Tag: Poop

Holy crap! Another sh*tty runner?

The law doesn’t care how many “26.2” stickers you have on your car: keep it in your pants, runners.

Back in September, we reported on Colorado Springs’ Mad Pooper, a runner who defecated in public on a frequent basis during her jogs. Nobody caught her, although she apparently stopped after making the news.

BUT! Police did catch a different defecathlete in New Jersey. We call him: the Pooperintendent.

Police and staff at Holmdel High School caught the Superintendent (eh?) of a neighboring school, Thomas Tramaglini, allegedly brown-handed after finding poop daily on their track. We have no word whether Holmdel track coaches included his pinch times during laps.

He has been charged with lewdness and, hilariously, littering. So, let that be a warning, fellow runners: give a flip, don’t take a sh*t.

Kim Jong Un is bringing his own toilet to peace talks

The leaders of North and South Korea are meeting at a summit this week, and that’s pretty historic. But what’s also historic is that Kim Jong Un will only poop in his own toilet brought from home.

Kim and company brought along a special toilet for the North Korean leader alone to make a No. 2, and it’s all about national security. The North Koreans don’t want Western spies getting their hands on Kim’s crap because it could reveal medical and dietary information, sources say.

The toilet will be in a vehicle that is part of Kim’s convoy. So basically, during the peace talks between the two Koreas, at some point Kim is going to get up from the table, walk to his convoy, get in a car, and, we’re guessing, spend a good 45 minutes in it.

Study: There’s poop on your clothes

If you’re the type of person who likes to go to a store and try on clothes before buying them, rather than just purchasing them online, the dying retail industry thanks you. But you should also know that you’re wearing some nasty germs.

Researchers have found that a lot of garments in stores have some nasty stuff on them. Because people touch them, try them on, and put them back, these things just sit there growing bacteria and viruses on them — even fecal remnants. You don’t even have to buy the garments, just by touching them, you pick up all of that stuff on your hands. And it sits there waiting for you to touch your eye, or your nose, or to eat something.

Worst of all, if you wear the clothes without washing them first, it’s all over you. And that’s our excuse for not going shopping with our significant others.

We call pandas#@t on those numbers

It’s been 10 years, and you all know what that means: it’s time for another panda census in China. Just like here in the U.S., certain elements are afraid to comply with the once-a-decade count, even if an undercount could mean a drop in state support for panda services.

So, what is the Chinese government to do? Does a bear crap in the woods? Unfortunately for paranoid pandas, yes, they do. And China’s gonna count your turds.

In Other News: Anti-census crusader Michelle Bachmann wants you to know that she is not a flake, just a serial killer.

Future Friday!

Ladies and gentlemen, it took 10 years and careful pronunciation of this year, but it is finally here: the future, today.

Radioactive Mutant Animals!

After drinking water at a demolished nuclear weapons lab, a killer radioactive mutant rabbit went bonkers in Washington state! And what do radioactive rabbits do? They poop. Everywhere.

Officials are still tracking down the bunny’s highly dangerous fallout.

Jetpacks!

No, seriously: jetpacks. Jetpacks with Buzz Lightyear wings.

It may be a Swiss jetpack, but it’s a goddamn jetpack.

Boner Recall!

We’re not sure if there’s a porno based on Total Recall that goes by this title, but there should be.

Otherwise, it’s just a recall of erection pills, and that’s just dystopian.

Take it from Snee: Be very afraid

When I read that a dead body had been found in one of the Los Angeles International Airports’ bathrooms, I said, “Thank God.”

What? That’s not good news? How do you figure?

I didn’t hear any of what you just said because this is text on your computer screen, but I will tell you why I feel better knowing that there was a corpse in the bathroom of a heavily trafficked public area: he made it.

What I mean is that, when I die, my body will release whatever waste is inside of it. I always figured that meant I was guaranteed to soil my pants, bed or coat closet. But, this guy made it to the bathroom before it could happen. I could make it too.

So, that’s one fear allayed of many. Let’s take a look at some of the others. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Be very afraid

Lady sailors make perfect seamen

It’s hard to believe, but the U.S. Navy’s been using submarines for over 100 years, and they just now thought to put women in them.

It took this long because some people have always thought that it’s not a good idea, especially because of “hot bunking,” where sailors sleep in the same bed in shifts to save space and because the subs have to be manned 24 hours, anyway.

But, this is a prime example of why submarines need women: the “hot” bunks will smell better. It’s either station women on subs or stock the showers with Herbal Essences.

And not just the bunks, either, because we’re also talking about recycled air here. Everyone knows women don’t fart, and their poops are modest and have no more odor than freshly baked crescent rolls. They sweat less and, if folded correctly, take up less space than an Ab-Lounger, which is important in a sub’s cramped insides.

(Speaking of conditions women handle better than men: cramped insides.)

Basically, women make the perfect seamen, especially underwater.

Puppy survives flushing, we’re all dead

Run for the hills! The puppies have somehow gained the ability to survive being drowned at high velocities!

A puppy somehow managed to survive being trapped in pipes for 4 hours after a preschooler decided to wash the dog in what was probably the only serviceable area-the toilet. It’s a common mistake and happens all the time. It then had the nerve to live long enough to be saved-and covered in poop.

Ew. And they kept him? Double ew. No one should have a poopy puppy.

March of the Poop-guins

Did you see what I did there? Oh my, aren’t I so clever! I’m probably the smartest person in world!

Okay, well, if I’m not, then I’m at least in the running to be smarter than a bunch of scientists from Jolly Ol’ Blighty that used a high-powered satellite to track down the fecal matter of Emperor penguins.

“This is a very exciting development. Now we know exactly where the penguins are, the next step will be to count each colony so we can get a much better picture of population size,” said penguin ecologist Phil Trathan.

Exciting development? More like crappy development, am I right guys? Huh? Huh?!