Elections: Now with 74% more fiber!

It was Peter Finch who said the infamous lines “I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE! I want you to get up right now, sit up, go to your windows, open them and stick your head out and yell–‘I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore!’ Things have got to change. But first, you’ve gotta get mad! You’ve got to say, ‘I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!’ Then we’ll figure out what to do about the depression and the inflation and the oil crisis. But first get up out of your chairs, open the window, stick your head out, and yell, and say it: I’M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!” in the classic 1976 movie, Network. Unfortunately, the rest of the world seemingly gets movies in their countries much later than the rest of us. Like Italy, it would seem.

Case in point: a 41-year-old businessman with pooping problems, having seemingly just seen Network, decided that, in a fit of rage and protest, to eat his electoral ballot. Claiming that all Italian politicians and politics “are crap” and that he was protesting “against the system,” the unnamed individual went for a nice plate of fettuccine politico. Of course, based on his own words, does he not realize that he was eating crap?

I’m just saying, is all.

How To: Select a running mate

It’s an election year, and that means if you’re running for a certain office in the executive branch of the federal government, it’s time to choose your running mate. Now, though it may be April, there’s a chance your political party has not yet nominated you as their candidate because you don’t have enough electoral votes. Pay no heed to that! It never hurts to plan ahead. Just like cleaning your bathroom, if you get it done now, that’s one less thing you’ll have to worry about before the big party.

History has taught us many important things in choosing a potential vice president. The Guys are constitutional experts on this subject. For example: did you know that the VP’s only real job is to babysit the U.S. Senate, while calling the White House every 24 hours to see if president is still breathing? Now, with our expertise demonstrated, we present to you, how to choose a running mate. Continue reading How To: Select a running mate

Pee in toilet, kiss baby, pee in toilet, kiss baby, pee in baby, kiss toilet

Hartley-the golden streamer's manIn a tough election cycle, it can be tough for a candidate to make themselves stand out above the crowd. As one San Diego City Council candidate learned, peeing into a cup and masturbating on a public street in the middle of the afternoon is certainly one way to do that. That might cost him a few votes, but sometimes real leadership means do things that are unpopular, right? Plus, I’m sure that he’s locked into the “Urination and Globule” constituents.

Take it from Snee: Who is Hillary Clinton?

Don’t let that McCain ad in our right-hand margin fool you: SeriouslyGuys is, and always has been, a relatively apolitical site. We don’t endorse candidates because we’re issues-driven. (Those issues, of course, are the wars on animals, aliens and education.) That said, when we write about political candidates in the Scurry section, it’s always in the interest of equal-opportunity offense.

So there’s been some bellyaching from Hillary-supporters. They are upset because Barack Obama gets, as they put it, “far more coverage” in the media. In an attempt to balance the Democratic media-coverage spreadsheet, I’ve decided to provide the Hillary campaign with coverage comparable to Obama’s. (You’re welcome, Mrs. Clinton.)

Continue reading Take it from Snee: Who is Hillary Clinton?

Scurry to Meghalaya

Most westerners think people in India have odd sounding names. They have no idea. Over 300 politicians in the remote Indian state of Meghalaya are running for the state legislature. Let’s just say they sound like American write-ins.

This blog’s favorites:

  • Adolf Lu Hitler Marak
  • Frankenstein Momin
  • Britainwar Dan
  • Hilarius Pohchen

Ready for something that will drive you nuts all day? Why is it politicians in a remote Indian state have such pronounceable names, but you can’t find a single vowel in the name of the guy driving your cab?