Take it from Snee: Explaining the U.S. Electoral College to foreigners, children

So, you’ve learned about our branches of government and the positions in each one. You’ve learned about both of our political parties and all the pity parties people vote for when their candidate doesn’t get nominated. You’ve even learned how to practice democracy, so now it’s time to vote for the President of the United States in less than a month, right?

Eh … sort of.

Our electoral system, like the rest of our government as we know it today, was established in about two crazy months in secret back in 1787. Let’s just say that, in order to evade the Articles of Confederation and get all the states to agree in writing, some fast and heady compromises were made. The Electoral College, which is what you’re really voting for, is one of them.

Confused? Don’t worry. Even most seasoned citizens don’t quite understand how it works, making this the most requested “Explaining … to Foreigners and Children” guide I’ve never wanted to write. Nevertheless, here is the Electoral College.  Continue reading Take it from Snee: Explaining the U.S. Electoral College to foreigners, children

Romney can point to not one, but two gay friends

Let it never be said that Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney doesn’t have the support of Republican gays. In fact, he has two of their support.

Just to clarify: that’s two individual gay and lesbian members of the directing board for GOProud. The other two gay board members voted against endorsing Romney over his support for the Federal Marriage Amendment, yet the decision passed by a bare majority. So, it’s a gay Republican organization … that doesn’t much care about gay Republican rights. Just Republican talking points. But it’s a gay organization, not just plain old Republicans. Yet, three of the board members are straight, which is cool, but two of them just voted against gay marriage, and one wouldn’t take a stand on an issue that would probably matter to a gay political organization …

You know what? We’ll let you sort it all out, readers. Frankly, we can’t make tops or bottoms out of it.

Activate Republi-Bot 2012!

After years weeks of trying to find a candidate that can beat President Barack Obama in the 2012 election, Gallup has delivered one that finally ties in poll numbers: Generic Republican Candidate.

Yes, Generic Republican Candidate! It slices tax rates and dices spending! It prays using only widely-accepted Western practices! It demonstrates high school graduate proficiency of the English language and American history!

Just open Generic Republican Candidate’s can, and use an ordinary hair dryer to remove the wrinkles from its flag pin-adorned suit and power tie in mere seconds! It comes with everything you see here and an unassailable military record!

Generic Republican Candidate: You can trust it because it’s clearly labeled “Made in America.”*

*Parts made in China, assembled in India and delivered by Mexicans.

Fine! Maybe Georgia will have change to spare

With the economy heading down the tubes and the presidential election less than two weeks away, candidates are more in need of campaign funding but voters are more reluctant to give it to them. This, like so many other once-proud American jobs, the position of campaign financer is being outsourced overseas.

Russia’s envoy to the U.N. received a letter from the campaign of Sen. John McCain on Monday, asking for a donation of anywhere from $35 to $5,000. In the letter, McCain said he would be proud to serve the Russian envoy. Russia turned down the offer to donate. The McCain campaign said it was a mix-up on the mailing list.

The campaign added the slogan “Country First” does not declare which country comes first.

Take it from Snee: The McCain Saboteur

OK, I’ve kept my mouth (fingers?) shut–politically–since the Democratic primary. I mean, there isn’t much to this presidential race right now.

In the one corner, you’ve got Barack Obama. He’s young, black, has only served in Congress for four years and is a Democrat. Despite all of that, he’s running a smart campaign with few gaffes, won plenty of German votes and has managed to avoid any accusation of extra-marital affairs.

In the other corner, there’s John McCain. He’s old, white, has served in Congress for almost as long as I’ve been alive, nearly won the nomination in 2000 and is a Republican AND war vet. Sure, he’s had his mix-ups like outdated geography and screwing up the dance steps to the Macarena, but that’s been the winning formula since 1789, when George Washington shooed the first kids off the South Lawn.

So, no offense to Senator Obama, but why on Earth is McCain looking so bad? Is he really this clueless, or is there someone sabotaging his campaign? Continue reading Take it from Snee: The McCain Saboteur

Paris Hilton in 2008

Did you see the television ad from the McCain campaign last week? Paris Hilton certainly did, and was surprised to find herself featured in it, along with Sen. Barack Obama and Britney Spears. The ad, which Sen. John McCain has since defended, paints Obama as a celebrity unworthy of being president.

Normally, the SG Election Team, The Most Greatest Election Coverage Team Since The Dawn of Time®, would not give two hoots about what Hilton is up to, but it seems she has taken the McCain ad to heart and is throwing her hat into the ring.

Hilton has responded this week with her own ad, released online, where she announces that she must be running for president if she is mentioned in an ad, so she might as well start campaigning. Not much is known about Hilton’s politics, or even if she knows that they are, but one thing is certain: she is the first presidential contender to wear lip gloss since Jimmy Carter.

Remember: aim for the head

Folks, there is a lot at stake in this November’s election. But somehow the stakes just got higher. This election, has now heard from another demographic, but this time one that we should fear. We’ll let the headline speak for itself:

Dead veterans happy to rock again for Obama

Yes, zombies seem to have endorsed Sen. Barack Obama. Worst of all, these zombies seem to have military training and musical prowess. This is the worst kind of zombie. It is a bigger threat than simply running for office, stealing money from us or acting, they are trained to kill and much worse, jam for 20 minutes on the same song. Citizens, we need to hunt down the undead now!

You Missed It: Insatiable appetite edition

Welcome to Friday. Though the summer may be coming on strong, oppressively strong in some areas, the news is not slowing a bit this week. If you live anywhere near the Mississippi River, odds are you missed it.

Maybe Obama will choose you
Though the race between Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. Hillary Clinton ended only a week ago, the news media wanted more. Since the results were announced, Obama has been hounded by reporters left and right asking who he will choose to run on the ticket with him. Earlier this week, Obama asked the media to cool it with the veep talk, saying during a press conference, “Look at the ball! Look at the ball! You want the ball? Yeah? Go get it! Go get that ball!”

The Incarcerated Hulk
Terry Bollea, better known as Mrs. Hulk Hogan, is half of what is shaping up to be the most exciting celebrity divorce of the year. Bollea wants Hogan jailed for not paying his share of payments on a condo in Las Vegas the couple had bought when they were not on the verge of ending things. The Hulk’s camped fired back that she is dating a teenager. There’s no punchline, not even a funny rant about wrestling or American Gladiators. It’s all true.

They’re still good for throwing at comedians
The Centers for Disease Control said this week that a total of 228 cases of illness have been reported in the U.S. as a result of salmonella-carrying tomatoes. In response to this, restaurants across the country have been pulling tomatoes from their dishes in the interest of public safety. See, Mom? I don’t have to eat my vegetables.

‘Wuts up, cndy pnts?’
Jim Gibbons, the Governor of Nevada, apologized Wednesday for sending around 860 text messages to a woman not his soon to be ex-wife on a state-owned cell phone. But Gibbons stopped short of calling the text messages “love letters.” Gibbons told the media, “I’m an old man, I don’t know how to write flowery love letters on this contraption. Besides, time is short, I keep my texts quick and dirty.”

McCain vows to ‘veto every single beer’

Sen. John McCain seems to be courting the Baptist vote again while turning against what people know him as. Earlier today, he told the National Small Business Summit that he would nix beer if he is elected president.

“I will use the veto as needed. I will veto every single beer–bill with earmarks,” McCain said.

Let us repeat that. John McCain is anti-alcohol.

Sure, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee played it off as a slip of the tongue, but we know what is really going on. He is getting farther and farther away from who he truly is, a hard-drinking, foul-mouthed sailor and prisoner of war that we all found so lovable in the 2000 primaries.

To be fair, McCain went on to talk about how he would only use the veto for stuff that came across his desk. One can take this to mean that he won’t let Congress buy him drinks because he’s not that kind of girl. But what happens if he doesn’t get elected? In what will he drown his sorrows?

Watch for the spin doctors trying to say he means he won’t drink on the job.