Tagged: presidential election

| Filed under Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, Scurry '16

In democracy, machines count for something

Letting machines take over our elections means that people who protest the results will look less crazy and more like John Connor.
Letting machines take over our elections means that people who protest the results will look less crazy and more like John Connor.

Good news, everyone, about the recount in Wisconsin! … No, not that. He probably still won. But! The recount should prove that, when (not “if”) the machines take over, they’re even better at democracy than we are. So, the singularity shouldn’t be a totalitarian dictatorship!

For all the worries about human error in vote counting and machines screwing up, four election experts believe that the Wisconsin recount will prove two things: (1) we’re better at counting votes than we think, and (2) machines are better than us at it and, therefore democracy.

Previous recounts show a 0.28 percent discrepancy in hand-counted votes, while computer-counted votes only had a 0.17 percent discrepancy. And even when the machines screw up, it’s mostly when a human factor interrupts the computer process, like a human logging computer counts incorrectly on a pen and ink form.

So, if we really want a more representative government, then perhaps it’s time to throw out the factor that keeps (minutely) screwing it up: humans.

| Filed under Scurry '16, Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: Somebody’s gotta do it (but not you)

Update (10/22/2016): As most people are aware, Mike Rowe responded to this post on Wednesday, 10/19/2016. I posted an apology and brief explanation while I digested his response, reread his post, and came to terms with why I could have approached this topic better.

After a few days, I’ve finished collecting my thoughts in a new follow-up post. It’s a long read, but I hope it adequately explains why I wrote the unjustifiable way I did about Mike Rowe, why I owed him an apology, and why I still respectfully disagree with him over encouraging people to vote.

I also wrote it on my own site because, fair warning, it’s probably too boring for SeriouslyGuys.

Yes, yes. You're very well ... watched.
Yes, yes. You’re very well read watched.

For some people, an election boils down to Democrat or Republican.

For others, it’s Vote or Not Vote because, overall, politicians are no prize. They’re more like the price of living in a republic with democratically elected representation: OK, you get someone who will mostly make the decisions you want, but they’ll also be the kind of person who wants to be a decision-maker for everyone else. It’s no surprise that most of these people probably rank high on the psychopath spectrum.

So, I can understand when a common sense guy like Mike Rowe would rather not encourage people to vote. Voting is inspirational in the theoretical, Leonardo-DiCaprio-does-it sense. But when you look at the choices, it looks more like a dirty job — do you ladle out the solid chunks or siphon the ammonia-smelling liquids?

But, when Mike Rowe says that people shouldn’t be encouraged to vote because they’re probably too stupid to do so, that’s not common sense. (Rant also celebrated here, although it bogusly claims he posted it a couple of days ago.) That’s elitism, which seems out of character for the champion of the hard-working American.  Continue reading

| Filed under The McBournie Minute

The McBournie Minute: You’re not moving to Canada

For as long as there has been a United States of America, there has been a Canada sitting on top of it. Except for that time when there were two Canadas. I think there was a War Between the Provinces or something, I’m not up on Canadian history. But Canada has been there for a really, really long time.

It’s been there in our time of need. The Canadians were there to supply us with booze when Americans decided that we should all stop drinking for some reason. It has also given us some great comedians and mostly crappy musicians, all while letting us film our movies and TV shows there for tax purposes.

So it seems natural that we would see it as a place of refuge today. But you really need to stop that nonsense. You’re not moving to Canada. Continue reading

| Filed under Profiles in Sadness, Scurry '16

Governor of the great state of Delusion

Yeah, if we were polling as low as John Kasich but still going through the motions in the most grueling reality show in America, we'd need a hug, too.
Yeah, if we were polling as low as John Kasich but still going through the motions in the most grueling reality show in America, we’d need a hug, too.

There are a lot of sad stories in every election. Any candidate can find themselves on top of the world for a hot second, only to see it all fall away after one joy ride in a tank or in the span of one creepy, slow motion smile.

We thought we had already seen the saddest moment of this election when heir apparent, Jeb Bush, literally begged for applause after what he thought was a real barn-burner of a speech.

But, no, the saddest thing we’ve seen are the walking dead — the candidates still trying to walk around despite a giant hole in their chest. John Kasich is like a ghost in Beetlejuice: he doesn’t even know he’s dead yet.

[A] new ad from a super PAC supporting Ohio Gov. John Kasich warns against anointing the freshmen senator [Marco Rubio] too quickly.


“D.C. insiders are clamoring to crown Marco Rubio king of the GOP before he’s even proven he can win anything, and that kind of shortsighted arrogance could hand Hillary Clinton the election,” Connie Wehrkamp, New Day For America’s spokeswoman, said in a statement.

Meanwhile, in polls, Donald Trump is leading Rubio in his own home state of Florida by double-digits: 44 percent to 28 percent. Kasich, in the meantime, has yet to even reach Rubio, trailing even behind Ted Cruz, who looks like the guy in Saving Private Ryan who’s looking for his arm on the beach. The two are polling at seven percent and twelve percent respectively.

Unless Kasich and at least one other wounded candidate walk towards the light, Trump will win this primary with less than half of all Republican votes.

| Filed under Scurry '16

Walker out: remaining GOP candidates swarm his one voter

As of filing time of this report, 230 more potential Republican presidential candidates have barricaded Carl in his own home, each hoping to win that vote Scott Walker expected in the primary.
As of filing time of this report, 230 more potential Republican presidential candidates have barricaded Carl in his own home, each hoping to win that vote Scott Walker expected in the primary.

In less than a few hours after Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker bowed out of the Republican Party’s primary for the 2016 presidential election, all 13 remaining GOP candidates have swarmed Carl, the one guy who planned to vote for Walker, making up his entire 1.8 percent of positive polling numbers.

Carl reported first being approached by Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Tx.), who immediately began taking the Wisconsin native’s measurement and muttering under his breath about a new coat. “This was weird to me because I already have a coat, and it couldn’t be for him because he wasn’t wearing one,” Carl said.

He then was approached by former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, who held his hand out respectfully and allowed Carl to smell his hand before gently petting him behind the ears with two fingers.

This calm, pleasant moment lasted seconds before hearing the shout of, “An unaffiliated Republican voter” from 11 varyingly affected Southern drawls. He was then mobbed by Sen. Marco Rubio, Carly Fiorino, Dr. Ben Carson, Mike Huckabee, Rand Paul, John Kasich, Jim Gilmore, Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal and Sen. Lindsay Graham. In the scrum to win his support, Carl has received a torn shirt, bruised ribs and an unexplained case of pink eye. His left shoe is still missing, but suspected to be firmly in the Rubio camp.

Donald Trump has reportedly already counted Carl’s vote as his own, having called him a loser who knows a good thing when he sees one. “That’s me, morons,” Trump clarified.

| Filed under Scurry '12, Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: The triumph of the political id

Wolf Blitzer hasn't moved since November 2012. He's still standing in front of that screen, interviewing imaginary holograms about Iowa and California.
Wolf Blitzer hasn’t moved since November 2012. He’s still standing in front of that screen, interviewing imaginary holograms about Iowa and California.

At the time of posting, we’re 453 days away from when we actually vote for the President of the United States. We’re not just a year away, we’re still one and a quarter years away from trying to make a state government-installed touchscreen work. To put that quarter of a year in perspective, that’s like wearing your Halloween costume to work back in July.

So, it seems kind of silly that, even though there’s only been one “debate” and not one single primary vote cast, the press is already declaring leads. They’re basing this on polls, and I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been polled in my entire life. In fact, I know more people from the state of Wyoming than I know who have been asked to respond to a poll, and I’m pretty sure Wyoming isn’t real. (It’s just the lab where they built Dick Cheney.)

But, alas, we have leads in both primaries already, and wow, are we all deluding ourselves politically. In any past election, the current front-runners wouldn’t even be running as Democrat or Republican, much less leading either pack.

Don’t believe me? Read on to find out why, when it comes to this primary, the political id has triumphed in both parties, and why that’s probably bad.  Continue reading

| Filed under Scurry '16

The Art of the Shrill


In 1987, Donald Trump published his first autobiography, The Art of the Deal, in which he explained how he became one of the richest sleezebags in America — quite the achievement when you consider how terribly rich white men were considered in the 1980s. And now, in 2015, he’s leading a different branch of poorly regarded rich white men: Republican politicians running for President.

How? How does a guy who dodged the Vietnam draft, declared bankruptcy and eats pizza with a knife and fork take a double-digit lead in polls of the party of strong national defense, fiscal responsibility and rolling up your sleeves to “get-r-done?”

1. By not being Rick Sant*rum (edited to SFW), Mike “What’s a” Huckabee or the less-likable brother of that president that America hasn’t forgotten about yet.

2. By being loud, obnoxious and aggressively unproductive about our problems, so he’s just like the people we already vote into Congress.

Will Trump’s Herman Cain-esque popularity translate into votes this primary? Or will someone take his place at the top next week, like Herman Cain? Bookmark SeriouslyGuys for Scurry 2016: our continuing coverage of the 2016 presidential election.

| Filed under Scurry '12, Take it from Snee

Take it from Snee: Explaining the U.S. Electoral College to foreigners, children

So, you’ve learned about our branches of government and the positions in each one. You’ve learned about both of our political parties and all the pity parties people vote for when their candidate doesn’t get nominated. You’ve even learned how to practice democracy, so now it’s time to vote for the President of the United States in less than a month, right?

Eh … sort of.

Our electoral system, like the rest of our government as we know it today, was established in about two crazy months in secret back in 1787. Let’s just say that, in order to evade the Articles of Confederation and get all the states to agree in writing, some fast and heady compromises were made. The Electoral College, which is what you’re really voting for, is one of them.

Confused? Don’t worry. Even most seasoned citizens don’t quite understand how it works, making this the most requested “Explaining … to Foreigners and Children” guide I’ve never wanted to write. Nevertheless, here is the Electoral College.  Continue reading

| Filed under Scurry '12

Romney can point to not one, but two gay friends

Let it never be said that Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney doesn’t have the support of Republican gays. In fact, he has two of their support.

Just to clarify: that’s two individual gay and lesbian members of the directing board for GOProud. The other two gay board members voted against endorsing Romney over his support for the Federal Marriage Amendment, yet the decision passed by a bare majority. So, it’s a gay Republican organization … that doesn’t much care about gay Republican rights. Just Republican talking points. But it’s a gay organization, not just plain old Republicans. Yet, three of the board members are straight, which is cool, but two of them just voted against gay marriage, and one wouldn’t take a stand on an issue that would probably matter to a gay political organization …

You know what? We’ll let you sort it all out, readers. Frankly, we can’t make tops or bottoms out of it.

| Filed under Scurry '12, War on Robots

Activate Republi-Bot 2012!

After years weeks of trying to find a candidate that can beat President Barack Obama in the 2012 election, Gallup has delivered one that finally ties in poll numbers: Generic Republican Candidate.

Yes, Generic Republican Candidate! It slices tax rates and dices spending! It prays using only widely-accepted Western practices! It demonstrates high school graduate proficiency of the English language and American history!

Just open Generic Republican Candidate’s can, and use an ordinary hair dryer to remove the wrinkles from its flag pin-adorned suit and power tie in mere seconds! It comes with everything you see here and an unassailable military record!

Generic Republican Candidate: You can trust it because it’s clearly labeled “Made in America.”*

*Parts made in China, assembled in India and delivered by Mexicans.