Chemical colonization of Earth complete!

Look at ’em — getting all high and fat on our chemical brilliance. You’re welcome, Sebastian.

Congratulations, human beings! It only took us 10,000 years, but there is now no place on the face of the Earth that has not been changed by us! From garbage left on the highest summits of our mightiest mountains to now the deepest depths of the ocean, no place can escape our incredible reach. And we learned the latter because we’ve colonized the Mariana Trench with polychlorinated biphenyls.

Scientists discovered the PCBs in amphipods — shrimplike crustaceans —  brought back to the surface. Not only did we find our chemicals inside of them (free of charge), but at higher levels than in similar crustaceans found in polluted Chinese waters. So, we’re crushing it even harder as a species than we knew was even possible.

What’s even more exciting is that we didn’t even discover PCBs until 1865 or start using them until 1881. So, did we say 10,000 years? Because we meant 136, bee-yotch! The Industrial Revolution is still winning the War on Animals!

Now we just need to find life on another planet and beat that time!

You Missed It: Riding again edition

Funny, he doesn't look anything like Emilio Estevez to me.
Funny, he doesn’t look anything like Emilio Estevez to me.

People were shocked when Playboy announced that it’s going non-nude from now on, and I don’t understand why. Didn’t the magazine do that for a few issues 30 years ago when Hugh Hefner had a come-to-Jesus moment? It didn’t work then, obviously. It may or may not work now, but the real question is who cares? I can’t tell you the last time I saw a place that sold Playboy, much less talked to someone who owned them. I know a generation ago it was like a rite of passage or whatever, and that older guys are probably all that’s keeping that magazine is business, but Playboy magazine hasn’t really ever been relevant to people my age, and I’m sure it isn’t for those younger than me. As long as the mansion’s still having parties. If you were busy taking your reality show to capture your ex-husband’s struggle for life this week, odds are you missed it.

The outlaw returns
It was confirmed this week that an old photograph bought at a store in California is a newly discovered photo of Billy the Kid. Photo experts authenticated the photo, which shows Mr. The Kid and members of his gang in Lincoln County, New Mexico playing croquet after a wedding. That means that every girl planning a wedding in a barn with string lights and mason jars is adding croquet to her reception plans right now.

Trump, Carson threaten to not be seen for once
This week, Republican presidential candidates Donald Trump and Ben Carson told CNBC that they would boycott the upcoming debate hosted by the news channel if it were to run more than two hours long and not include opening and closing remarks. So that’s how you get rid of them.

What’s that smell?
Researchers in California have developed a bikini they say will help clean the ocean. The skimpy swimsuit is made out of material that repels water, but sucks in pollutants in the water. The invention has a fatal flaw, because women wearing bikinis at beaches never actually go anywhere near the water.

Birds stealing our plastic

Seabirds are trying to deny our access to strategic plastic reserves for nefarious reasons.
Seabirds are trying to deny our access to strategic plastic reserves for nefarious reasons.

Humanity has one advantage over beasts in the War on Animals: while each animal is only good at one or two things, we’re kind of great at everything thanks to our brains and technology. Fish can swim underwater; we can swim underwater and use spear guns. Bears can sh*t in the woods; we can sh*t in the woods while watching ESPN on our phones. Birds can fly; we can fly and consume as much plastic as we wa —

OK, not so fast, people.

Imagine this, but with shooting.
Imagine this, but with shooting.

Birds have recognized our advantage over them and now consume more plastic than ever. Scientists believe that 90 percent of seabirds are, at this very moment, hording our precious plastic reserves in the southern Atlantic, southern Pacific and Indian Oceans. That’s all the real oceans (because the Arctic is only where polar bears do “it”)! And, by 2020, up to 99 percent of seabirds will be at it.

Fellow humans, we don’t need to remind you what we make out of plastic (but we’re going to, anyway): guns, plastic packaging for new guns and plastic wrap for leftover guns. We’re a very short countdown away from seabirds spraying down our beaches with bullets. A veritable Legion of Boom that can only trash-talk in “caws.”

You Missed It: Female of the specie edition

Finishing the job Aaron Burr began two centuries ago.
Finishing the job Aaron Burr began two centuries ago.

I’m really trying not to get cynical about things. That’s why when I heard that police caught the racist trash who killed nine people he didn’t know, I tried to focus on the fact that unlike so many shooters, he was taken alive, and now he’ll have to answer for his crimes. Maybe we’ll learn something from him and figure out how to keep this from happening again. I’m still trying to convince myself that we’re going to change this time. Let’s shift gears now. If you were busy getting sent to the purgatory of MSNBC this week, odds are you missed it.

Eat it, Alexander Hamilton
This week, Treasury Secretary Jack Lew announced that the $10 bill will feature a woman when the newest redesign is released in 2020, even though no one uses paper currency anymore. He didn’t mention any names, but said that it would be an American woman who represents the best in American values. So congratulations, Kim Kardashian!

Pope tells world to clean up its room
Pope Francis called out the rich and powerful for harming the environment, saying that Earth looks like “an immense pile of filth.” He called on everyone around the world to avoid the sin of polluting the Earth. The head of the Catholic Church also said that there is a “solid scientific consensus” that climate change is mostly cause by humans. Plus, Donald Trump announced he’s running for president. Weird week, huh?

When trans fats are outlawed, only outlaws will have trans fats
The FDA announced this week that trans fats will be banned by 2018. The federal agency’s announcement was criticized for being trans-phobic, especially for Pride Month.

It’s sort of like an Easter egg hunt, but gross

If you see a glowing tampon floating in a stream, don’t just be grossed out, run. There’s a good chance you’re in danger.

Researchers have found that they can use common coloring chemicals to dye tampons, and then send them to find leaks in sewage pipes. You just send them down into the sewer, and then scour nearby lakes, rivers and streams to find them again. It will give you an idea of where the leak is and where pollution is seeping into lakes.

Why tampons? They float, and they don’t have dyes like other cotton does, so they can easily absorb something bright to make them easier to find.

The down side, of course, is that in this case, they only find the leaks. They don’t plug them up.

Would it hurt you to give your tree a hug?

Most of us can agree that pollution is bad, yet it might not be worth doing anything about.

You can’t blame people for opposing air quality regulations when respiratory health is on the line. Or the climate that impacts our food supplies. Or the high price of SPF 2000 sunscreen that leaves you looking a payday shy of Sasha Grey.

But did you ever consider that pollution is breaking our hearts, you inhuman monster?

And while we’re talking about broken hearts and your business practices, let your employees go home early.

Did you even call your mother this weekend?

Prick.

Unconvential weapons finally in use

The War on Animals is a total war, which means no one is safe. If you are an animal, regardless of how cute you are, we will hit you right in your breeding grounds. It also means we will use chemical warfare on you, because the Geneva Conventions do not apply to animals.

That’s why we’re hitting those we can’t really reach with chemicals like fire retardants. Yes, we are now attacking deep sea squid and octopi with chemical runoff from our shores. There is no telling yet what kind of effect our efforts will have on them and the rest of the cowards trying to hide from the war deep beneath the waves. We will fight them wherever we have to until the last one is dead.

Let’s just hope the chemicals don’t make these things colossal or super-intelligent.