British PM fails to drown sheep

Only farmer Julian Tustian was happy to see that British PM Cameron failed to kill Swampy. (Why do sheep farmers wear camouflage? Ewe don't want to know.)
Only farmer Julian Tustian was happy to see that British PM Cameron failed to kill Swampy. (Why do sheep farmers wear camouflage? Ewe don’t want to know.)

Politically, it seems that British Prime Minister David Cameron can’t do anything right. His economy sucks and his poll numbers are sinking fast. And now? He can’t drown a sheep, not even with the help of two police bodyguards and Grade A swamp mud.

‘When I got there, David (Cameron) was in the swamp, waist-deep in mud, along with the two police,’ farmer Julian Tustian told the Daily Telegraph. ‘He was brilliant, pulling, pushing and shoving. He was covered in mud, he looked a mess.’

Nevertheless, the sheep got free and will live as a constant reminder of Cameron’s failure to drown nature’s third dumbest mammal. (The first two are ibexes and guinea pigs.) Until the U.K. repairs this leadership vacuum, the U.S. will not be able to trust them as an ally in the War on Animals, no matter how many critters they bake into pies.

Bad form, India

British Prime Minister David Cameron stressed that he needs the stone to bring back Lord Voldemort, who is currently residing on the back of his head.
British Prime Minister David Cameron stressed that he needs the stone to bring back Lord Voldemort, who is currently residing on the back of his head.

While wrapping up his visit to India, British Prime Minister David Cameron addressed India’s request for the return of one of the world’s largest diamonds, the 105-carat Koh-i-Noor. Mr. Cameron stressed that now was not the time to dwell on the past, but to focus on India and the U.K.’s economic future together.

Besides, the diamond is busy holding together a crown for the no-longer-necessary British monarch and attracting tourists to a musty historic site. Live in the now, India!

Oh, Canada / Who knew that you are governed?

In the midst of U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon’s busiest week of the year — the U.N. General Assembly — he received a call from what very well could have been the Canadian Prime Minister. Sure, it turned out to be two French Canadian radio disk jockeys, but could you pass that test?

And, in related news: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad pulled a double-whammy on Israel this week. First, he used his entire allotted speaking time before the General Assembly to accuse Israel of trying to drum up a war. Then afterwards, he and his 100-member entourage tried to steal All The Savings at Payless and Costco.

Ahmadinejad responded to reporters outside of Payless, telling the American media to “tell your Jewish masters that, despite their attempts to derail our programs, the Islamic Republic of Iran has obtained Hush-Puppies at wholesale prices.”

The British just drink better than us

The British are famous for their drinking prowess, having drained Germany dry of beer during the 2006 World Cup. (They only, however, placed 7th in actual soccer-playing that year.)

So, how do you become a champion of boozing on the world stage? The same way the Chinese do in gymnastics: by training from an early age. And Britain’s future looks bright, indeed, after eight-year-old Nancy Cameron outlasted her father, U.K. Prime Minister David Cameron, at the pub on Sunday.

Eight years old, people. Fortunately, The Guys have launched an early child development product for U.S. moms: Baby Merlot — because you can learn to drink in the womb.

The Chronicles of Argentina: The Voyage of the H.M.S. Dauntless

Nearly two years ago, we brought you news of a possible re-ignition of the United Kingdom and Argentina’s war over the Falkland Islands. Well, while things are getting spicier down there (the only way the Argentines know how), it looks like this war will be served cold, which is the best way to enjoy UKFC Extra Crispy Puffin the next day.

The recent assignment of a warship carrying Prince William to the islands for war games has led the Argentinean government to call Bill a conquistador. This is a grave insult because it implies his new bride gave him smallpox. And recent bans by an alliance of South American nations on an ships bearing Falklands flags led British Prime Minister David Cameron accusing Argentine President Cristina Fernandez of “colonialist” aims at retaking the island.

Between the Argentines’ Spanish conquistador heritage and the U.K.’s history of colonialism, pots and kettles everywhere are at risk of fighting the war these two nations are dancing around.

If you want to frolic, man, just frolic

We’re not saying that Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin is obsessed with his manly image, but even when he frolics,  he  only does so accompanied by a snow leopard.

There are rumors of Putin’s alleged

  • Skipping with a mini-gun
  • Holding a tea party with the Hell’s Angels
  • Trying on wedding dresses on the wing of a mid-flight biplane
  • Inserting his tampons with a blue applicator instead of the girly pink one

But all sources for these are no longer available for comment.

Berlusconi proves the rapiest wit

Silvio Berlusconi, the Guys’ favorite Italian prime minister, commented to newspaper La Repubblica that he is 74 years old and “even though I may be a bit of a rascal … 33 girls in two months seems to me too much even for a 30 year old ….”

On top!” he added after a scripted dramatic pause.

Berlusconi then passed out Italian high-fives to all in attendance, which are like normal high-fives, but inside of an underage prostitute.

Bunga-Bungasconi!

It’s Friday afternoon, so we figured we’d give you little hornballs out there a dose of bunga-bunga.

Embattled Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi faces more and more pressure everyday to step down. Women protesters have called for his resignation, prosecutors want to try him for underage prostitution, and the parliament is considering bumping up their elections.

To all of this, Berlusconi replied: “[No] one can rule better than me.”

He followed that up with: “I mean, name one prime minister who has loved women more than me.”

Italy’s tired of your s%@t

Italy is at war, a war against indecency.

Mayors are using new powers granted by the Prime Minister to combat the social ills plaguing their towns. No more will peaceful townsfolk have to endure the brazen delinquency of … miniskirts?

Mayor Luigi Bobbio of Castellammare di Stabia has invoked his anti-anti-social rites to outlaw revealing clothing, sunbathing, playing football (not what you think) in public places and–in case you were planning to curse after receiving your fine–blasphemy.

Other Italian towns have cracked down on the very practices that once destroyed their empire, including “sandcastles, kissing in cars, feeding stray cats, wooden clogs and the use of lawn mowers at weekends.”

New moral order, folks. Take your debauchery very quietly elsewhere.

Another one bites the dust

Yukio Hatoyama is OUTTA HE-AH. Japan has managed to lose yet another Prime Minister fall after less than a year of service. Ever since Junichiro Koizumi, no man seems to be able to stand up to the challenges of managing the Japanese government.

Eight months since sweeping into office under the notion of “hope” and “change” from the Liberal Democratic Party (boy, that sounds vaguely familiar), the Democratic Party of Japan quickly quagmired itself on issue after issue, the most contentious internationally being the relocation of the Futenma base in Okinawa. Domestically, Hatoyama’s reign was cut off at the knees thanks to a number of corruption scandals and the DPJ’s shadow leader, Ichiro Ozawa. Squabbles were constant and the jaded public didn’t seem to care about that-but all the hope and change that was promised was not getting done.

Hatoyama said:

“Unfortunately, the politics of the ruling party did not find reflection in the hearts of the people. It is regrettable that the people were gradually unwilling to listen to us.”

The party plans to meet on Friday to choose a new Prime Minister, since the DPJ still holds a commanding lead in the Diet. Naoto Kan, the Finance Minister, and Katsuya Okada, the Foreign Minister, are the front-runners for the post. I’d personally like to voice my decision to nominate myself as Prime Minister of Crazy Stuff Land.

It’s not like I’d be any worse of a choice. Plus, my hair is a lot better than Hatoyama’s.