We’ll be holy see-ing you

Pope Benedict XVI is only the second pope in history to hand over his ruby loafers without being crushed by a house first.
Pope Benedict XVI is only the second pope in history to hand over his ruby loafers without being first crushed by a house.

This Wednesday marks Pope Benedict XVI’s last day on the job. The Guys are taking this a little personally, especially when you consider that we never expected to cover a pontiff’s entire term on a Web site.

But, we’re not the only ones experiencing loss. The outgoing Pope will lose his house, Latin decoder ring, fancy red shoes and his current title. He will, however, become our Pope Emeritus, which in a patriarchal faith like Catholicism means that we’ll have a new Pope and our old Pope that we have to spend every other weekend with at his new, less furnished apartment. (This is why Catholicism frowns on divorce and living ex-popes.)

The important thing here is to not think of this as the end, but as a new beginning. Plus: dude, two Christmases!

Take a stroll down memory lane with the four biggest Benedictheads: Continue reading We’ll be holy see-ing you

The McBournie Minute: Candidates for the next pope

Take this job and shove it. Pope Benedict XVI didn’t exactly quote Johnny Paycheck, but that’s the gist of it. The pope is resigning from his job, one that you typically only leave when they carry you out in a casket. But, citing ill health, the soon-to-be former Pope Benedict announced he was stepping down, which is apparently something you can do. It’s like being on the U.S. Supreme Court, only with fewer pro-lifers protesting outside your building.

The world hasn’t seen the resignation of a pope since Gregory XII in 1415, but that was under completely different circumstances. At that time, there were three different claimants to the papal hat, and three different sets of cardinals that elected them. Gregory’s resignation helped to end the Western Schism, which is likely also the name of a band that opened for Radiohead. This time, the pope, 85, just wants to live out the rest of his days without all the robes.

Benedict’s resignation means that we will have a new pope by Easter. Who will be the next pope? Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Candidates for the next pope

Pope Benedict CXL characters

You'll have to excuse His Holiness being a few years behind memes when posting pics of his new ride.
You’ll have to excuse His Holiness being a few years behind memes when posting pics of his new ride.

Pope Benedict XVI launched his official Twitter account, @Pontifex, today and used his first tweet to bless everyone. It was a good start for the pontiff, but papal analysts believe tomorrow’s tweets will be along the lines of, “Not really sure what Twitter is for,” followed by participation in hashtag games like #biblequoteswithfood and #S–tOurFatherSays.

The account will remain active until either His Holiness dies and the Cardinals elect an even older new pope … or when he accidentally tweets a picture of his penis that was supposed to be a direct message to one lucky follower.

Grah! Photoshop smash!

Veritable institutions like the Vatican and the White House are on their toes today because Benetton, an Italian clothing retailer, photoshopped pictures of their leaders kissing their “enemies.”

The Vatican threatened legal action, while Head American Catholic Blogger Bill Donohue blogged some, over a picture of Pope Benedict XVI kissing Imam Ahmed Mohamed el Tayeb. Meanwhile, the White House endured some stupid questions in the press room, this time over the picture of President Obama kissing Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.

All in all, Benetton’s “Unhate” campaign has been a success. They’ve only had to pull the picture of the pope, and everyone else has helped make sure we all know the-damn-well who they are. And all it cost was about $200 for a Photoshop license.

They learned it by watching you! (Communion, that is)

Things did not go well for a group of evangelical Protestants in Germany who wanted to share Communion with Pope Benedict XVI.

The Pope — who is currently visiting the home of the guy who pretty much started that whole Protestantism-hoopla in the first place — declined, saying there are still too many differences between the two. Like, how one group thinks that Martin Luther had some pretty interesting ideas, while the other still refuses to give back the security deposit over nail holes in their church’s door.

No pope for atheists!

If you thought the Pope was like the Dalai Lama where he loves everyone, think again! The Pope loves only two kinds of people: Catholics and Catholics that can keep a secret.

During his visit to the United Kingdom, Pope Benedict XVI gave a speech at Holyroodhouse, Edinburgh in which he warned the Queen about how “atheist extremism” leads to “a reductive vision of a person and his destiny” and, ultimately, Nazis.

Yes, the Pope Godwin’d his argument against atheism.

Atheists, of course, are outraged that the perceived voice of a God that does not exist would say such things about them. Oh well.

Take it from Snee: America steps it up

Some people out there would balk at a plan to burn a heap of Korans on September 11. Not I. I don’t know how to balk. I once thought I balked, but everyone agreed that it was nothing like a balk and I most likely mistook caulking for the act I intended.

The point is: desecrating the holy scripture of the guys we’re too afraid to put in regular prison isn’t just OK; it’s the greatest idea that anyone–much less a Floridian—could ever think up. (Seriously, did Terry Jones hire a consultant?)

It is high time that a small group of Americans act on behalf of all of us and stick it to some non-believers. Hit the jump, and let’s light this trashcan full of Good News. Continue reading Take it from Snee: America steps it up

Rise, my cake

Chancellor Palpatine Emperor Palpatine Pope Benedict XVI recently turned a whopping 83 years old. At his birthday party, he was given a large cake and had “Happy Birthday” sung to him in English. Because, you know, the Catholic Church has never had issues with small children and Benedict has never had any possible ties to the German Nazi party or movement. Never.

We can only assume that each candle (all 83 of them) had a tip that resembled a Pope hat. Because that makes us smile.

In other food related news, a hub-bub has been stirred up regarding the irony of KFC’s recent healthy focus campaign for the Susan G. Komen foundation and their release of the Double Down. And yet, there’s another hub-bub that they might want to focus on also. Oh, and SHAMELESS PLUG IS SHAMELESS

Love, love them don’t

The Vatican posted a new set of rules on its Web site today for how to handle pedophile cases. Apparently, the rule now is to report them to the police.

The quick response–a mere two weeks after reports started turning up in the news concerning Pope Benedict’s wild and heady days as a young archbishop–stunned critics as the Church normally embraces new ideas, like our heliocentric solar system, once every 500 years.

And just to drive the point home about forgiveness, the Vatican followed up this announcement with another one forgiving The Beatles.

Take it from Snee: And go cry home to mama

Look at that: she can't even grow that middle part of her mustache.I normally stay out of the affairs of other countries, especially when it concerns cultural taboos. I mean, I live in a state where it’s illegal to see a stripper’s vagina … unless I take her home. (The industry refers to this as a “to-go box.”) And even when I get her there, I have to churn it all Amish-style, because vibrators are contraband. So, who am I to talk, right?

But, every now and then, one of the hundred or so non-American nations out takes a stance so ludicrous that I have to take notice.

Iran–surprise, surprise–arrested several college students who were protesting their current government. All in all, it’s a normal day at the University of Couscous Online, except that, according to police, these students tore up and burned pictures of current Ayatollah Khamenei and founding Ayatollah Khomeini.

Why would I care? It’s not like I turned my Twitter avatar green or scan Fox News for any excuse to invade Middle Eastern countries. However, I, too, have a little history with “graven images.”

There’s something I learned not too long ago: pictures aren’t real. The camera doesn’t steal your soul, and Back to the Future is impossible. (Not because it’s a movie, but because the paradox that time travel creates makes fourth dimensional regression physically difficult.)

So, if someone attaches that much importance to any picture, they’re retarded. And if they attach that importance to a picture of themselves, then you could drown them with a mirror at the bottom of a pool.

It is with these people in mind that I present the following gallery: You’re an Idiot, Now Go Cry Home to Mama. Continue reading Take it from Snee: And go cry home to mama