Tag: population

Take it from Snee: You’re one in seven billion

The U.N. estimated that as of Monday, October 31, the world population reached seven billion people. Throughout the world, scores of children have been crowned the seventh-billionth, which will only result in a Highlander-style Quickening until there is only one.

But, aside from that obvious conclusion, what does seven billion really mean? Do you feel any different than October 30 when there were only 6.9 billion people? Is seven billion even a lot? To put it into perspective: it’s estimated that there are 10 quintillion insects in the world, so that works out to 714,285,715 bugs in each work shoe you left outside.

So, is it possible that each of us is not even unique? That there are identical models of us running around, perhaps walking into a door frame in China the same way I did last night after getting my butt pinched? Continue reading Take it from Snee: You’re one in seven billion

There can be only one 7-billionth child

According the doctors from the Philippines’ Department of Health and Manila’s Jose Fabella Memorial Hospital, newborn Danica May Camacho is the 7-billionth existing human being on Earth.

But, not so fast with those congratulations.

Officials in Uttar Pradesh, India say they will be appointing seven 7-billionth girls. And you just know that China, Russia, Iran and the United States will each have their own 7-billionth children.

What’s the U.N. doing to control this brewing international pissing match, you ask? Nothing. They believe “it is impossible to pinpoint the arrival of the globe’s 7 billionth occupant,” so they’re allowing a series of symbolic children to be declared the 7-billionth.

To which we say that’s it’s all symbolic fun and games until all of the appointed 7-billionth children fight each other to the death until only one remains to win the prize.

Approaching our 7 billionth customer

... and will come out of the tunnel with 500 new babies.This may be news to some of you readers, but there are a lot of people getting it on in the world. Some of them, somewhere, are most likely doing it right now (and probably with your mom).

As a result of the more … industrious nations, the Population Reference Bureau predicts that we will welcome our 7 billionth SeriouslyGuys reader into the world by 2011. What kind of Web site will they see here in 2 years?

  • One they can’t understand, for one, as they will most likely be born in India or Uganda. Also, they will be less than a year old and our humor is at an eighth grade level of sophistication.
  • There will probably be less War on Animals articles because the growing human population will have eaten most of them.
  • And perhaps the most trustworthy news site on the Internet, considering how the others throw their hosting space away on colon-cleansing ads and what Sarah Palin said on her Facebook.

And if lucky number 7 billion is reading this in our archives, welcome! If you see us flying over your abject poverty on our jet packs, be sure to wave.

Amish plan to breed us out

In a move that must make abstinence-only education proponents proud, the Amish have boosted their human production by 130 percent over the past 16 years.

With their new numbers, they are now colonizing new states, including Arkansas, Colorado, Maine, Mississippi, Nebraska, Washington and West Virginia. If you live adjacent to any of these states, prepare to be invaded!

Should the Amishification of America continue unabated, mechanized construction equipment will become obsolete. Milk will be kind of yellowish. The barstools will be very nice. And a little thing called the Internet will become the exclusive playground of hedonisitic Europeans, Asians, Australians, Africans, South Americans, the rest of the North Americans and those weird Antarctagonists.

This blog, for one, welcomes our neckbearded overlords.