Tag: porn

SOS: Save Our Sex (films)!

OK, things were kind of bad before when the Big Three U.S. automakers almost shut down. Also, when our banks started to collapse, we got a little worried. To be honest, the idea of loans companies collapsing made us think of Fight Club, so we got distracted by … well, we’re not allowed talk about that.

But we are absolutely, pants-ruining (and not the good way … unless you’re into that) terrified now: the porn industry has asked for a bailout.

Pornographer Larry Flint (mad props, sir) and Douchebag Joe Francis have released a combined press statement that the industry is fine for now, but could go under at any moment in the current financial climate. This could be prevented by giving them $5 billion.

Imagine your life without porn:

  • Taking shorter lunch breaks at work.
  • Using your iPhone for phone calls.
  • Spending more time with your family instead of sending them off to Chuck E. Cheese without you.

Are you terrified now? Good!

Write your congressperson and make sure this necessary Stimulus Stimulus Package passes!

Forethought is the mother of accidental porn

Good idea: Keeping a hold on your phone, especially if you’re grabbing fast food and it has a camera on it. An Arkansas couple ended up as accidental porn-stars after losing a phone at McDonald’s. Now they want to end up as accidental millionaires.

Better idea: Just opt to not eat at McDonald’s.Ever.

Oh, it’s illegal? Good to know

Attention Tennessee college students: your state government would like to remind you that it is illegal to download copyrighted material without the permission of the owner. All that music and movies you’ve been stealing? Yeah, the state’s not gonna tolerate that kind of bamboozling any further.

And by the state not tolerating, they mean that your school is not gonna tolerate it and will install effective countermeasures on their networks to curb all illegal file transfers.

SG does not have the details on each school’s plan, but suggests you talk to the underpaid — with $600 semester book bills — student IT staff members who will be in charge of creating RIAA-friendly filters.

Side Note:
You know who never gets government protection from piracy? Porn. What’s up with that?

Joining the mile-high club vicariously

American Airlines has only been testing their new wi-fi Internet service on 15 flights a day, but the flight attendants union is already asking how they can tone down the porn.

Gee, if only they could have used the plane’s radar to see that one coming a mile away. I mean, with the Internet being at least 85 percent porn, 14 percent pictures of cats and 1 percent Myspace, did no one see this coming at all?

Out of the frying pan and into the foyer

Talk about a rough vacation: all the guests get food poisoning in the hotel restaurant, a family is accused of stealing towels when they try to check out, then security guards shoot a teenage girl in the face with a stun gun, leading to an all-out brawl by the front desk. On the bright side, the whole family did get to see the porn movie being filmed in the hotel lobby.

Hmmm. I guess Bulgaria isn’t so bad after all.

Ingenuity and creativity still no match for common sense

A man in Colorado has been trying to scam free porn by claiming to be from the police department’s “age verification unit” and demanding that a local sex shop give him DVDs to inspect. After all, he was the “porn inspector.” Did his plan follow or fall through? The suspense must be killing you, right?

Here’s a hint: the answer to the question rhymes with “they didn’t fall for it.”

Maybe he should go back to his day job at the porn bureau. Just hope that the guy flashed, at most, his badge.

You’re doing it wrong

A bunch of people who are no good at sex are claiming their replacement habits are better than “it.” Among the activities listed in the CNN article are:

  • Wearing sexy shoes
  • Hiking
  • Mountain climbing
  • Looking at a baby’s smile (pervert)
  • Receiving money or praise
  • Shopping
  • Public speaking
  • Fine dining

OK, so even if we’re gonna admit these things are really, really nice, there’s still one question: what if you’re having sex while doing all that stuff?

Porn has taught us one thing: it can’t be better than sex if you could improve it with sex. (Take that, skydiving!) (OR, take that skydiving.)

There’s some porn in my grill, dear Liza, dear Liza

You love your family. We know this, and it’s OK. We won’t make fun of you … too much.

We’ve seen what you’ve done to protect your family from the dangers of the world: installed a V-chip into all of the televisions, put multiple Net Nanny’s on the computer, searched under all of the mattresses and even behind the refrigerator for loose change and filthy magazines …

However, it’s the summer. That means one thing: grilling. Unfortunately, that little hibachi grill of yours just isn’t going to cut it anymore. So, you walk down to your local mega-mart store and buy yourself a new shiny grill. But, like the Death Bed, this innocent household item is multi-purpose. For, instead of picking up a regular grill, you have picked up Porn Grill: the grill that comes with porn!

Hypothetical situation … or real life?

If you answered the latter, then you are correct! This very act happened to a shocked couple in Florida. And at that wholesome Wal-Mart of all places! Zounds!

Yes, said shocked couple was shown the horrors of a foreign newspaper wrapped around the grills rack (which HAS to be a double entendre) containing pictures of naked women. Words of wisdom come from Lorene Kinslow, buyer of said filthy flesh charrer:

“I was furious. Something like this came to the United States. A family could’ve bought this. It wasn’t the fact that I don’t have my children living here with me but if a husband, a family and kids could’ve got a hold of that, that was just wrong, wrong.”

Translation: as long as it had been American porn, everything would have been hunkey-dorey.

American gangs with cameras are serious business in Thailand

A much better gang member than Todd WilliamsJoke time: so, an American tourist is waving his camera (and hopefully, that’s all that he’s waving that belongs to him) in his hotel room when he gets a knock on the door. He opens the door and there’s a local cop. The cop asks him “Do you know what’s the capital of Thailand? No? You’re going to very soon. By the way, you’re under arrest.”

Now, what happens in Thailand really stays in Thailand—because if you try to film it for a porn movie, you are most assuredly going to jail (and you might be considered a “gang member” too, even if you’re probably the saddest excuse for a gang member ever.)

Fun fact:
The best thing about filming in the Valley, or for that matter, anywhere that’s not Thailand, is that your odds of ending up in a Southeast Asian prison are remarkably low.