Francis I: A New Pope

Were the Italians trying to kill Pope Francis by flooding the Vatican with smoking, knowing that he only has one lung?
Were the Italians trying to kill Pope Francis by flooding the Vatican with smoke, knowing that he only has one lung?

The conclave is over and Catholics have a new pope: Argentinian Jorge Bergoglio, now known by Francis I — shut up, guys. Francis is totally a guy’s name.

Now that Pope Benedict XVI has been replaced, the Guys want to assure Pope Francis that Ben was just our practice pope. We were younger when that guy got elected. You probably wouldn’t have even liked us back then, when we’d basically make fun of any dude in a white robe and red shoes.

So, yes, we’re glad he was elected … unlike those pesky Italians who congratulated God for electing Italian Cardinal Angelo Scola of Milan at the first sign of white smoke. Good thing Frank is of Italian descent  and from the most European country in South America, otherwise he might have something to worry about.

Let’s just say the Romans get a little stabby when leadership doesn’t go their way, especially around mid-March.

We’ll be holy see-ing you

Pope Benedict XVI is only the second pope in history to hand over his ruby loafers without being crushed by a house first.
Pope Benedict XVI is only the second pope in history to hand over his ruby loafers without being first crushed by a house.

This Wednesday marks Pope Benedict XVI’s last day on the job. The Guys are taking this a little personally, especially when you consider that we never expected to cover a pontiff’s entire term on a Web site.

But, we’re not the only ones experiencing loss. The outgoing Pope will lose his house, Latin decoder ring, fancy red shoes and his current title. He will, however, become our Pope Emeritus, which in a patriarchal faith like Catholicism means that we’ll have a new Pope and our old Pope that we have to spend every other weekend with at his new, less furnished apartment. (This is why Catholicism frowns on divorce and living ex-popes.)

The important thing here is to not think of this as the end, but as a new beginning. Plus: dude, two Christmases!

Take a stroll down memory lane with the four biggest Benedictheads: Continue reading We’ll be holy see-ing you

Pope Benedict CXL characters

You'll have to excuse His Holiness being a few years behind memes when posting pics of his new ride.
You’ll have to excuse His Holiness being a few years behind memes when posting pics of his new ride.

Pope Benedict XVI launched his official Twitter account, @Pontifex, today and used his first tweet to bless everyone. It was a good start for the pontiff, but papal analysts believe tomorrow’s tweets will be along the lines of, “Not really sure what Twitter is for,” followed by participation in hashtag games like #biblequoteswithfood and #S–tOurFatherSays.

The account will remain active until either His Holiness dies and the Cardinals elect an even older new pope … or when he accidentally tweets a picture of his penis that was supposed to be a direct message to one lucky follower.

Grah! Photoshop smash!

Veritable institutions like the Vatican and the White House are on their toes today because Benetton, an Italian clothing retailer, photoshopped pictures of their leaders kissing their “enemies.”

The Vatican threatened legal action, while Head American Catholic Blogger Bill Donohue blogged some, over a picture of Pope Benedict XVI kissing Imam Ahmed Mohamed el Tayeb. Meanwhile, the White House endured some stupid questions in the press room, this time over the picture of President Obama kissing Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.

All in all, Benetton’s “Unhate” campaign has been a success. They’ve only had to pull the picture of the pope, and everyone else has helped make sure we all know the-damn-well who they are. And all it cost was about $200 for a Photoshop license.

They learned it by watching you! (Communion, that is)

Things did not go well for a group of evangelical Protestants in Germany who wanted to share Communion with Pope Benedict XVI.

The Pope — who is currently visiting the home of the guy who pretty much started that whole Protestantism-hoopla in the first place — declined, saying there are still too many differences between the two. Like, how one group thinks that Martin Luther had some pretty interesting ideas, while the other still refuses to give back the security deposit over nail holes in their church’s door.

Help control the Catholic population

Have your cafeteria compatriots condom’d and condom’d up again.

That’s what Pope Benedict XVI said. But only if you’re attempting to stop the spread of AIDS, mind you. If you’re not attempting to stop the spread of AIDS, then keep those slim jims unfettered and unlocked, lest ye be culpable of mortal sin. Or something along those lines. Fear not of excommunication, Catholic prostitutes and carriers of Catholic gingivitis, aka, chlamydia.

You know what Pope Benedict XVI didn’t say? Anything in English.

No pope for atheists!

If you thought the Pope was like the Dalai Lama where he loves everyone, think again! The Pope loves only two kinds of people: Catholics and Catholics that can keep a secret.

During his visit to the United Kingdom, Pope Benedict XVI gave a speech at Holyroodhouse, Edinburgh in which he warned the Queen about how “atheist extremism” leads to “a reductive vision of a person and his destiny” and, ultimately, Nazis.

Yes, the Pope Godwin’d his argument against atheism.

Atheists, of course, are outraged that the perceived voice of a God that does not exist would say such things about them. Oh well.

Great, now the Internet’s unsafe for children

Pope Benedict XVI has asked Catholic ministers and priests to use the Internet to spread the gospel. Ben (and only we are allowed to call him that) cited the Church’s adoption of other media like books, television and weekly wine tastings as justification to moving online.

We can see a couple of flaws to this plan:

  1. The priests who are already Web savvy are also already on Chris Hansen’s watchlist.
  2. The priests who aren’t online will have trouble setting up blogs and Web sites since they never had children to do it for them. (This is also why the clergy doesn’t use DVRs and their clocks always read “88:88.”)

Still, we think His Holiness is on the right track and welcome him and his brethren to the ’90s.

God is on our side?

As a Catholic, this is scary to think about, but the evidence is there just the same: the pope is in league with the animals!

At a speech in Prague, Pope Benedict XVI had a spider crawling on him. It crawled all the way up the Holy Father’s robe and even on to his neck. Allegedly, the pope brushed the spider off, but it was seen riding on his robe as he left a historic church where the speech was made.

Just remember, all you Christians who believe that we shouldn’t hurt animals: God gave us dominion over the animals, and the only reason we’re here and not in Paradise in the first place is because of a snake (well, and a gullible woman).

Things went so well last time Pope ran commerce

Possible Slogan: You can't misspell 'euthanasia' without 'youth!'Pope Benedict XVI, a man chosen by God to sit on a golden throne in a palace that makes up its own city that is full of locked-away treasures, is asking business people of the world to ask themselves, “WWJD?”

The Pope calls entrepenuers’ and financiers’ morality into question in his latest encyclical, which is kind of like a homemade newspaper, only translated into Latin when it’s rolled out.

Among the practices he abhors are outsourcing (corporate missionary work), abusing natural resources (tending the plants and animals) and–of course–stem cell research, abortion and euthanasia.

So much for our chain of one-stop fetus- and elderly-killing stations. It doesn’t matter if we unionize (which he did support); Pope still says it’s wrong.