Of course it’s in Portland

Portland is probably known for a ton of odd characteristics:

  • The home of Voodoo Donuts.
  • The Mecca of conservative hippies.
  • The West Coast Mecca of hipsters.
  • An incredibly high strip club-to-resident ratio.
  • An incredibly high amount of hobos.

And now, a characteristic within a characteristic: totally legal topless panhandling.

Meanwhile, those who saw Friday’s topless panhandling say they’re not surprised.

“I think,” said a bystander, “it’s part of life in Portland.”

That sound you hear is the blood vessels in The Guys’ heads BURSTING.

It’s integral to walking the streets at night

You don’t even want to know what’s found in messenger bags.

If one is going to roam the streets in the early day, slashing tires willy-nilly, there are certain objects they should probably have on them. At least, we can only assume these are the new standards for such actions (not that we advocate said crimes, but if you’re gonna do them, do them in style):

  • A dark colored hoodie of some sort
  • A knife or cutting object of some sort. We won’t be picky, as a rusty spork may possibly be able to do the job
  • Running shoes, as opposed to unlaced Timberland boots
  • A backpack
  • A jar of poop to put in said backpack

Starbucks wants to Irish up your coffee

And by that, we mean beat you senselessly with a shillelagh. No, no, no, of course we don’t mean that. Well, at least for the most part.

Starbucks, the famous coffee giant, has always been in the flavored coffee business, but now, they’re looking to jump into the flavored coffee with flavor business. Having tested the plan here and there in a few Seattle and Portland stores, locations in Atlanta and Southern California will, over the year, have their menu expanded to include items such as beer and wine. Oh sure, there’ll be new food items as well, but pffft, why fill up your stomach with food when you can fill it up with more booze?

Uncomfortably bringing about awareness

It’s the new rage! All the kids are doing it! Watch out for your cute little chickadee, as she’ll be joining in too! Even your mom and especially your sister!

That’s right, I’m clearly talking about the SlutWalk.

Hey, I didn’t make up the name and I certainly didn’t dress it up that way.

Groups of women have been gathering around to bring about awareness of the victims of sexual violence around the world through the only sensible way possible: Triumphantly marching around cities in high heels. Started in response to an off-color remark by a member of the Toronto police department, over the past three months, SlutWalks have begun happening around the world, with such locations as New Delhi, Toronto, Whale’s Vagina and Baltimore. The most recent event took place in Portland, gathering hundreds of … ladies? This is questioned as the article linked has a picture with a guy wearing a Captain America logo on it.

Just, hypothetically speaking: how much did this walk of sluts, no, tarts, NAY, strumpets (!) cost the city? Can we quantify that? In dollar amounts?

Mmm, mmm! Recycled meat trays!

Great. Just what the world needs-more hippy crap.

Seattle is giving Portland a run for its money when it comes to being the most eco-forward city in the Pacific Northwest. With a ban on Styrofoam in restaurants and grocery stores going into effect on July 1, the city’s Metropolitan Market chain and other businesses have come up with a packaging solution-compostable meat trays made of corn. Made by Illinois-based Pactiv, the tan trays can be used for meat, fish and poultry and then tossed into the compost pile along with other food waste.

Chemist and Pactiv rep Dave Powell says that using the new trays is a boon for Seattle’s green reputation, and that while there is controversy surrounding the use of corn for anything other than food production, his company’s customers want more eco-friendly packaging that will break down. Styrofoam doesn’t.

If they wanted something that breaks down, why didn’t they just get me under pressure? Thank you everyone, I’ll be here all night.

Nothing says constructive criticism like a complaint

Were just saying, is all.Construction workers are an odd bunch. Seemingly enough, their region may possibly dictate their behavior. In the past, we’ve reported about those unscrupulous rapscallions, the construction workers of New Zealand, and their odd courtship rituals involving hooting. Approximately a gazillion miles away, we have another example: the gallant and thoughtful construction workers of Portland, Oregon.


Yes, true believer, you read right. The Guys never thought that we’d live to see the day that a group of construction workers would actively oppose the sight of exposed female flesh, but hey, I suppose there’s a first time for everything.

Oh, and in the interest of full disclosure, there’s a construction site happening right across the road from where I work. And, I take my breaks down in the cafeteria at 8:30 am and 11:30 am, right beside the 10 foot high windows. You know, just in case any nude roller-bladers might be interested in enjoying the outdoors and whatnot.

Don’t they see what he’s doing?

Treymane Durham pled guilty to murder in exchange for a feast of KFC and Popeye’s, “calzones, lasagna, pizza and ice cream.” He received the first half on plea, the second half on sentencing.

Knowing he would receive a life sentence, he also got married in a hurry.

So to recap: he raised his cholesterol so he wouldn’t live as long and got married so he wouldn’t mind dying, both of which will shorten his life sentence the old fashioned way.

This is one smart inmate.