The McBournie Minute: No one told me what I’m supposed to do — expectant dad lessons

When my wife told me she thought she was pregnant, I told her it was probably just the Mexican food. I don’t believe she’ll ever let me live that down, so I may as well put it out there myself.

She’d been telling me about odd sensations for the past day or so, and I kept explaining it away. One time I suggested that the tacos we had the night before were the cause of the weird stuff going on in her body. The next day she took a test without telling me, then walked into the room and said, “Want to hear something crazy? I’m pregnant.”

Then she went out for a run. So I was left with the pregnancy test and some questions. A quick search online showed me that there wasn’t such a thing as a false positive, only a false negative. For days I’d been trying not to get excited over nothing, and now I could let the doubt go. I was going to be a father. I cried, I prayed, and I did my best to get myself together for when my wife got back from her run so I could finally share in her excitement.

They say it’s a journey you take together, but it’s not. It’s a journey that is experienced in two completely different ways by two people. For whatever arcane societal reason, it’s all about the mother from the beginning. She has all the support and all of the knowledge that has been passed down from woman to woman since the dawn of time. Guys don’t have that. We drink beer with other guys and grunt acknowledgingly at each other, because no one wants to make it awkward by mentioning feelings. It’s just how we’ve done it since the Stone Age, and it’s served humanity pretty well, I’d say. But it meant I had to figure most of this out on my own. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: No one told me what I’m supposed to do — expectant dad lessons

The placenta placebo

"Science cannot harm the dragon ... 's belief in hokum."
“Science cannot harm the dragon … ‘s belief in hokum.”

New research indicates that there are no health benefits to mothers who eat the placenta after giving birth. This disproves previous Internet-concocted bullsh*t that claimed that eating your baby’s 9-month dorm room somehow gives you magical anti-depression powers and more energy. With no actual benefit found, plus the possibility of getting sick, doctors are recommending that women stop doing that.

They also added, “You’re being weird and gross. Knock it off. You’re somebody’s mother now.”

Physician, serve thyself

In fairness, though, it’s tough being a competent, caring gynecologist when you look and act like such a dick.

In Alabama, all professions are somehow political — and, therefore, religious — even medicine. During and shortly after the passage of the Affordable Care Act, I passed the time spent waiting in a dermatologist’s office by reading the marked Bible passages that he believe invalidated Obamacare.

So, it’s not too surprising that, not only did a doctor trade the Hippocratic Oath for the Hypocrite’s and run for the State Senate, Sen. Larry Stutt is now trying to repeal a law named for a patient whose post-pregnancy death he was sued over. The law requires insurers to cover post-pregnancy hospital stays after his patient, Rose Church, died of a heart attack 10 days after giving birth.

Stutt’s bill, Senate Bill 289, “would also also end a requirement that doctors inform women when finding dense breast tissue, which is associated with an increased risk of breast cancer, during a mammogram.” So, it might be that Dr. Sen. Stutt merely hates all women and not just the one that he settled out of court over. After all, what do they know, whether it concerns the health of their breasts or how they feel post-pregnancy?

‘Male Panda’s Rights Activists’ celebrate being proven right

"Females say they want to get with a nice, cuddly panda. But they always end up with some assh*le."
“Females say they want to get with a nice, cuddly panda. But they always choose the assh*le with a giant grant from the WWF.”

After years of looking like panda jerks in the comments of any online post that mentions feminism, it appears that Male Panda’s Rights Activists, or MPRAs, have been proven right. At least one female panda has been caught faking a pregnancy for special treatment from zookeepers that she has no intention of letting out of the “friendzone.”

Zookeepers at the Chengdu Research Base of Giant Panda Breeding reported that Ai Hin exhibited signs of pregnancy for two months and then suddenly stopped. During that time, she was moved into a single air conditioned room and received “more buns, fruits and bamboo.”

According to one of the zookeepers, “Some clever pandas have used this to their advantage to improve their quality of life.”

See? And if this happens in a zoo, you know it totally happens in the wild, too, where female pandas will convince a male panda to marry her and then conveniently miscarry. And at that point, it’s too late for the male panda. He’ll have to give her half of us bamboo for the rest of her life.

So, you win this round, MPRAs. But you still look stupid in a fedora.

That’s some vaguely sexist police work there, Lou

It’s a good thing that she aroused police suspicions in Columbia and not Mexico. Those officers look for candy in fake bellies.

Known to pull out of an social situation at a moment’s notice, the Guys don’t know a lot about babies or pregnancy. And we’ve proven on several occasions that we barely know women. (And three out of four of us are married or engaged to fully-documented women.)

So, we’ll just take it on faith from the airport police in Colombia that pregnant women just love to discuss their pregnancy and allow strangers to touch their bellies. And if they exhibit any reticence to either, then they must have something to hide.

In the case of the Bitchy Pregnant Canadian in Terminal C, it turned out that she was smuggling cocaine. So, way to go, weirdly sexist policewoman’s intuition!

Baby Merlot gets go-ahead from Danish doctors

As you may recall, we recently unveiled the latest tool in pre-child rearing: Baby Merlot. Applied to the womb, Baby Merlot prepares your zygote for a life of being awesome and fun at Happy Hour.

And guess what, naysayeers? It’s totally OK for them, too. According to research conducted on Danish mothers and their children (meaning no future American workers were put in jeopardy), “low to moderate weekly drinking in early pregnancy had no significant effect on neurodevelopment of children aged five years, nor did binge drinking.” Those five-year-olds, in fact, had the same test scores as kids from abstaining mothers, but just imagine if there was a shots category.

The only kids whose performance was impacted negatively were those of regular heavy drinkers, or mothers who consumed 9 or more drinks a week. That’s why all boxes of Baby Merlot prominently display a warning not to use it on your baby more than eight times a week. SeriouslyGuys, we care about your fetus.

New moms won’t freak out about this at all

You might think that pregnant moms have enough on their plates to worry about, and that adding unavoidable fears won’t help them. You are wrong.

Moms now need to worry about about exposure to pesticides, which can lower their baby’s IQ and are found on every food they need to eat for a healthy pregnancy. In solidarity with our media brothers and sisters,  The Guys have helpfully assembled a list of other substances that can lower your baby’s IQ:

  • Mike’s Hard Lemonade
  • The Situation
  • Sound waves of Sarah Palin’s voice
  • Kentucky
  • Paradigm shifts
  • Korn

So, there you go. Avoid those things and you might not have a stupid(er) baby.*

*SeriouslyGuys reserves the right to declare any human being that has not mastered language, potty training, locomotion, sleeping on its back and feeding itself stupid. If you disagree, feel free to update your Facebook page in protest.

Run for the hills, Tian Tian!

Zookeepers at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. have officially called off this year’s Panda Watch. It appears that Mei Xiang faked the whole thing, again.

Apparently, Mei Xiang will do anything to keep the attention she craves from zoo personnel, the media and her own badgered panda husband, Tian Tian, all of whom have been through this ordeal five times.

It’s time to leave, Tian Tian. She’ll just keep pulling this act to guilt you into sticking around. It may be hard to leave the potential mother of your cub or whatever they call your babies, but would she really lie to you if she loved you?

(And that’s how you convince an endangered species to stop breeding donating their sperm to a zookeeper.)