Amazon says you’re pregnant, creates registry for you

You may not think you’re pregnant, but Amazon knows better. So don’t be surprised when you start getting gifts.

Earlier this week, people reported getting emails from Amazon letting them know that someone had bought something on their baby registry. The only problem was that they didn’t have a baby on the way, nor did they have a registry. The company claims it was a glitch, and that it doesn’t actually know anything that the women themselves don’t.

Glitch or no glitch, it might be a good idea to buy some pregnancy tests on Amazon. You never know what Alexa has been telling that site.

War on Animals crisis averted

All we have is this blurry footage of our hero.
All we have is this blurry footage of our hero.

We were this close to being up to our armpits in sea serpents. We may never know who or what prevented the oarfish invasion of the west coast, but they or it managed to stop a 13-feet-long troop carrier from releasing hundreds of thousands of eggs.

Had the oarfish not died before reaching her target, those eggs would have filled the Southern Californian portion of the Pacific Ocean, tying up the Port of Los Angeles and leaving Malibu and our second best Avengers team vulnerable to a land-based animal assault.

If you know anything about what prevented what could very well have been the darkest day of the War on Animals, rat them out. We’ve got a surplus of medals over here.

New moms won’t freak out about this at all

You might think that pregnant moms have enough on their plates to worry about, and that adding unavoidable fears won’t help them. You are wrong.

Moms now need to worry about about exposure to pesticides, which can lower their baby’s IQ and are found on every food they need to eat for a healthy pregnancy. In solidarity with our media brothers and sisters,  The Guys have helpfully assembled a list of other substances that can lower your baby’s IQ:

  • Mike’s Hard Lemonade
  • The Situation
  • Sound waves of Sarah Palin’s voice
  • Kentucky
  • Paradigm shifts
  • Korn

So, there you go. Avoid those things and you might not have a stupid(er) baby.*

*SeriouslyGuys reserves the right to declare any human being that has not mastered language, potty training, locomotion, sleeping on its back and feeding itself stupid. If you disagree, feel free to update your Facebook page in protest.

Exercise is the new green tea

If you’re reading this, you’re probably not exercising. That’s OK. After reading this, you’ll be inspired to begin immediately.

As we reported earlier, your baby is fat. Babies, however, are also notoriously lazy: demanding to be carried, soiling themselves and not even bothering to chew their food. But, pregnant mothers who exercise give birth to smaller babies, which delays their inevitable chunking-up by a year or so.

Exercise also may treat depression and anxiety. Researchers believe the increased activity makes you too tired to care about your naggy, fat baby or dead end job.

And, if you thought your baby was good for nothing, that was nothing compared to their teenage years. Fortunately, it appears your teenager can overcome your fat genes by exercising for one hour a day.

It’s only a matter of time now before exercise is recommended for curing sprained ankles, heat exhaustion, drowning, heart attacks and asthma. Now run! Run until your herpes clear up!

Oral sex + knife = baby?

If you thought that it wasn’t sex if you only made with the mouth games, then we regret to inform you, Mr. President, that you are wrong.

In 1988, a 15-year-old African girl with no vagina gave birth. (It was a Caesarean birth, obviously.)

So, how did a girl from Lesotho get pregnant without a vagina?

  1. Orally.
  2. And then followed with a knife fight.

She was stabbed in the stomach by a jealous ex-boyfriend shortly after swallowing manimals, opening a channel for the sperm to swim into her love canal.

So, perhaps when we talk about safe sex, we should add a new method: leaving your knives at home.

(Special thanks to Kristen E.)

Back to the old drawing board …

"Allow me to introduce myself: Wyle E. Coyote, sexual genius."The list of ways to have sex with ladies without getting them pregnant is now one method shorter. It appears that women can get pregnant again when they’re already pregnant, so don’t believe all the hype on that fetish.

Fortunately, that still leaves:

  • Anal
  • Oral
  • Post-menopausal women
  • Condoms (though only 99.9 percent effective and everyone reading this must be exceptional)
  • Being a lesbian
  • Painting a second egg on the uterine wall, causing your sperm to crash headlong into it instead of fertilizing the real egg

Australian babies succomb to beer pressure

No! We can't let this happen!In more Wacky Australian Booze News, one-third of surveyed Australian women tip a few back while pregnant. Not only are they drinking while incubating future felons, but 93% of that third said that “they knew alcohol could affect an unborn child.”

In response, Australian scientists plan to use these results for a public health campaign about the dangers of drinking with a minor onboard.

This blog cannot agree more: while we support boozing in general, we cannot deny the effects of alcohol on babies. It makes them cooler, appear more mature, more confident with the ladies and possibly super strong. Australians are already all of that. By nurturing these traits at a prenatal stage, the rest of the world will never be able to keep up.

Should the health campaign fail, The Guys see no other alternative than a preemptive strike. That’s right: free cigarettes for pregnant Aussies. The secondhand smoke should float down to their pouches.