Tag: prison

Bernie Madoff free to con again in 150 years

In what must be the most disappointing sentence in the history of U.S. criminal justice, Bernie Madoff received a mere 150 years of prison time for his crimes of “11-count information charging securities fraud, investment adviser fraud, mail fraud, wire fraud, three counts of money laundering, false statements, perjury, false filings with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) and theft from an employee benefit plan.”

Worse, yet, is that our nation’s worst white-collar criminal will be held in a U.S. prison, which means he will have access to lawyers and other inmates. He could possibly escape or even plan more economic attacks while behind bars.

And the biggest blow of all? Thanks to this paltry slap-on-the-beRolexed-wrist, our economy is still dire. Don’t these justices understand that the Money Gods require blood?!

Knife fight!

We all know that zoos are prisons for the enemies we capture. Better yet, they give us a chance to look the enemy in the eye and know that they are defeated. But like any prison, someone’s going to get shanked behind bars.

The Calgary Zoo got a little tense recently, when a western lowland gorilla (the highland gorillas wear kilts) grabbed a knife and pointed it at another gorilla. Why? Because sometimes your cell mates need to know what’s up. No one’s sure how the knife got in there, but word is the gorilla is now in solitary for a few days until he talks.

HBO: You need to get on a new show, it’s like OZ with animals!

Teenagers: Can’t live with them, send them to prison

Like a new puppy, kids start out all right. They eat cheap, simple meals. When they bite you, it’s adorable because they don’t have teeth. When you shake them, they make an adorable gassy face as their eyes cross.

Unfortunately, like puppies, they grow out of that. (Most of the time.) What to do with a pimply squawking teenager, what … to … do …

Oh, we know! Send them to prison! And just to make sure they don’t come back to live in your basement, sentence them to stay there for life without parole!

If you are a parent and do not live in Alaska, Colorado, Kansas, New Mexico or Oregon, then your state has no penal code against sending your spawn to prison for the rest of your life. More than 2,000 households are currently adolescent-free (73 of which got rid of theirs at 13- or 14-years-old); why not yours?

And if the terrible twos are driving you to your wits’ end, there are 19 states that are able to sentence little Damien to life without parole. You may not want to make a man out of him, but there are some inmates who do!

Thanks to some meddlesome liberal do-gooders, this may be a limited time offer, so act now!

The newest line of species traitors: Inmates

We have suspected it for a long time, but now we finally have proof: the animals are helping our human prisoners escape in hopes of turning them against us! It’s a brilliant strategy, if you think about it. Our attention moves to the escapees and not the real enemy.

Our proof? Carrier pigeons have been caught smuggling in cell phone parts to prisoners in Brazil. Once, when they were our minions, they carried our important information on the battlefield. Now it seems they are against us on the battlefield of the 21st century, where there is no battlefield.

We can only assume the Verizon Wireless guy has been turned, as well.

Ransoming mom given reward

Hey, Britain!

“Pip up, stiff upper lip. What say and what ho, good morrow to you, Chris. What have you for us today?”

Just a question, Britain. A small one even. Slightly insignificant.

“Well, do spit it out, old boy. Her Royal Empire has always been gifted with intelligence. Given that the great Oxford University resides in our merry lands, why, if there’s a question that we can’t answer, then it can’t be answered by any.”

Cool. So, I just read that a British mother, who’s currently being jailed for kidnapping her very own daughter simply so that she could claim the reward money, was recently given a Playstation 3 as a reward for good behavior. Of course, I understand that those aren’t exactly cheap over in Old Blighty due to the exchange rate and all. What’s up with that? I mean, if you’re in prison, you’re there to be punished, right? Shouldn’t your reward for good behavior be not being shivved at lunch?

“I … ummm … errr … I say, why, I say, would you look at the time?! I must get back to my house! It’s time for crumpets and tea! Sally-forth, now!“

Keeping it too real

Rico Todriquez Wright was so impressed with his shooting prowess that he mentioned a victim by name in one of his rap songs. What the braggart forgot to mention is that, while he can shoot a person, he apparently can’t kill one.

The victim, Chad Blue, heard the song and played it for the police. Fortunately, he did not receive a noise citation, but only because he was presenting evidence.

Rico “Not So Suave” Wright’s phat confession landed him in prison for the next 20 years on an aggravated assault beat.

American gangs with cameras are serious business in Thailand

A much better gang member than Todd WilliamsJoke time: so, an American tourist is waving his camera (and hopefully, that’s all that he’s waving that belongs to him) in his hotel room when he gets a knock on the door. He opens the door and there’s a local cop. The cop asks him “Do you know what’s the capital of Thailand? No? You’re going to very soon. By the way, you’re under arrest.”

Now, what happens in Thailand really stays in Thailand—because if you try to film it for a porn movie, you are most assuredly going to jail (and you might be considered a “gang member” too, even if you’re probably the saddest excuse for a gang member ever.)

Fun fact:
The best thing about filming in the Valley, or for that matter, anywhere that’s not Thailand, is that your odds of ending up in a Southeast Asian prison are remarkably low.

Scurry to from Prison

There are two things the U.S. loves to do: run for office and throw people in jail. Sometimes, they are even the same thing (see: Marion Barry). Idaho happens to be one of these states united, and it also happens to enjoy holding elections every now and then.

Keith Russell Judd is a man with a dream. He’s a democrat who finally got himself on the Idaho primary ballot running for president. Though only 49, Judd believes he has what it takes to lead. His name will be right up there will Sens. Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.

As it turns out, Judd is currently doing time in a federal prison in Texas, which means legally he can’t even vote for himself. He won’t be out of prison until 2013. So should Judd be elected president, he will not be able to serve his first term in the White House, that is unless he pardons himself.