Walk like an Egyptian amputee

“Wiggle your big t — oh.”

So, this is pretty cool. Archaeologists found a 3,000-year-old fancy prosthetic big toe in the Sheikh ´Abd el-Qurna tomb in Egypt back in 1997. After studying it, they found that it is remarkably advanced, being able to hold up body weight, flex and help the person it was fitted to walk relatively normally.

It also let the ancient one-percenter daughter of a priest continue wearing flip-flops, demonstrating the world’s oldest recorded case of #firstworldproblems. (Technically, this would be a #newkingdomproblem, amiright?)

So, good news if you need to fake your own ransom for money, time-travelling Bunny Lebowski.

Priest arraigned for blunderbus

"Take aim, fellas! There's a school bus full of Steelers fans!"
“Take aim, fellas! There’s a school bus full of Steelers fans!”

Rivalry between football fans can get intense this time of year. How intense? Priests with muskets intense — a level of animosity unseen in this country since the U.S. Civil War.

The Rev. Kevin Carter, a Giants fan, was arraigned Tuesday after a witness reported that he pointed an unloaded (but functioning) musket at an 8-year-old Cowboys fan at St. Margaret of Cortona Roman Catholic Church in Little Ferry, N.J.

Sure, Rev. Carter might have failed to observe the most basic of tenet gun safety: treating every gun like it’s loaded, especially when it takes forever to reload after accidentally firing it at a child. But, everyone at his church was OK with it, probably relieved actually. Most of the time, when a story begins with a priest pulling a boy into a rectory and putting him against a wall, it rarely ends with him pointing a gun at the kid.

Love, love them don’t

The Vatican posted a new set of rules on its Web site today for how to handle pedophile cases. Apparently, the rule now is to report them to the police.

The quick response–a mere two weeks after reports started turning up in the news concerning Pope Benedict’s wild and heady days as a young archbishop–stunned critics as the Church normally embraces new ideas, like our heliocentric solar system, once every 500 years.

And just to drive the point home about forgiveness, the Vatican followed up this announcement with another one forgiving The Beatles.

Take it from Snee: Shut up and take it

My entreaties for peace fell on deaf ears (deaf eyes?) last week. I offered you people spaghetti and puppies, but look at us now: talking about potentially fighting in the streets if conditions are just right. We’re on the verge of a revolutionary civil world war, and it’s all because some people refuse to stop talking about threats.

Oh, did you think I was gonna take your side in this, Democrats and people who don’t like to be touched? No freakin’ way.

There are institutions to protect, practices to defend, and you have called down the thunder by daring to speak your opinion and effect change. And then, when we respond like a rational mob, you dare to accuse us of getting violent or angry?

Well. Conservative activists, Catholic apologists, school bullies and now I, Rick Snee, have had enough of your backtalk. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Shut up and take it

Correlation vs. causation and your priest

Congratulations on your recent adoption of a Catholic priest! Millions of people worldwide have made your choice in religious leader adoption, many because of the ease of care priests require:

  • Priests do not eat large meals. In fact, you can feed them the same bland diet of crackers and wine if you convince them there are USDA-graded chunks of Jesus inside.
  • Priests are not slaves to fashion. Their natural black coats should suffice in most environments. On fancy occasions, a hand-me-down smock should provide adequate body temperature regulation.
  • Priests do not require sexual stimulation. Preternaturally demure, priests do not require the comforts of wives or girlfriends.*

*There have been recent cases over the past 200 years of priests “expressing their sex organs” on children in the home. While experts are divided on what prompts this behavior by certain priests, Christoph Schönborn–the Archbishop of Vienna–believes that celibacy may “allow no outlet for priests’ sexual urges.”

Of course, this does not account for priests only exhibiting untoward advances to children. So, the jury’s still out on whether some priests become pedophiles or if some pedophiles become priests.

Just to be safe, you should always neuter your priest before introducing it into a home with small, easily-knocked-over children. It also saves the furniture from embarrassing stains.

Great, now the Internet’s unsafe for children

Pope Benedict XVI has asked Catholic ministers and priests to use the Internet to spread the gospel. Ben (and only we are allowed to call him that) cited the Church’s adoption of other media like books, television and weekly wine tastings as justification to moving online.

We can see a couple of flaws to this plan:

  1. The priests who are already Web savvy are also already on Chris Hansen’s watchlist.
  2. The priests who aren’t online will have trouble setting up blogs and Web sites since they never had children to do it for them. (This is also why the clergy doesn’t use DVRs and their clocks always read “88:88.”)

Still, we think His Holiness is on the right track and welcome him and his brethren to the ’90s.

Branding: Make it work for you

Funny, she doesn't look Muslim.

We all know that, sometimes, the right name will open doors. Brock Chesterton. Shirley Willgodown. The Right-On Feel-Great Underwear Company.

But, what if you’re one of those freedom-fighter/terrorist organizations, and the government believes you may have kidnapped a priest? You need a good name: something mildly threatening, but that people are willing to negoatiate with.

And that is how a freed Irish prist was able to clear the MILF from any wrongdoing.

Bonus Quote:
“Interior Secretary Ronaldo Puno agreed on Wednesday to let the MILF facilitate [Fr. Michael] Sinnott’s release.”

Our priests don’t fake it … right?

This blog is appalled at a Florence, Italy, priest who faked exorcisms.  Other priests reading this may wonder, “What’s the big deal?  Everybody fakes it sometimes.  It was still a nice possession.”

Well, we’re glad you wondered that.  The Guys put a lot of stock in our ability to conjure demons and want to think that you’re having a good time expelling them from our bodies.  We want to know that all your squirming around, screaming and praying are the real deal, not some patronizing gesture so we’ll stop vomiting on you.

At the very least, please tell us if we’re not hitting that special spot.  We’ll step it up a notch: walking on ceilings, offering more of our bodies …. We’re not even opposed to shouting dirty talk at you.

However, let’s not go too far.  We’re not wearing that.