Politically, it seems that British Prime Minister David Cameron can’t do anything right. His economy sucks and his poll numbers are sinking fast. And now? He can’t drown a sheep, not even with the help of two police bodyguards and Grade A swamp mud.
‘When I got there, David (Cameron) was in the swamp, waist-deep in mud, along with the two police,’ farmer Julian Tustian told the Daily Telegraph. ‘He was brilliant, pulling, pushing and shoving. He was covered in mud, he looked a mess.’
Nevertheless, the sheep got free and will live as a constant reminder of Cameron’s failure to drown nature’s third dumbest mammal. (The first two are ibexes and guinea pigs.) Until the U.K. repairs this leadership vacuum, the U.S. will not be able to trust them as an ally in the War on Animals, no matter how many critters they bake into pies.
While wrapping up his visit to India, British Prime Minister David Cameron addressed India’s request for the return of one of the world’s largest diamonds, the 105-carat Koh-i-Noor. Mr. Cameron stressed that now was not the time to dwell on the past, but to focus on India and the U.K.’s economic future together.
Besides, the diamond is busy holding together a crown for the no-longer-necessary British monarch and attracting tourists to a musty historic site. Live in the now, India!
In the midst of U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-Moon’s busiest week of the year — the U.N. General Assembly — he received a call from what very well could have been the Canadian Prime Minister. Sure, it turned out to be two French Canadian radio disk jockeys, but could you pass that test?
And, in related news: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad pulled a double-whammy on Israel this week. First, he used his entire allotted speaking time before the General Assembly to accuse Israel of trying to drum up a war. Then afterwards, he and his 100-member entourage tried to steal All The Savings at Payless and Costco.
Ahmadinejad responded to reporters outside of Payless, telling the American media to “tell your Jewish masters that, despite their attempts to derail our programs, the Islamic Republic of Iran has obtained Hush-Puppies at wholesale prices.”
Nearly two years ago, we brought you news of a possible re-ignition of the United Kingdom and Argentina’s war over the Falkland Islands. Well, while things are getting spicier down there (the only way the Argentines know how), it looks like this war will be served cold, which is the best way to enjoy UKFC Extra Crispy Puffin the next day.
The recent assignment of a warship carrying Prince William to the islands for war games has led the Argentinean government to call Bill a conquistador. This is a grave insult because it implies his new bride gave him smallpox. And recent bans by an alliance of South American nations on an ships bearing Falklands flags led British Prime Minister David Cameron accusing Argentine President Cristina Fernandez of “colonialist” aims at retaking the island.
Between the Argentines’ Spanish conquistador heritage and the U.K.’s history of colonialism, pots and kettles everywhere are at risk of fighting the war these two nations are dancing around.
Silvio Berlusconi, the Guys’ favorite Italian prime minister, commented to newspaper La Repubblica that he is 74 years old and “even though I may be a bit of a rascal … 33 girls in two months seems to me too much even for a 30 year old ….”
“On top!” he added after a scripted dramatic pause.
Berlusconi then passed out Italian high-fives to all in attendance, which are like normal high-fives, but inside of an underage prostitute.
It’s Friday afternoon, so we figured we’d give you little hornballs out there a dose of bunga-bunga.
Embattled Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi faces more and more pressure everyday to step down. Women protesters have called for his resignation, prosecutors want to try him for underage prostitution, and the parliament is considering bumping up their elections.
To all of this, Berlusconi replied: “[No] one can rule better than me.”
He followed that up with: “I mean, name one prime minister who has loved women more than me.”
Mayors are using new powers granted by the Prime Minister to combat the social ills plaguing their towns. No more will peaceful townsfolk have to endure the brazen delinquency of … miniskirts?
Mayor Luigi Bobbio of Castellammare di Stabia has invoked his anti-anti-social rites to outlaw revealing clothing, sunbathing, playing football (not what you think) in public places and–in case you were planning to curse after receiving your fine–blasphemy.
Other Italian towns have cracked down on the very practices that once destroyed their empire, including “sandcastles, kissing in cars, feeding stray cats, wooden clogs and the use of lawn mowers at weekends.”
New moral order, folks. Take your debauchery very quietly elsewhere.
Eight months since sweeping into office under the notion of “hope” and “change” from the Liberal Democratic Party (boy, that sounds vaguely familiar), the Democratic Party of Japan quickly quagmired itself on issue after issue, the most contentious internationally being the relocation of the Futenma base in Okinawa. Domestically, Hatoyama’s reign was cut off at the knees thanks to a number of corruption scandals and the DPJ’s shadow leader, Ichiro Ozawa. Squabbles were constant and the jaded public didn’t seem to care about that-but all the hope and change that was promised was not getting done.
“Unfortunately, the politics of the ruling party did not find reflection in the hearts of the people. It is regrettable that the people were gradually unwilling to listen to us.”
The party plans to meet on Friday to choose a new Prime Minister, since the DPJ still holds a commanding lead in the Diet. Naoto Kan, the Finance Minister, and Katsuya Okada, the Foreign Minister, are the front-runners for the post. I’d personally like to voice my decision to nominate myself as Prime Minister of Crazy Stuff Land.
It’s not like I’d be any worse of a choice. Plus, my hair is a lot better than Hatoyama’s.