Unga bunga all night long

Buried deep within our genes is a desire to expand outward. Now, in this day and age, this desire can be expressed anywhere from cultural diversity to knowledge expansion. But 24,000 years ago, things were different.

Outward expansion for the Neanderthals may have been simply buggering the ancestors of modern man.

At least, that’s what some scientists are theorizing. Paleoanthropologist Milford Wolpoff and some of his colleagues are proposing that Neanderthals weren’t eliminated thanks to survival of the fittest, but were actually absorbed into modern man’s genetic race. Of course, considering that we’re known as modern man and not modern Neanderthal, this might not have been the strongest plan for expanding outward.

This is news that will definitely make the feminists that think men do nothing but do anything that’s out there jump for joy.

Approaching our 7 billionth customer

... and will come out of the tunnel with 500 new babies.This may be news to some of you readers, but there are a lot of people getting it on in the world. Some of them, somewhere, are most likely doing it right now (and probably with your mom).

As a result of the more … industrious nations, the Population Reference Bureau predicts that we will welcome our 7 billionth SeriouslyGuys reader into the world by 2011. What kind of Web site will they see here in 2 years?

  • One they can’t understand, for one, as they will most likely be born in India or Uganda. Also, they will be less than a year old and our humor is at an eighth grade level of sophistication.
  • There will probably be less War on Animals articles because the growing human population will have eaten most of them.
  • And perhaps the most trustworthy news site on the Internet, considering how the others throw their hosting space away on colon-cleansing ads and what Sarah Palin said on her Facebook.

And if lucky number 7 billion is reading this in our archives, welcome! If you see us flying over your abject poverty on our jet packs, be sure to wave.

Why We Fight: Ant feudalism

Or, ants are godless, sexless aristocratic dirt-mongers

It is a bleak world underground, slaving away for some feminazi despot, when you are an ant. Unless you’re one of the privileged one, born with a silver spoon between your mandibles, your entire life and income has been predetermined by an autocrat.

What we didn’t realize is that this also includes regulating your sex life.

Time reports that no ants are allowed to procreate unless they are the queen under penalty of death. Any ants caught procreating are executed for treason without title or little swap of antiseptic. The remains of God’s creatures, just trying to perform his will, are left in the open as a warning to all other ants.

This is why we fight, animal warriors. We must make the world save for democracy and picnics.