We call pandas#@t on those numbers

It’s been 10 years, and you all know what that means: it’s time for another panda census in China. Just like here in the U.S., certain elements are afraid to comply with the once-a-decade count, even if an undercount could mean a drop in state support for panda services.

So, what is the Chinese government to do? Does a bear crap in the woods? Unfortunately for paranoid pandas, yes, they do. And China’s gonna count your turds.

In Other News: Anti-census crusader Michelle Bachmann wants you to know that she is not a flake, just a serial killer.

Future Friday!

Ladies and gentlemen, it took 10 years and careful pronunciation of this year, but it is finally here: the future, today.

Radioactive Mutant Animals!

After drinking water at a demolished nuclear weapons lab, a killer radioactive mutant rabbit went bonkers in Washington state! And what do radioactive rabbits do? They poop. Everywhere.

Officials are still tracking down the bunny’s highly dangerous fallout.


No, seriously: jetpacks. Jetpacks with Buzz Lightyear wings.

It may be a Swiss jetpack, but it’s a goddamn jetpack.

Boner Recall!

We’re not sure if there’s a porno based on Total Recall that goes by this title, but there should be.

Otherwise, it’s just a recall of erection pills, and that’s just dystopian.

Take it from Snee: Be very afraid

When I read that a dead body had been found in one of the Los Angeles International Airports’ bathrooms, I said, “Thank God.”

What? That’s not good news? How do you figure?

I didn’t hear any of what you just said because this is text on your computer screen, but I will tell you why I feel better knowing that there was a corpse in the bathroom of a heavily trafficked public area: he made it.

What I mean is that, when I die, my body will release whatever waste is inside of it. I always figured that meant I was guaranteed to soil my pants, bed or coat closet. But, this guy made it to the bathroom before it could happen. I could make it too.

So, that’s one fear allayed of many. Let’s take a look at some of the others. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Be very afraid

Lady sailors make perfect seamen

It’s hard to believe, but the U.S. Navy’s been using submarines for over 100 years, and they just now thought to put women in them.

It took this long because some people have always thought that it’s not a good idea, especially because of “hot bunking,” where sailors sleep in the same bed in shifts to save space and because the subs have to be manned 24 hours, anyway.

But, this is a prime example of why submarines need women: the “hot” bunks will smell better. It’s either station women on subs or stock the showers with Herbal Essences.

And not just the bunks, either, because we’re also talking about recycled air here. Everyone knows women don’t fart, and their poops are modest and have no more odor than freshly baked crescent rolls. They sweat less and, if folded correctly, take up less space than an Ab-Lounger, which is important in a sub’s cramped insides.

(Speaking of conditions women handle better than men: cramped insides.)

Basically, women make the perfect seamen, especially underwater.

Puppy survives flushing, we’re all dead

Run for the hills! The puppies have somehow gained the ability to survive being drowned at high velocities!

A puppy somehow managed to survive being trapped in pipes for 4 hours after a preschooler decided to wash the dog in what was probably the only serviceable area-the toilet. It’s a common mistake and happens all the time. It then had the nerve to live long enough to be saved-and covered in poop.

Ew. And they kept him? Double ew. No one should have a poopy puppy.

March of the Poop-guins

Did you see what I did there? Oh my, aren’t I so clever! I’m probably the smartest person in world!

Okay, well, if I’m not, then I’m at least in the running to be smarter than a bunch of scientists from Jolly Ol’ Blighty that used a high-powered satellite to track down the fecal matter of Emperor penguins.

“This is a very exciting development. Now we know exactly where the penguins are, the next step will be to count each colony so we can get a much better picture of population size,” said penguin ecologist Phil Trathan.

Exciting development? More like crappy development, am I right guys? Huh? Huh?!

Take it from Snee: Communication’s gone to s#*t

20,000 B.C.

I am alarmed by the cries of my kinsman, Ook, and seek him out. I find him behind a large stone some paces away from our lean-to: a temporary lodging made of sticks, leaves and hides that we use on longer hunting trips.

There Ook is squatting above the ground, making his morning constitutional. I steel myself, expecting to apply suction to a poisonous snake wound or kill a stalking saber tooth cat.

Ook makes a strange sound: “Look.”

I cock my head sideways and scratch my armpit to signal that I do not understand.

Ook makes the same sound again, this time pointing down. “Look.” He then adds more strange utterances: “Look what I make.”

He perceives that I still don’t understand and stands up, pointing down at a semi-swirled pile of feces. “Poop,” he says as he points to it. “I make poop. You see.”

I realize that Ook has started using language and has chosen to demonstrate this by calling me during his “brown time.” Continue reading Take it from Snee: Communication’s gone to s#*t

Great, now they’re using weapons

If you read this blog at all, you know the one simple truth: animals are everywhere and they are out to get us. But you’re smart, you come here for the latest updates. We help you face the danger others choose to ignore so they can sleep at night. We’re like your own person Jack Bauer.

If you ever find yourself in Sweden, don’t go to the Furuvik Zoo–unless you’re armed. That’s where the Swedes are keeping Santino the chimpanzee. Like any other chimp, Santino is dangerous as hell and has no regard for human life. But he takes it a step eviler.

Santino plots when he’s had enough of tourists. So he piles up some rocks and waits for just the right time. When the time comes, he launches the rocks at unsuspecting tourists, sometimes hitting them. Why does he do this? You can only fling poop so far.

Dropping a deuce may cost you more than a few pennies

We here at SG find bowel movements hillarious. Even the sounds that accompany them make for the best comedy. We also believe in your right to release those movements at any given time.

We all know that everybody poops, but according to Ryanair, everybody may no longer be pooping for free. The British airliner may start charging people who use the latrine for more than the mile-high club. So now when you come out and say you lost a few pounds, you may actually mean it.