Study: You people are gross

If you use someone else’s shower, you may want to bring your own bleach.

According to a recent study, 61% of Americans say they pee in the shower. Yes, most people think it’s acceptable to relieve themselves in the same place that they and others clean their bodies. Folks, it’s undeniable that there’s a convenience factor in emptying the tank in the shower, but the ability to control our bladders and not just go where we’re not supposed to is what separates us from wild beasts.

The survey also found that 41% pee in pools, which you may note, is also not a toilet, you animals.

Lookin’ like a fool with your poop in the pool

DO: Drop the kids off at the pool. DON'T: "Drop the kids off at the pool."
DO: Drop the kids off at the pool.
DON’T: “Drop the kids off at the pool.”

The CDC investigated 161 pools in and around Atlanta, Ga. and, according to bacterial evidence, somebody squeezed off a dook in over half of them. They found E. coli in 58 percent of all tested pools’ filters, and P. aeroginosa in 59 percent.

The CDC partially blames improper cleaning and maintenance procedures, but also that you — yes, you — are not fooling anybody. We’ve seen you at the bar and know that you go to the bathroom every 30 minutes.

So, what can you do to help prevent the already rising number of pool-illness incidents?

1. Wash that ass. Unwashed perianal regions (that area ranging from your pee parts to your anus, including the taint) contain 0.14 grams of fecal matter on average. So, scrub up with soap before soap before going to the pool — or, for that matter, sitting on shared surfaces or standing upwind from anybody.

2. Stop pooping in the pool. Or peeing. Or farting after eating “complete proteins.” And if you have diarrhea, just imagine there are poop-eating sharks — or shartks — waiting for you.

Thank you for your attention. Hope you have a rad summer.

And yet plastic bags have suffocation warnings

The Guys have been warning our wives and girlfriends for years, but apparently some people have to die from water balls before they’ll heed our warnings.

But seriously, water balls are inflated plastic balls that people are zipped into to walk across water the way Jesus did: hamster-style. The air you breathe is the same air used to maintain the integrity of the sphere, which should last for an hour … unless you’re dangerously out of shape, so nobody in America should have a problem with this.

Animals buttering us up for offensive

The military is concerned about fat, and with today’s national security concerns, they should be. Because animals won’t rest until you, your family and everyone you know is fat, slow and delicious.

Retired U.S. military officers are recommending that Congress regulate and spend more on school lunches. They cite an increased problem with turning away rising numbers of obese recruits. And they believe that school lunches, high in grease, fat and soda are the culprit.

We all know where school lunches come from, people: animals. From the Salisbury steak to the bacon bits in the green beans to paste in kindergarten class, animals are fattening themselves up on hormones and protein to disable our fighting men and women.

But that’s not all: animals are also trying to curb our exercise.

Water aerobics classes in Darwin, Australia are canceled until a crocodile leaves the pool or at least promises not to eat anyone. Without water aerobics, how will Australia’s military get into shape? HOW?

Deep blue motorcycle

Apparently chess isn’t the best game to play drunk. Despite beer pong, Madden, pool and darts paving the way for drunken excellence while hammered, dozing off after only 11 moves during an international tournament is grounds for losing on a technicality.

In our drunk bishop’s defense though, Vladislav Tkachiev is French, so other than champagne and baguettes, we’re not sure if they can handle booze.