the spin doctors trying to say he means he won’t drink on the job.

Rest assured: OSU grads are on the case

NBC’s Brian Williams, who took yet more time off from not reporting real news, delivered a commencement address to Ohio State University in Columbus graduates. He used his podium time to give college students a job: fixing the United States.

Williams claimed that “there is nothing wrong with America that someone from Ohio State can’t fix.” He then laid out the main areas of focus: “energy, politics, diplomacy, science, education, military, transportation,” and climate.

Williams set them loose with a “Go get ’em, OH!” (The graduates, in fact, remained seated until their hangovers cleared up.)  At this very moment, all of these problems will now be addressed by countless OSU graduates with degrees in Communications, Marketing and Literature.

“Well, it gives me something to do while I look for a real job over the next year,” said Artie Muskegee, a graduating OSU Music Therapy student.