Cats: the Bane of Rio

This plot to get revenge for Ra's al Ghul was foiled by Brazil's lack of foil-colored cats or white duct duct tape.
This plot to get revenge for Ra’s al Ghul was foiled by Brazil’s lack of metallic-colored cats or white duct duct tape.

A cat (Felis diabolo) was caught trying to sneak escape tools into a Brazilian prison, Arapiraca. It had concealed a saw, a mobile phone, drills, an earphone, a memory card, batteries and a phone charger on its non-person with duct tape.

Authorities suspect all 263 inmates at the prison, but can’t get the cat to name names.

‘It’s tough to find out who’s responsible for the action as the cat doesn’t speak,’ a prison spokesperson told local paper Estado de S.Paulo.

If this is a plot by cats to break prisoners out and unleash havoc in Brazil, then one of their ringleaders got this cat’s tongue. It’s probably just as well because you know its voice would have sounded ridiculous, maybe like Celebrity Jeopardy Sean Connery wearing a Darth Vader mask.

Song now corrected to state botulism is the sweetest thing in the world

There are many, many, MANY reasons why someone should not drink prison booze. The most prevalent one should be that putting something in your body called ‘toilet wine’ cannot end well. Along with this are the questionable ingredients, the manner in which it’s made, and oh yeah, once again, it’s called ‘toilet wine.’

Nonetheless, if you need another reason, let me give one very legitimate one: botulism.

That’s right, the poison that’s also put into your eyebrows was potentially found in seven inmates in Arizona thanks to the homemade hooch that was made in a cell. The CDC has released the anti-toxin to the prison, but people, if it’s not sealed, just don’t drink it.

Thai government politely asks bloggers to refrain from criticism

Thailand — the pederasty capital of the world — has imprisoned an American citizen, Joe Gordon, for the crime of insulting the curry-farting Thai monarchy online. Gordon was sentenced to a reduced sentence of two and a half years for posting translations from a book about the family (who also enjoy the smell of those farts) while living in the U.S. over two years ago.

Although Gordon is the first American sent to prison by Thailand for insulting their presumably inbred royalty, at least two others have also been jailed this year. One was a 61-year-old grandmother, who will spend the next 20 years in prison for sending text messages that insulted the big-boned queen. Another person was sentenced to 13 years, where he can think long and hard about why the Thai monarchy is so thin-skinned and lily-livered.

I think the message here is pretty clear, you guys. The Thai royal family is off limits, especially

  • their four-eyed king.
  • a queen who picks her nose whenever she thinks nobody is looking.
  • and a crown prince who’s OK for a guy throws like a girl.

It’s not cool to make fun of them, OK? So, don’t do it.

Hide your pinkies!

In what can only be characterized as yet again, life imitating art, and thus, numerous direct to video movies, Japan’s top yakuza boss, Kenichi Shinoda, was released from prison after having served a sentence for illegal possession of a firearm. We’d comment on how that seems like a weak thing to be put in the hoose-gow over, but we’re a-scared of ninjas. It doesn’t help that Shinoda is the head of the Yamaguchi-gumi, the nation’s largest yakuza organization, with around 35,000 members.

In 2009, a huge police crackdown lead to the disruption of the gang’s activities, but not before Shinoda greatly expanded the Yamaguchi-gumi’s influence by making deals with other gangs. And while Shinoda may be a gang leader, you kind of have to be in awe of a guy who previously went to jail for killing a “rival” with a samurai sword. That’s pretty bad-ass, even if it’s Highlander-ish in origin.

Shinoda is now heading home to Kobe, though I’m sure the arms of the Yamaguchi-gumi are warmly awaiting him. We gladly think that “Boss Shinoda” is an awesome name please don’t kill us.

Prison break–in

Some people in the world hate freedom, as the American government is happy to remind us from time to time, but there are also people who hate their own freedom.

A man convicted of manslaughter earlier this year was sentenced to 15 years of prison for trying to break into jail. Yes, into. The man apparently was afraid the family of his victim would harm him, and decided to break into a jail in Florida to keep himself safe. Breaking into jail is a crime, for some reason, but this probably doesn’t happen very often.

Magic missiles can’t save you from being shanked

Kevin T. Singer is currently serving a life sentence for murdering his sister’s boyfriend. He’s also challenging the prison’s rights to take away his Dungeons & Dragons. If you murder someone, isn’t that because of D&D, rather than playing D&D as a result of murdering someone?

Singer had been playing D&D with the coolest group of convicts in the Waupun Correctional Institute since 2002. In 2004, however, the prison banned the game after an anonymous inmate complained that Singer and his friends were forming a “gang” around the game. Which is understandable, as nothing says intimidation like an imaginary axe named Blood Saker that has a bludgeoning addition of +10. As such, his game and reference materials were then confiscated by prison guards, on the grounds that they promoted “fantasy role playing, competitive hostility, violence, addictive escape behaviors, and possible gambling”.

Singer appealed the prison’s decision, but earlier this week 7th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals rejected his pleas, on the grounds that “punishment is a fundamental aspect of imprisonment”. Saving throw failed.

But are the prison outfits colored plaid?

We’ve heard all the reports of prisoners getting totally sweet perks like cable television, satellite, game consoles and other luxuries that a lot people not in jail normally can’t afford to have. If you’re one of those people that feels righteous indignation about those events, hold onto your hat. There is a plan by the Scottish prison system to raise “literacy” and “numeracy” skills among its prison population by giving the inmates access to Nintendo DS systems. DUM DUM DUM.

The program would be tested in a small number of prison libraries and would involve literacy experts working with the prisoners. Prison officials note that inmates already have access to PlayStations, so going with the DS is seen as consistent and, perhaps, an improvement.

The devices, fitted with “brain training” software, will be put on trial on the advice of Scottish government officials who believe they will reduce the chances of the prisoners reoffending after they have served their sentences by improving their employment prospects. A government study into the education of prisoners, Learning in Custody: Report of the Offender Learning in Custody Workstream, concluded that convicts would benefit from the devices, which are currently being used in many primary schools to raise attainment.

However, not everyone is hunkey dorey with this plan. A Scottish group representing taxpayers calls the plan “ridiculous,” given that many Sottish citizens can’t even afford DSes for their kids in this current economic climate. If they stopped serving haggis, they might get somewhere,  though.

You know who else supported highways?

The Neo-Nazis may be cleaning up a town near you!

Did that just send chills down your spine? Then shame on you, because at least one branch of America’s Nazi Party has adopted a 1 mile stretch of highway in a Denver suburb.

It’s a win-win situation.

As Doug Neal, the group’s spokesfuhrer, put it, they’ll be seen “doing good things,” much like the sentiment of Hitler “doing good things” for Germany before those things were overshadowed by trifles like genocide and waging a war of global domination.

And, the suburb is allegedly relieved since the previous highway clean-up was performed by members of the Aryan Brotherhood from the local prison. At least these Nazis aren’t convicted felons, right?

We’ve learned nothing from ‘The Usual Suspects’

So, in any prisoner transfer, you’d figure there’s a pretty intense search of the convict: mouth, clothing, probably even their anus … You’d think there’d also be a test for mobility.

The escapist had even previously used the wheelchair, which he ran out of during his escape, to pin his wife against a wall and stab her with a makeshift knife.

Maybe add a kick to the legs or even a tickle test, that’s all we’re saying.

You Missed It: Caught in a pickle edition

Sometimes at the end of the week I find it hard to concentrate. But this Friday is harder than most. You see, I was at one of those Windows 7 launch parties last night, and let me tell you, it was wild. I am so hung over I am considering never drinking and downloading an operating system ever again. Let’s just say my stomach has uploaded several times. If you were busy flying past your airport this week, odds are you missed it.

The only baseball suspension that doesn’t involve steroids
Steve Phillips works at ESPN’s “Baseball Tonight,” but baseball wasn’t the only night activity he had, and now it’s lead to his suspension. Phillips, 46, had an affair with Brooke Hundley, a 22-year old coworker. It wasn’t even his first affair, but what happened this time was he had the mistake of dating a crazy person who left angry notes on his front door and put an ad on Craigslist offering $50 to harass his wife. Getting called out at home is never fun.

Earhart is still missing
The movie Amelia opens today, amid less than stellar reviews. Critics say the lines are terrible, there is little character development, and the dude who plays Amelia Earhart doesn’t even look like her. Personally, I’d like to see Charles Lindbergh’s life get made into a movie. Not only is there a kidnapping, but there are Nazis, too!

A Sicilian builder serving a term on house arrest for dumping hazardous waste asked to be transferred back to prison to finish the rest of his sentence in prison. The reason: he wanted to get away from arguments with his wife. I–I don’t know what to say. There’s no punchline for this one. It really happened.