Tag: Pope Benedict XVI

‘V’ actually stands for ‘Vatican’

The Catholic Church is looking into the possibility of life on other planets and how it could impact their understanding of God.

Pope Benedict XVI must have just read Chariots of Fire or something, because this isn’t really a new concept. While very little about aliens is mentioned in the Bible, this could help explain some of the more supernatural happenings. Perhaps instead of looking for angels, we should be looking for evidence of Biblical alien abductions.

As for the probings, well you can just investigate that one on your own.

God is on our side?

As a Catholic, this is scary to think about, but the evidence is there just the same: the pope is in league with the animals!

At a speech in Prague, Pope Benedict XVI had a spider crawling on him. It crawled all the way up the Holy Father’s robe and even on to his neck. Allegedly, the pope brushed the spider off, but it was seen riding on his robe as he left a historic church where the speech was made.

Just remember, all you Christians who believe that we shouldn’t hurt animals: God gave us dominion over the animals, and the only reason we’re here and not in Paradise in the first place is because of a snake (well, and a gullible woman).

Things went so well last time Pope ran commerce

Possible Slogan: You can't misspell 'euthanasia' without 'youth!'Pope Benedict XVI, a man chosen by God to sit on a golden throne in a palace that makes up its own city that is full of locked-away treasures, is asking business people of the world to ask themselves, “WWJD?”

The Pope calls entrepenuers’ and financiers’ morality into question in his latest encyclical, which is kind of like a homemade newspaper, only translated into Latin when it’s rolled out.

Among the practices he abhors are outsourcing (corporate missionary work), abusing natural resources (tending the plants and animals) and–of course–stem cell research, abortion and euthanasia.

So much for our chain of one-stop fetus- and elderly-killing stations. It doesn’t matter if we unionize (which he did support); Pope still says it’s wrong.

You Missed It: Unofficial beginning of summer edition

I know you’re not reading this. You, just like everyone else, have already left the office, packed up the ol’ station wagon and headed out for your Memorial Day Weekend adventure. You probably won’t even read this until we’re back on Tuesday. I don’t care. It’s my job to write these things, and I know you’re going to miss this all weekend. If you were busy chasing down historical artifacts that come to life at night, odds are you missed it.

When you think ‘hip’ you think of the Vatican
Pope Benedict XVI wants to be your friend. Well, not really, he’s got plenty already. They’re called followers, and not the Twitter kind. But the pope is trying to save your soul with a new Facebook app. Our cool pope even has an iPhone app with the latest pope-related news, a YouTube channel, and a Catholic wiki. Just in time for World Communications day, His Holiness launched a website Pope2you.com (where “Pope” is capitalized, but “you” aren’t). The Facebook app lets you keep in touch with the Holy See through the wonders of social networking. Now Pope Benedict can send you messages like “I know what site you’re planning on going to after this. See you in confession tomorrow.”

Helps make sure they still have the Right Stuff
Sure, Atlantis may have been grabbing the headlines last week, but the crew of the International Space Station is laying the headline smackdown this week. Fixing space telescopes? Please. These astronauts get to drink recycled water that came from their own pee. (Wait–what?!) Every six hours, an astronaut produces about a gallon of water from their urine. It gets recycled and purified and presto! Good to drink again. There was a time when I wanted to be an astronaut. Today, I am pleased that that dream never came true.

Also, Count Duckula’s new album drops next Tuesday
Danger Mouse (the DJ in Gnarles Barkley, not the eyepatch-sporting cartoon) has made a career out of doing strange things. First, he mashed up the Beatles with Jay-Z, then he produced that horrible Gorillaz album. Now, he’s dropping a new album. There’s just one thing, the album is not on the CD being sold. Sure, you get the case, insert, all that good stuff, but the CD is blank. In fact, it’s a CD-R. Danger Mouse wants you to buy his album, then illegally download it, burn it to the CD, then enjoy. Because, you know, that makes way more sense than just illegally downloading it and put it on your iPod.

The audacity of Pope

Is it just us, or does the Pope cover some dated issues?

What did he talk about in the Middle East today? The Holocaust and the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.

Other times? Birth control, abortion and masturbation. Oh, and don’t get us started on the old man’s stories about Jesus. (How many times can you hear about the same three miracles, anyway?)

Weren’t these topics already settled in 1970s and 1980s ABC After-School Specials, and more grippingly than an old German guy speaking Latin?

We want some new insights, Your Holiness. What do you think about Twitter? Or universal health care? How bad did you think Wolverine was? Get some new material, old man.

Take it from Snee: Denying denials of Holocaust-deniers

Man, World War II. It seems like it ended just yesterday, you know? Between every movie using the Nazis as villains to every moral argument reducing to the Nazis, it’s almost like we’re still fighting them today.

Of course, there aren’t any real Nazis anymore. Sure, there are skinheads and neo-Nazis, but these are not your great-grandfather’s Wehrmacht.

No, there’s only one type of actual Nazi left: the one trapped in our brains that we just won’t let die.

Americans were one of the last countries to enter World War II, so maybe we just didn’t get our fill of killing them. Or perhaps the post-war Holocaust footage was so horrible that we feel like we didn’t kill them enough. Either way, without any actual Nazis left, we continue to fight the idea of the Nazi and anyone who considers them almost human is now a Nazi by proxy. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Denying denials of Holocaust-deniers

You Missed It: Who would Jesus endorse? edition

We meet again, dear reader. Did you make it through the work week? Well, technically you haven’t yet. There are still several more hours left before you are free. You must continue to sit in your chair at your desk and watch as the seconds slowly … tick… by.

But wait! Here’s an idea: what if we provided some sort of reading material for you in hopes of getting you through this rough patch. Until then, this will have to do. If you were busy baptizing the dead Jews, odds are you missed it.

My name is Jesus Christ, and I approve this message
In Greenville, North Carolina, a Catholic priest is calling a vote for Obama a mortal sin. Rev. Jay Scott Newman is denying communion to any parishioners who voted for Obama in the recent election because he is a pro-choice candidate. Before he could answer questions about Joe Biden becoming the first Catholic vice president, the priest shooed everyone away because it was time for him to show the altar boys how to take a poll.

It’s only called a bailout if the ship is sinking
President George Bush and President-elect Barack Obama met this week to discuss things like the transition, the war on terrorism, the economy and the art of posing for a photo-op. Obama also pushed for a bailout of the U.S. auto industry, because GM is teetering and Ford and Chrysler are bleeding money like the slowest in the herd when the lions are on the hunt. They did not seem to agree on this issue. So it is our sage advice that you invest in imported car companies.

To the Williams-mobile, Robin!
Former Washington, D.C. Mayor Anthony Williams has only been out of office for less than a year. However, he has not given up serving the city. This week Williams, 57, was walking to his office when he saw someone grab a package containing computer parts from a UPS truck. The delivery man yelled at him. Wasting no time, Williams sprinted after the man shouting at him. When the thief saw it was the former mayor, he handed over the box and ran off. Yes, that is a true story.

(Image by Michael Ian Weinfield via ANIMAL)

Kermit died for your sins

The Catholic Church has officially taken a side in the War on Animals: they are against us.

Pope Benedict XVI asked that a piece of artwork depicting a frog being crucified be taken down because it is blasphemous. Oh really, Benedict (if that is your real name)? Since when is torturing the enemy not allowed in the Catholic Church?

It is this blog’s opinion that we need symbols like this to strike fear into the hearts of our enemies. Remember, God gave us domain over the animals, and they are trying to unseat us from that power, which surely makes them beasts of the devil. Does it not?

What is the pope thinking?

Apparently, Pope Benedict XVI has left Washington, because he was spotted in Australia for a massive Roman Catholic festival called “World Youth Day.” However, it is not the fact that anyone celebrates kids that is shocking, it is the pope’s actions, which had little to do with the youth of the world.

Hold on to your butts: Pope Benedict met with a koala. Not much is known about what the pope and the beast talked about, perhaps the Holy Father is trying to enter peace talks circumventing the traditional authorities, or perhaps he was trying to broker a cease fire. Nevertheless, the pope’s actions are bordering on treason in the War on Animals. This is just the latest attempt of Big Religion to get involved in the ongoing strife.

Fun fact: The pope sends texts messages like a middle school girl, albeit a very devout one.

Pilgrims also received a second mobile phone text message from Benedict: “The Holy Spirit gave the Apostles and gives u the power boldly 2 proclaim that Christ is risen! – BXVI.”

You Missed It: Blame it on the grain edition

It’s Friday afternoon once again. For those of you who are out enjoying the nice weather in most parts of the country–well, you are not reading this anyway, so we will just stop right there.

Grain Price Riots
Earlier this week, the price of most grains skyrocketed because of scarcity and other grain-related reasons. Riots broke out among the hungry in many third world countries, most notably Haiti. The panic was beginning to hit the American South when it was finally realized the grain shortage would not affect the price of grain alcohol.

Pope Visits D.C.
This week, Pope Benedict XVI made his first trip to the U.S., starting off with a three-day tour of Washington, D.C., part of which was his birthday. The 81-year-old virgin celebrated a Mass en masse at the brand new Nationals Park, home of the Washington Nationals. The Pope was lauded for his big entrance when warm up music started playing and the announcer came on: “And now, the right-hander hailing from Vatican City, number 16 in your programs but number one in the Church, His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI!”

Long Baseball Game
The Colorado Rockies may have worn out their welcome as the San Diego Padres hosted them for a night game April 17. The game ended up lasting 22 innings, falling four innings shy of a league record. The game ended after 3 a.m. local time on April 18. Many players complained that their drug dealers were already in bed at that hour.

‘Sims’ Hits Milestone
Video game The Sims hit 100 million sales this week, the milestone being hailed by critics as a sign of the franchise’s endurance in the gaming world. The critics then ducked their heads back down again to continue beefing up their World of Warcraft characters for battle.