Take it from Snee: Explaining U.S. branches of government to foreigners, children (Part 1)

Greetings, non-citizens and/or future voters! As you may recall, I recently explained to (at, whatever) foreigners and children how the United States’ political parties work. Since that was a rousing success – mostly because neither of you have command of my language to voice your objections – I’ve been tapped to now explain the three branches of our government.

The three branches are the executive, legislative and judicial branches. These were delineated all the way back in 1789, when a group of self-selected landowners (mostly lawyers) met to secretly and kind of/sort of illegally overhaul our existing government as outlined in the Articles of Confederation. This was the now legal framing of our famed Constitution. Perhaps you’ve seen it on your tour of Ron Paul’s breast pocket?

To reflect this spirit of open contempt towards our law of the land, they intentionally set up a lawyer-driven three-way deathmatch between three equal branches. This cage fight is called “checks and balances,” which was based on the use of elbows and fleet footwork in Senate-floor cane brawls.

Because of the amount of information involved, and because every element of our government is ripe for jokes, I’ve divided this into a three part series. This week, it’s the executive branch. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Explaining U.S. branches of government to foreigners, children (Part 1)

The Chronicles of Argentina: The Voyage of the H.M.S. Dauntless

Nearly two years ago, we brought you news of a possible re-ignition of the United Kingdom and Argentina’s war over the Falkland Islands. Well, while things are getting spicier down there (the only way the Argentines know how), it looks like this war will be served cold, which is the best way to enjoy UKFC Extra Crispy Puffin the next day.

The recent assignment of a warship carrying Prince William to the islands for war games has led the Argentinean government to call Bill a conquistador. This is a grave insult because it implies his new bride gave him smallpox. And recent bans by an alliance of South American nations on an ships bearing Falklands flags led British Prime Minister David Cameron accusing Argentine President Cristina Fernandez of “colonialist” aims at retaking the island.

Between the Argentines’ Spanish conquistador heritage and the U.K.’s history of colonialism, pots and kettles everywhere are at risk of fighting the war these two nations are dancing around.

Take it from Snee: Pros and cons of surviving 2011

Whenever I approach a new year, I like to take stock of what I survived. I like to think of myself less as a time traveler stuck in forward linear motion at an uninterruptible rate and more of a time warrior, cleaning out the runners of my time sword as I prepare to skewer another year.

So, here’s an entirely subjective list of what went right and wrong in 2011 before greeting Bolon Yokte as an old friend at midnight, Jan. 1. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Pros and cons of surviving 2011

Newtlemania reaches its logical end

It only took about a week before the country experienced Newt-fatigue, and that’s in a season where, as a nation, we’re content to watch 24 hours of A Christmas Story.

What could have brought us to this moment? Was it when Newt signed a pledge to uphold the institution of marriage … this time? Was it Glenn Beck calling anyone who backed Cain and then moved on to Newt a racist? Or, maybe it was Newt’s plan to ease up child labor laws, so teens could learn what it means to work two jobs (so long as you count 6-7 hours a day in school a job) and still not be able to afford to live away from home.

At this point, who could really know why specifically?

Perry’s performance no longer debatable

Texas Gov. Rick Perry, who described his participation in debates to Fox News as “mistaken” earlier this week, has to date only committed to one of the next three debates, leading to conjecture that he might skip them entirely. He’s been forced to publicly admit his performance in recent debates demonstrate that he is “not perfect,” which is a political euphemism for “dumb like the rest of you at this fair.”

His campaign manager, Ray Sullivan, said that they are “examining the opportunities and the opportunity cost” of each debate. But they have not, however, ruled out campaigning — even though Perry polled much higher when he wasn’t even in the race.

Republican field gains further quantity

Remember a while back when we brought you the poll results indicating that President Obama can only be defeated in 2012 by “Generic Republican Candidate,” all named candidates falling short?

We have found that candidate, right after he stepped out of his time machine from the 19th Century: Rep. Thaddeus McCotter, R-Mich.

T-had’s only possible obstacle is the values voters, who may suspect him of being a Harry Potter character.

Fresh PR move of the day

A huge announcement was made today, which could really change the game for someone with a bit of a “Google problem.”

No, that “someone” isn’t Rick S@ntorum. Even as a comedy site, we still try to focus on viable presidential candidates. (And we’ve written about both Palin and Trump in our archives.) Plus, we’re trying to stay Safe For Work.

We’re actually talking about Cleveland, which has been trying to shake off what we assume started as an innocent reference to their carpet cleaning business. But, will this latest attempt work, and is it worth it?

What the Donald is going on here?

Donald Trump has finally achieved his goal: getting a look at President Barack Obama’s long -form birth certificate.

This should effectively end Trump’s rumored 2012 run for the presidency now that he finally has enough of Mr. Obama’s personal information to open a new, non-previously bankrupted line of credit.

So … how did that make you feel?

Let’s say you are the president of a university. (This is very easy if you actually are one, which is probably a common demographic of our readers.)

Now, let’s imagine that one of your professors invited a musician/sex educator and his fiancé to help teach a voluntary psychology lecture on sex toys and the female orgasm. The musician then penetrates his wife, on stage, with an apparatus comprised of a machine-powered saw with a phallus at the end until she achieves orgasm. (Talk about your Mythbusters, right?)

OK, so people at the school are upset. Do you:

A. Quietly discipline the professor in a professional setting?

B. Ask for the number of the exhibitionist and ask if they does weddings? (… For the music!)

C. Publicly denounce the lecture in the press, attracting every Internet pervert and gawker’s attention to what was once a highly-respected institute of learning?

If you answered C, then congratulations! You made it onto SeriouslyGuys.com today!