Tag: poll

We just hope it has 10 fingers, 10 toes and four penises

Gallup conducted a special poll to confirm whether or not American parents’ preference for boys has changed since the 1940s. It has not.

But, what is fascinating is how those preferences skewed slightly depending on demographics. Younger respondents wanted boys. College-educated people and liberals wanted girls.

And after those genetic dice are rolled and you start to hate your spouse? Divorced parents were more likely to split custody over sons, but couples with daughters were more likely to divorce, period.

What the poll forgot to mention is that, no matter what you get, they will pee on your stuff.

Activate Republi-Bot 2012!

After years weeks of trying to find a candidate that can beat President Barack Obama in the 2012 election, Gallup has delivered one that finally ties in poll numbers: Generic Republican Candidate.

Yes, Generic Republican Candidate! It slices tax rates and dices spending! It prays using only widely-accepted Western practices! It demonstrates high school graduate proficiency of the English language and American history!

Just open Generic Republican Candidate’s can, and use an ordinary hair dryer to remove the wrinkles from its flag pin-adorned suit and power tie in mere seconds! It comes with everything you see here and an unassailable military record!

Generic Republican Candidate: You can trust it because it’s clearly labeled “Made in America.”*

*Parts made in China, assembled in India and delivered by Mexicans.

90 percent of pollsters think you suck

Speaking of words that make you look like an a$$hole, Marist pollsters have determined that “whatever” is the most annoying word or phrase in the English language.

Runners up were “like,” “you know what I mean,” “to tell you the truth” and “actually” …. Wait a minute.

Marist conducted … a poll of annoying words … and “moist” didn’t make the list? Or “synergy?” Not even “decadence?”

This isn’t a list of actually annoying words at all! Not to you and me, anyway. This is just a list of words and phrases that annoy pollsters when trying to get answers!

Happiness is a state (no, really)

The CDC has conducted a survey over the past four years, poling (heh) over 1.3 million people to learn if they’re happy. (Before you suddenly fiscal conservatives go crazy, remember: four years ago.)

Organized by state, it appears that Louisiana is numbah one.

Of course, part of their data was collected before Hurricane Katrina, and part of it afterwards, yet they still managed to average happiest over states like Florida, Hawaii and Wyoming, which everyone knows is called “the Happy State.”

Factors that raised states like Hawaii and Florida to the top and states like New Jersey and Antipathy (a secret volcanic island off the Jersey Shore where the government tests wild dog repellent on newborns) included climate, crime rates, air quality and schools.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a news story about a study unless someone reached startlingly untenable conclusions based on research that wasn’t present and ignores the other 48 states in between the top and bottom results: the USA Today believes faith is the the reason why Louisianna beat out New York. Well, you know what they say about ignorance.