For over a year the Democrats have patted themselves on the back for having a civil and intelligent primary season, compared to the dick-joke fest hosted by Republican presidential hopefuls. Finally, we get to see that all change.
Bernie Sanders supporters plan to protest Hillary Clinton’s nomination acceptance speech by farting a lot. A Philadelphia-based poverty activist says she will invite delegates won by Sanders, supporters of Sanders and even the disheveled one himself, to attend a bean-heavy dinner during the Democratic National Convention in July. The attendees can then head over to the event and protest Clinton’s win by farting a lot.
The smelly protest may go unnoticed, however, as the convention is being held in Philadelphia.
Somehow I’m more turned off by the Democratic primaries than I do the GOP race. I find the Republican race of more consequence and much, much cruder, but out of nowhere, the Dems and their supporters have become intolerable. This week alone we had Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton trying to out-New York each other. Nothing says “I’m in touch with real Americans” like a pissing match for the most self-important city in the U.S. Then there are your Facebook friends who post 18 things a day about how great Sanders is, and how THE MEDIA IS AGAINST US, MAN! The media are a bunch of outlets with no common agenda, other than entertaining you. Blaming your problems on them is like blaming your fart on the dog. If you were busy (finally) retiring from basketball this week, odds are you missed it.
Taking the law into his own hands
It was revealed this week that as Texas solicitor general in 2007, Ted Cruz penned a 76-page brief with the U.S. Court of Appeals defending a state ban on the sale of sex toys. He unsuccessfully argued that Americans have no legal right to stimulate their own genitals–no, really. Folks, if we have the right to bear arms, we certainly have the right to hairy palms.
Time to probe some aliens
A group of investors and scientists, including Mark Zuckerberg, Russian billionaire Yuri Milner and famed physicist Stephen Hawking this week announced an initiative to send a bunch of tiny probes to Alpha Centauri, the closest star system to Earth. The nanocraft would travel four light-years in about two decades. So let the record show that when the Centaurian War is over, we fired first.
Use of electronic devices is now permitted
This week, AMC Theaters floated an idea to allow cell phone use at certain designated shows, arguing that it would be more appealing to younger moviegoers. The proposal was met with such strong criticism that AMC announced a day later that it was killing the idea. To which younger moviegoers said, “We know, we saw it on Twitter like an hour ago.”
I can’t wrap my head around leap days. I understand that we get ahead by about six hours every year, and we add on an extra day every four years to compensate for it, but what are we ahead of? It’s not like two years ago, when we were 12 hours ahead, the sun was setting in the morning. If our current method of time keeping is so off, why don’t we just fix it. Have minutes last 100 seconds or something. If you were busy this week coming back to Earth after nearly a year in space, odds are you missed it.
Superman wins 0 states on Super Tuesday
This week, voters in 12 states voted in their states’ primaries, or causes, or whatever they thought was a good idea for selecting a candidate to run for president. Donald Trump pulled further away from fellow Republicans, as the wave of antidisestablishmentarianism continues to sweep through conservative voters. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders won a few states, making the 24-year-long plot line of Hillary Clinton interesting for another few weeks. Not to editorialize, but I think we’re taking our fascination with end-of-the-world shows and movies a little too far.
Rare cards date back to when baseball was entertaining
It was announced this week that seven rare Ty Cobb baseball cards were found in a paper bag in an old house, and they are indeed authentic. Until now, only 15 such cards were known to exist. Experts authenticated find by examining the ink and aging of the cards, as well as whether they made the right sound when put in bicycle spokes.
Snow race races to get snow
Speaking of sports, Anchorage, Alaska has had such a warm winter this year that snow has to be brought in by railroad just so the Iditarod can start this weekend. This has been “News That Sounds Like It’s From 1892.”
Today is election day in Canada. Our friends are going to the polls today to decide who is going to run their country. But who cares about Canada? We’re just 13 months away from the U.S. presidential election, so let’s focus on that instead.
If your Facebook feed is any indication, it’s primary season, and that’s super important. We as Americans get the rare treat of directly choosing who will head the executive branch of our federal government for a period of four years. On top of that, the current guy isn’t eligible for another term, which means that both parties are trying to figure out who to run. It’s double the excitement, and it’s doubly important we get involved in the process. After all, our country’s future is at stake.
“I will use the veto as needed. I will veto every single beer–bill with earmarks,” McCain said.
Let us repeat that. John McCain is anti-alcohol.
Sure, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee played it off as a slip of the tongue, but we know what is really going on. He is getting farther and farther away from who he truly is, a hard-drinking, foul-mouthed sailor and prisoner of war that we all found so lovable in the 2000 primaries.
To be fair, McCain went on to talk about how he would only use the veto for stuff that came across his desk. One can take this to mean that he won’t let Congress buy him drinks because he’s not that kind of girl. But what happens if he doesn’t get elected? In what will he drown his sorrows?
Watch for the spin doctors trying to say he means he won’t drink on the job.
The primaries are now over, finally. Once again, I was right. As I predicted after the Iowa caucus, the two winners there would go on to be the presidential candidates. I predicted the outcome correctly, Barack Obama snagged the Democratic ticket, while Mike Huckabee won it months ago for the Republican (presumed) nomination.
The one thing I was wrong about was that the primaries would be over in a heartbeat. Hey, you can’t get them all, but where else can you turn for such dead-on election analysis? Luckily, I suggested making drinking games out of the process to help pass the time. You are probably thankful you can take a Tuesday night off from blacking out. Continue reading →
Hey, Illinois, what’s shaking? Sorry, earthquake jokes are only a few shades better than flood/hurricane jokes. If you were in an area affected by a natural disaster this week, odds are you missed it.
Sen. Hillary Clinton gained a bit of momentum as she won the Pennsylvania Democratic primary election, defeating Sen. Barack Obama by more than ten percentage points. The Clinton camp and the news media were overjoyed by the news, while Obama and the rest of the U.S. groaned at the thought of having to go through with this crap for several more months.
Cindy McCain on ‘The View’
Wife of likely Republican presidential nominee Cindy McCain appeared on ABC’s “The View” Monday to dispel rumors that her husband, Sen. John McCain, has anger issues. She said voters should not be worried about an angry man in the White House with his finger on the trigger because he only uses the C-bomb on her when he has to.
‘Blade’ behind bars
Actor Wesley Snipes was convicted of not filing his taxes and sentenced to three years in prison. When reached for comment, Snipes said he regretted hiring Willie Nelson as his accountant.
Three NYPD detectives were acquitted Friday of shooting a man outside of a strip club a few hours before his wedding. Over 50 bullets were fired by police. Finally, law enforcement officers have received a fair trial in the shooting death of an unarmed black man.
Cult of personality–a term used when referring to a leader that trades on charisma more than substance. Often, there can be a frenzy around such a person and the media are all too happy to play around, turning it into a firestorm of personality.
Luckily, this blog is not about furthering stuff like that. We are also convinced Americans do not purely follow leaders based on their personalities, just look at our current president. Fortunately, the term does not apply to Sen. Barack Obama, either. No one’s been writing songs about crushes on the married man and certainly no one is putting his breakfast up for auction on eBay.
Wait, that may not be true. Recently, Obama’s half-eaten waffle breakfast that he ordered at a diner in Scranton, Pennsylvania was put up for auction on eBay, sparking an Internet sensation. People are now trying to capitalize on the buzz by selling waffle-related things such as Web site rights and paintings.
The Guys are very serious political analysts, so we are not going to further glorify this story by reporting it or even mentioning it on our blog.
There are two things the U.S. loves to do: run for office and throw people in jail. Sometimes, they are even the same thing (see: Marion Barry). Idaho happens to be one of these states united, and it also happens to enjoy holding elections every now and then.
Keith Russell Judd is a man with a dream. He’s a democrat who finally got himself on the Idaho primary ballot running for president. Though only 49, Judd believes he has what it takes to lead. His name will be right up there will Sens. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.
As it turns out, Judd is currently doing time in a federal prison in Texas, which means legally he can’t even vote for himself. He won’t be out of prison until 2013. So should Judd be elected president, he will not be able to serve his first term in the White House, that is unless he pardons himself.
It’s an election year, and that means if you’re running for a certain office in the executive branch of the federal government, it’s time to choose your running mate. Now, though it may be April, there’s a chance your political party has not yet nominated you as their candidate because you don’t have enough electoral votes. Pay no heed to that! It never hurts to plan ahead. Just like cleaning your bathroom, if you get it done now, that’s one less thing you’ll have to worry about before the big party.
History has taught us many important things in choosing a potential vice president. The Guys are constitutional experts on this subject. For example: did you know that the VP’s only real job is to babysit the U.S. Senate, while calling the White House every 24 hours to see if president is still breathing? Now, with our expertise demonstrated, we present to you, how to choose a running mate. Continue reading →