As you may recall, we recently unveiled the latest tool in pre-child rearing: Baby Merlot. Applied to the womb, Baby Merlot prepares your zygote for a life of being awesome and fun at Happy Hour.
And guess what, naysayeers? It’s totally OK for them, too. According to research conducted on Danish mothers and their children (meaning no future American workers were put in jeopardy), “low to moderate weekly drinking in early pregnancy had no significant effect on neurodevelopment of children aged five years, nor did binge drinking.” Those five-year-olds, in fact, had the same test scores as kids from abstaining mothers, but just imagine if there was a shots category.
The only kids whose performance was impacted negatively were those of regular heavy drinkers, or mothers who consumed 9 or more drinks a week. That’s why all boxes of Baby Merlot prominently display a warning not to use it on your baby more than eight times a week. SeriouslyGuys, we care about your fetus.
You might think that pregnant moms have enough on their plates to worry about, and that adding unavoidable fears won’t help them. You are wrong.
Moms now need to worry about about exposure to pesticides, which can lower their baby’s IQ and are found on every food they need to eat for a healthy pregnancy. In solidarity with our media brothers and sisters, The Guys have helpfully assembled a list of other substances that can lower your baby’s IQ:
- Mike’s Hard Lemonade
- The Situation
- Sound waves of Sarah Palin’s voice
- Paradigm shifts
So, there you go. Avoid those things and you might not have a stupid(er) baby.*
*SeriouslyGuys reserves the right to declare any human being that has not mastered language, potty training, locomotion, sleeping on its back and feeding itself stupid. If you disagree, feel free to update your Facebook page in protest.
Of all the diseases commonly associated with pregnancy–from hemorrhoids to living parasitic uterine tumors (or “twins”)–a new study now includes fake ones.
The miracle of life is that it happens at all.
Zookeepers at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. have officially called off this year’s Panda Watch. It appears that Mei Xiang faked the whole thing, again.
Apparently, Mei Xiang will do anything to keep the attention she craves from zoo personnel, the media and her own badgered panda husband, Tian Tian, all of whom have been through this ordeal five times.
It’s time to leave, Tian Tian. She’ll just keep pulling this act to guilt you into sticking around. It may be hard to leave the potential mother of your cub or whatever they call your babies, but would she really lie to you if she loved you?
(And that’s how you convince an endangered species to stop breeding donating their sperm to a zookeeper.)
Republican state Senator Dave Schultheis does not believe that the state of Colorado should require hospitals to test pregnant women for HIV.
Is it because this could be considered some sort of invasion of privacy? No, because the screening is consensual.
Maybe it’s because pregnant women are homos? Not in the good Senator’s world!
How about because the needles used to administer the test could help spread HIV? No, that’ s a little far-fetched.
Or is it because detecting HIV would lead to treatment, giving the benefit of medical care to some unclean whore who caught AIDS? From our pages to Senator Dave’s stupid mouth!
Some alarmists out there are pointing at a new study to say that purity pledges don’t work for teenagers.
Despite promising — in exchange for cheap, mass-produced silver* rings — to remain virgins until marriage, teens are still having premarital sex.
However, teens that break their pledges are more likely to make up for it by keeping another lesson from their parents close to heart: not to use contraception.
So, if you’re a moron and you have teenage kids, don’t give up. Keep preaching stupid ideas to your kids and some of them will leak through that acne medication of theirs.
*Silver purity rings from Wal-Mart may contain percentages of lead exceeding actual silver content.
A couple of weeks ago, I addressed how woefully inaccurate my predictions turned out for 2008. I have two responses for that:
- Shut up. You try predicting the future. It’s really, really hard.
- My vision was tainted by proximity. Predicting 2008 was like trying to read with my nose against the page.
So that is why I am continuing my series of 2028 news predictions. In twenty years, my clairvoyance will be so recognized that Suri Cruise will beg to be the new me. (By then, Scientology will be the equivalent of today’s Mormons.) Continue reading Take it from Snee: Sexually-active workers need not apply