Runner’s runs defiling neighborhood

After multiple mid-run runs, it might be time to invest in brown shorts.

Every neighborhood has That Runner. You know, the one that does push-ups when waiting for cross lights … or spends more lung capacity hocking loogies on everything than breathing … or never wears a shirt (sorry, not sorry for that last one). But, at least we’re not pooping on your lawn.

Multiple eyewitnesses in a Colorado Springs neighborhood have caught an unidentified runner mid-trots (in both meanings) on their front yards, back yards and even on a Walgreen’s. The runner has used the same lawn multiple times and even comes equipped with napkins to wipe afterwards.

So, this isn’t just an isolated case of Runners’ Trots every now and then. This is full-on pigeon behavior — which we all know is intentional because you never see bird turds on statues of other birds.

The Colorado Springs Police Department urges that, while this is comical, it’s important that we, the Internet, keep it together and not lose our sh-t. There are mental health issues to consider; we should consider this runner at least as dangerous as a bear pooping in … well, not the woods (a situation that the CSPD has handled in the past!).

A lot of poop news to take care of

Or he’s retiring to avoid copyright infringement lawsuits from the “South Park” creators.

We took a week off (and our layout seems to have taken an extended vacation), so you might have missed some of the most important world news–namely, poop news. We’re backed up with poop news, so let’s bear down and get through it.

Canada is in shock after the beloved Mr. Floatie announced his retirement from public life. Mr. Floatie, a turd mascot with a face, white gloves and a sailor hat (really), has been an icon in Victoria, British Columbia since 2004. He called attention to the city’s practice of dumping raw sewage into the ocean. Now, with the city building a sewage treatment plant, his job is done. The poop mascot was the hero his city needed. We will miss you, Mr. Floatie.

In Venezuela, there’s more than just political activism in the air. The country’s National Guard reported that rioters threw bottles filled with feces and water at them during a protest last week. The devices are called “poopootov cocktails,” obviously in homage to the great Soviet General Vasily Poopootov, who helped push back the Nazi invasion during World War II by flinging poop at German forces.

All mammals take the same amount of time to poop

There are a lot of differences between humans and other mammals. For example, we’re smarter, we have souls, and we don’t create memes anthropomorphizing humans. But apparently we all take the same amount of time to poop.

According to researchers, pretty much all mammals take 12 seconds or so to empty their bowels. It doesn’t even really matter what size of an animal you’re comparing. A mouse might take 12 seconds to get its relatively small amount of feces out, and a whale would take just as long because it is able to expel higher volume of waste at a faster rate. Maybe we’re not so different after all.

And to the women thinking, “Then why does my husband spend an hour in the bathroom?” It’s because he’s trying to avoid a woman in life so controlling that she times how long he’s on the can.

To boldly go where no one has gone before

We're proposing the twenty-turd century solution: beaming it directly from the colon and bladder into President-elect Trump's gold toilet.
We’re proposing the twenty-turd century solution: beaming it directly from the colon and bladder into President-elect Trump’s gold toilet.

The history of human space exploration is a saga of ingenuity, of smart men and women solving problems based on a limited understanding of the unknown with only a handful of observations and a lot of math. And yet, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration was forced to admit that it still hasn’t potty trained your average spacewalker. That, when we send our best and brightest up into the yonder to reach out and touch the face of god, it’s often with a fully loaded adult diaper.

So, if you can think of a better way to either store or dispose of 2.5 ounces of sh*t and a liter of piss every day for 6 days, then you clearly have the right stuff. It must work in an airtight escape suit, work hands-free and not sacrifice the astronaut’s air supply — either the actual air they breathe or Air Supply’s “All Out of Love” that plays on a constant loop in every space helmet.

Part of the issue is that NASA has been holding this problem in for way too long, and  they’re getting ready to take a very long trip to Mars. Diapers have worked for now in low Earth orbit, mostly because home and a new pair of pants has always been less than a day away. But, the further away you get, the longer astronauts may have to spend in spacesuits should, say, life support go offline.

NASA will give the winner up to (no sh*t) turdy-thousand dollars for their design. There’s apparently no prize for number two, though.

San Francisco will host Super Bowel

The NFL season is almost here, and unless you’re a Washington Redskins fan, your team has a chance of going all the way this year. But you may not want them to get to the Super Bowl in San Francisco.

The city is in the midst of a poop wave. According to reports, the cool new thing to do in Frisco is public defecation. There’s human crap everywhere in the city, and that problem will only get worse with the influx of football fans when the Super Bowl rolls around. City officials are trying to figure out how to deal with the crap problem.

The Guys would suggest adding more public toilets. You can’t expect all those foodies to enjoy the local restaurants without anticipating the inevitable consequences.

Here’s some crap you missed while we were out

We’re back after taking a week off, so there’s a lot to catch up on. You’re in luck if you’re hankering for some poop news, specifically, Nordic poop news.

In Norway, authorities are searching for a serial pooper. For a decade, the Stavanger Golf Club has found human feces and used toilet paper on certain holes. All they know is that the person rides a bike, because of tracks in the dew on the course, and that it’s a man. How could they know that?

“We know it is a man because the poos are too massive to be from a woman.”

Let’s move on to Iceland. A national park with an unpronounceable name has long suffered from a lack of public toilets. Unfortunately it had led to public defecation. Worst of all, most of the pooping seems to be going on in a church yard where some famous poets are buried. Yet another reason not to go into poetry.

Science wants to buy your poop

Are you looking to make some extra money? Perhaps you should consider selling your poop to science.

Researchers in Massachusetts are offering up to $13,000 a year to healthy people for fecal samples. By “healthy,” that probably means if you read this blog, you don’t qualify. No one wants your crap after a night of slamming beers and eating hot wings with your buddies. However, you may qualify for a fecal injection. Doctors can put someone else’s poop into your intestines, transplanting all of the healthy bacteria, too.

Or if you’re looking to boost your immunity in other ways, you could just inject yourself with some alligator blood.

New trend among disgustingly rich: drinking poop water

Bill Gates changed the word 30 years ago, but that got boring. So he’s been doing a lot of humanitarian stuff. But like anything, that gets boring if you do it long enough. Gates needed a new challenge.

He needed to do something only the super-rich could afford to do. Something off the wall and headline grabbing. Something that other rich people will soon emulate. So he chose drinking poop water.

Four people, one train

Perhaps you’re the type of person that thinks Massachusetts is a state full of cleanliness. Perhaps you have the generalization that Massachusetts is nothing but prim and proper, because of all of those uptight white people. Maybe you even you think that Massachusetts, Boston notwithstanding, is full of people who know what the rules are and aren’t afraid to not break them.

You’d be wrong.

Here’s a life lesson, and though you may be only hearing it for the first time ever, go through life clinging tight to the phrase: nobody wants a person’s luggage on the caboose.

Draining the monster causes drain of reservoir

Portland would rather waste a precious resource than be honest with people.

On Wednesday, a teenager broke into one of the city’s reservoirs and peed in it, because it’s kind of funny. He was caught on security camera, and the city’s water bureau announced it will dump all 38 million gallons of drinking water in the reservoir because it would never “purposely serve tainted H2O to the public.”

The definition of “tainted” seems to be a little off, here. On a heavy day, an adult will pee roughly half a gallon in one day–mind you, that’s not all at once, unless you’re really been holding it. But let’s just say this kid killed a lot of beer, that would mean if you took a glass of water from the reservoir, it would be one-76 millionth pee. You can’t even spill that small of an amount. Your local beach has more pee in it.

This also assumes that this reservoir is located in a magical place where birds and other animals never pee or poop, because that would mean the Portland Water Bureau was purposely serving “tainted” water. Folks, no matter where you live, there is pee in the water you use to drink, cook and bathe. We recommend drinking beer instead. The hipsters in Portland drink piss water, anyway.