White House ‘no-fly zone’ reinforced

"You've heard of Seal Team Six? This is Seal Hand Five."
“You’ve heard of SEAL Team Six? This is SEAL Hand Five.”

Some may question President Barack Obama’s resolve to take action on unemployment, end detainment at Guantanamo Bay or reform U.S. immigration policy. But there’s one policy he’s remained consistent on for both terms: there’s only one person allowed to be fly in the White House. (She’s the one rockin’ bangs.)

A fly attempted to derail the president’s nominations to head the Securities and Exchange Commission and the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau before even Republicans in the House and Senate got a chance to deny them. Obama was able to reinforce his no-fly zone with a warning swat.

During a televised interview in 2009, Obama authorized a hand strike on an insurgent fly, the first sitting president to do so against a domestic animal since Teddy Roosevelt slapped a bear for eating his son Quentin’s ice cream.

This should help silence critics who believe that the president is weak on the War on Animals, but it won’t.

President Obama doesn’t like Empire people

Back in December, we gave you a heads up about how nerds made use of the White House’s petition website to ask for the construction of a Death Star. It seemed like such an outlandish idea that there’s no reason for President Obama’s administration to acknowledge it.


The White House has officially responded to the petition. Showing Obama’s rebel traits and fondness for the home planet of Jimmy Smits, Paul Shawcross, a science and space adviser, responded on the website that not only would the space station that’s not a moon would be too costly, but the creation of such would go against its stance on not supporting the blowing up of planets.

Also, there’s this:

a President who knows his way around a light saber and advanced (marshmallow) cannon

You Missed It: Steve and Company edition

10/5/11: A religious holiday for the Cult of SteveJust when you thought it was safe to go back to the waters of SeriouslyGuys on a Friday evening, DUM-DUM! I strike! As noted last week, Bryan McBournie is on vacation this week. His whereabouts are unknown, but we’re pretty sure he’s not at your kid’s playground in an unmarked white van. After all, there’s a much better chance that he’s right behind you and holding a knife above your neck at this very second. As such, you’re stuck with me. If you were busy protesting a street in Manhattan with a surprising lack of walls, odds are you missed it.

iMiss the guy already

Steve Jobs, creator of all things good at Apple, passed away on Wednesday. According a press release, the man went off into that great big sunset in the sky peacefully and surrounded by friends. It’s not hyperbole to say that Jobs was a pioneer in helping our world interact the way it does on a financial scale thanks to iTunes. No jokes here, kids. We’ll be classy about it, as we don’t actually hate Apple products (in fact, this was typed on one).

But who will take care of all the rowdy friends?

The relationship between Hank Williams Jr. and the opening song for Monday Night Football has been torn asunder, all due to comments made by Williams comparing President Obama to Hitler. Sports radio and podcasts are all wondering what the new intro will be. Suggestions I’ve heard range from the pre-Williams intro, a duet between Tim McGraw and Faith Hill, Jon Bon Jovi and Rihanna. In my defense, I listen to the Tony Kornheiser Show.

Unclean! Unclean!

Sickness is in the air! An outbreak of mumps has hit the UC Berkeley campus and a student at Denton High School tested positive for tuberculosis (in an area where a TB scare has already hit). Seeing as how bad things always happen in threes, SG will now predict that the next outbreak of communicable disease will be located at Radford University. We don’t necessarily want to call the health and well-being of our alma mater into question, but we have a hint that sometimes, you can’t change the history of a school.

The Audacity of Impersonation

In other Obama related news

The Republican Leadership Conference was recently held. While we’ll avoid the reference that old white men love having black guys do things for their entertainment, we will point out that a Barack Obama impersonator was hired for the event. That where the similarity to the first part of the previous sentence ends, as the joke may have been lost on more than a few of the attendees.

The impersonator proceeded to mock many of the GOP members hoping the next president, while also poking fun at the roots of the current president (to keep it fair, after all). But apparently, it was just too much to make fun of Michele Bachmann supporting a bunch of racists crazy people the Tea Party. Enough was enough, the mic was cut and the impersonator was given das boot!

Hey, GOP people: SG recommends that you get the guy from the Jerry’s Subs and Pizzas radio ads and utilize the technology that Conan uses. We’d support it.

Chinese: ‘Crisis’ is the same word as ‘slow news day’

President Barack Obama announced in a press conference today that he is preparing for the potential crisis of his oldest daughter, Malia, becoming a teenager next month.

House Republicans have already responded by introducing bills to:

  • Deregulate Malia’s curfew.
  • Grant Congress final approval over boyfriend nominations.
  • Set up a panel to determine if the President is impeachable if his daughter wishes aloud that she was adopted.

That’s President Oballa to you

Barack Obama seems to be someone we can clearly look up to (that’s a legitimate reality for me). After all, he’s president of the United States of America, which, mind you, is no small task. Leader of the most powerful country in the free world? Yeah, that’s got some prestige attached to it.

Attendant of Harvard Law School? Fairly select place to get in.

Winner of a Nobel Prize? Hey, they don’t necessarily just go about handing those out to everyone.

But now the man has been awarded potentially the greatest title he’s ever been given in his life. A Serbian festival that celebrates the potatoes of life has given Obama a “big balls award (link might be Not Safe For Work for you).”

President Obama was not present to accept the award, possibly off somewhere doing something extremely arrogant and manly, as his award denotes that he would do.

It’s not exactly what you call street cred though

It’s the worst nightmare of every famous person-there’s someone out there that looks like them, and they’re in something that they really shouldn’t be in.

The latest victim of this: President Obama. Just what is he purported to have been in? The music video for “Whoomp (There It Is)”. Yeah, it’s that bad.

Now, not all of our readers might know of this video. For our younger SeriouslyAudience, check out the video here. Don’t worry, we’ll wait for you.

All done? Good, now you can understand just how damaging a video like this can be to someone’s reputation (like you’ve never done or listened to anything ridiculously dumb as a youngster), and we’ll continue. Now, the person in question in the video is clearly not Obama, but actually his long-lost twin. Or his lost EVIL twin. Who is planning on secretly replacing him. Now the real Obama will have to partner with a ragtag group of misfits kicked out of the army for their unconventional take on the rules of warfare in order to stop him.

More dramatic internet news of the day

In our best attempt to make it onto the NSA’s watch-list: THE PRESIDENT’S TWITTER WAS HACKED.

No, really-and it was done by a Frenchman of all people. A FRENCHMAN. That’s the equivalent to two slaps into our face while spitting in our mashed potatoes. Oh sure, some people might want to talk about other government related issues, but here on the internet, we only care about one thing: the 140 characters that Obama will use to wipe out France.

Chris Matthews doesn’t remember color

After President Barack “Still Doesn’t Show Up In Spellchecker” Obama’s State of the Union Address last night, MSNBC host Chris Matthews commented on … something about the President, saying:

“I was trying to think about who he was tonight. And uh, it’s interesting. He is post-racial, by all appearances. You know, I forgot he was black tonight for an hour….”

And so we delve into another entry into Profiles in Sadness.

Let’s start with the reaction, since that’s why we’re even talking about this today: stupid people, with names like “Shoehead” and “Brent Bozell” think he was being racist.

Here’s our question: does anybody know what Chris Matthews was talking about? Is he saying he forgot about Barack Obama’s race? That Obama has wiped out race? That he sounds like a cooler-than-average white guy when Matthews close his eyes? That race ceased to exist for an hour because Obama may or may not be black until you look inside the TV, a Schrödinger’s Democrat?

We’ll take this further: does Chris Matthews know what Chris Matthews is talking about ever? Does this sound like a man who speaks with any forethought whatsoever?

  • “The on-air host was roundly criticized for calling West Point cadets ‘the enemy camp’ when Obama spoke at the U.S. Military Academy in December.”
  • “Matthews also was criticized for saying he ‘felt this thrill going up my leg’ after listening to Obama speak during the presidential primary campaign.”

And that’s the saddest part about this story. Chris Matthews doesn’t speak. MSNBC runs a fanhose to his ***hole, and cuts it on whenever it’s time for words to come out of his mouth. He’s like a perfect pitch bagpipe, as in no matter how many people like his music, damn if it isn’t both annoying and perplexing.

So, who really loses in this affair? We’re gonna go with the party with the least to say about it: MSNBC. They still have no comment.