Take it from Snee: That’s a wrap

The Internet is up in arms over the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and PIPA. PIPA is actually an acronym and abbreviation within an abbreviation: the PROTECT IP Act — or the Preventing Real Online Threats to Economic Creativity and Theft of Intellectual Property Act — proving just how much thought the U.S. Senate puts into naming bills after minor British nobility over drafting applicable commonsense laws.

But, in all the hoopla, did we miss the passage of an even more dangerous law to the Internet?

The Los Angeles City Council voted 9-to-1 in favor of an ordinance that would strip film permits from porn producers whose actors don’t wear condoms. Los Angeles already requires adult actors to wear condoms, but this new ordinance provides an enforcement measure (unless they use they safe word).

I’ll admit it’s tempting to require adult actors to wear condoms at all times. As an Internet writer, I’m always shopping for new pants, and frankly, I’m tired of smell-checking inside the crotch before putting them on. If I smell something off — like whatever Astroglide smells like (not that I’d know) — I quietly put them back on the rack. But, if I smell Durex, well, that’s like New Pants Smell, and my only remaining complaint is how skinny jeans make me a sexual hazard in the workplace.

Life isn’t that simple, however, and neither are movies. Continue reading Take it from Snee: That’s a wrap

Beginning to think this Bin Laden wasn’t a very good guy

It took ten years, but we were finally able to prove that Osama Bin Laden, religious zealot, was a total hypocrite.

The killer of thousands in the name of a religion that preaches peace was caught with pornography. Lots and lots of pornography. Scads of it.

If you sat in a room filled with it, you would be at least ankle-deep in smut, like if the room were bigger than a closet. Otherwise, maybe knee deep in a non-walk-in closet.

To put it simply, investigators found loads of porno in his bungalo. Porngalo? (“Porngalo” will work.)

So, rest assured, everybody: we finally found the evidence that will send Bin Laden to Hell.

Yeah, like you have the same problem

Just a warning: this story and the story’s link may be Not Safe For Work.

Jonah Falcon is a man that has been blessed with massive ability.

However, as everyone that’s seen a film that totally embodies the spirit of capitalism a porn film, ability does not equal talent. Which is where Jonah’s problem lays. In his pants.

You see, Jonah has male genitalia that is the largest record on video. Unfortunately, he cannot seem to get a job. As an actor, his profession of choice, mind you. Also unfortunate is that he appears to have convictions, as he refuses to go into the skin trade, because:

“If I did porn nobody would take me seriously. Nobody.”

After all, having a documentary made about your large tallywhacker and then a follow-up article a decade later means that everyone thinks you’re serious business.

Remember kids, sex may sell, but true talent sells even better.

Take it from Snee: The Trial of the 21st Century

I know, not fair using the cable-knit "What are you thinking?" picture.

A number of factors made the O.J. Simpson trial the Trial of the 20th Century. It involved celebrities, like a young, up-and-coming Kato Kaelin. The charges concerned murder most foul. Its protagonists made strong stand-ins for Los Angeles’ and America’s long-simmering racial unrest, particularly after the Rodney King incidents.

But, ultimately, it was about timing. Not only had the nation forgotten about past contenders like the Scopes Monkey Trial, Roe v. Wade and even the recent Lorena Bobbitt and Rodney King trials, but this was 1995. What trial was going to pop-up before 2000 (technically, 2001) and be more compelling than Nordberg knifing of his ex-wife and some waiter?

It is based on these criteria that I’ve evaluated this young century’s court cases, looking for the first Trial of the 21st Century. And, finally, after nine long years of watching nothing but Court TV, I can report that that trial … is upon us: the Sandra Bullock custody battle.

How does it measure up to last century’s winner? Let’s go to the board: Continue reading Take it from Snee: The Trial of the 21st Century

Rich virgin boys to run from Switzerland to Apple’s open arms

The Swiss government is working hard to protect children from the evils of pornography … by banning pornography on all mobile devices. Why is a general ban necessary? Why, because if anyone’s allowed to get mobile porn, those crafty teenagers will find a way to get their hands on it! Totally sound logic all around–until, of course, you get the urge to watch highlights from the Swiss women’s Olympic volleyball team. Won’t someone stop thinking of the children and begin to think of the parents?

But wait–we’re not done with perverted cellphone news quite yet.

As if you couldn’t see enough actual boobs on your iPhone, some genius nerd geek virgin scary Japanese programmer Machead has created an application that actually allows you to touch and fondle them!

Or, maybe, just the outline of a boob, that is.

OK, so maybe it’s just a line.

But still: it’s a boob! And even if a bouncy little blob that responds to fingertip touch but lacks any definable features of a real breast gets less interesting the more you play with it, it’s wonderful to know that boob physics are alive and well—as are the stunning lengths that Apple fanboys will go to in order to grope a hot rack. No matter how digital it may be. And, since, in theory, it’s an application, that means that it’s free. Will the Swiss government put the kibosh on one of the hottest selling phones in the world (and by world, I mean the United States)?

The slow and downward spiral of the economy and your tax dollars at work

The federal government paid $147,000 for a research project to determine if women get turned on by pornography. Guess what? They do! Well done, gentlemen. We totally didn’t need that cancer research anyways.

You know what government? You could’ve paid the four of us at SeriouslyGuys no more than about $100 each and we could’ve given you the same results. But since you didn’t, I feel that only paying me at least $100,000 will allow me to call it even.