Some methy business

The 2001 national Sheriff of the Year, Patrick Sullivan, has plead guilty to trading meth for sex and will serve 38 days in the Arapahoe County, Colo., jail bearing his own name.

The only setting more ironic is The Guys’ screenplay where a time-traveling teenage Ronald Reagan is forced by 2012 truancy laws to attend a high school named after him. (He plays a minor role in the school play and ends up elected senior class president.)

Maybe next time they don’t accept PayPal?

We all crave the comeuppance of snooty people. They stand there with their noses turned up, pinky-fingers circling around and going on and on with a HARUMPH. It’s palpably delicious when their plans go awry and end up being hoisted with their own petard. For example:

Two ageing professors accused of running a sophisticated prostitution web site appeared to have one goal: they wanted to create a place where respected men like themselves could go for sex without having to worry about getting caught up in street stings.

The problem is that the internet doesn’t discriminate: it hates everyone and their attempts at circumventing the law equally. As such, when you try to provide a service for other old white dudes like yourself, prepare to see yourself on the wrong end of the law, even if the sting in question is of the internet kind.

Now, I’ve not been able to find a single story that details what the two men were professors of, but it’s safe bet that they’re not in charge of the business or IT departments.

Bunga-Bungasconi!

It’s Friday afternoon, so we figured we’d give you little hornballs out there a dose of bunga-bunga.

Embattled Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi faces more and more pressure everyday to step down. Women protesters have called for his resignation, prosecutors want to try him for underage prostitution, and the parliament is considering bumping up their elections.

To all of this, Berlusconi replied: “[No] one can rule better than me.”

He followed that up with: “I mean, name one prime minister who has loved women more than me.”

It’s amazing the favors you can get at low prices

On Friday morning, Tony Kornheiser sarcastically alluded that the French dream was to go into prostitution and save up the money for a beauty parlor. If this humorous joke is true, then the French johns are going about it all the wrong way. Currency? Legal tender? That’s for chumps. They need to follow John Johnson Jr.’s example and instead pay for lovin’ with candy.

No, really.

Johnson, a jail nurse, is being accused of assaulting seven female inmates. How did he keep them quiet? He used the same items that women have fallen for ever since the beginning of time-candy and soda.

We can only assume that the incredibly low standards of the inmates eventually rose up when he mistakenly approached a livabetic diabetic prisoner about a deal.

Seeya, Las Vegas

NEWSFLASH: If you say that it’s irresponsible to blow your savings in Las Vegas, then their mayor will never be your friend!

That’s the lesson President Barack Obama has learned as Mayor Oscar “Unfortunate First Name” Goodman has rebuffed his visit to Las Vegas. Goodman refused to greet the President at the airport and has publicly declined any meetings until Obama calls to “rectify the situation.”

Look, folks. Las Vegas isn’t just some other desert city formed by gangsters for legal gambling and prostitution. It’s a city with feelings. To imply that it’s expensive to stay in a hotel shaped like a giant pyramid, drink $10 cocktails all night, get married and divorced within 24 hours and lose your girlfriend in a high stakes poker match–as they advertise–is just plain mean.

We’re very service oriented

Great news for Chugs “Chris” Taylor, a brothel in Nevada wants to hire some male prostitutes. They would be the first legal male ones in the state’s history.

The men would work at the Shady Lady Ranch, which sort of needs a new name at this point, don’t you think? Nevada is very proud of its legal prostitution program. For the past 25 years, not a single prostitute has contracted HIV.

So if you need a guy–seriously, soon you be able to do so in Nevada. Chugs prefers ladies.

Phillies fans (allegedly) blow

A lifetime of sex in exchange for food, shelter, and babies? ASK.Police arrested 43-year-old Susan Finkelstein for soliciting prostitution (and related misdeamenors) in exchange for World Series tickets.

The Bensalem cops set up the sting after finding her ad on Craigslist, proving that you really can find anything you’re looking for on that site, whether it’s tickets or sex with a “married with children, current Penn grad student in liberal arts and onetime assistant PR director at the University of Pennsylvania.”

When she met the cop in the bar, she reportedly offered to “engage in various sexual acts in return for a ticket,” and when assured he did, “she was willing to up the sexcapades, according to [Bensalem Public Safety Director Fred] Harran.”

“Up the sexcapades?” Really? That’s your quote, public official? … OK.

We’re not endorsing prostitution, but remember, always always always ask if someone’s a cop when offering sex for payment, even if it’s just for dinner and a movie.

Death of a Sales Pimp

Taiwan sheds many, many tears today as the country sees the closure of its last legal brothel. Of course, it could be said that The Guys suppose that¬† 87-year old pimp probably earned his retirement–even if he’s spending it in the grave. Meanwhile, if anyone has openings for its other two employees, we’d sure they like to know. It’s hard for middle-aged sex workers to find decent work these days. Heck, in this economy, it’s hard for anyone to get a job.

That’s one #@%*ing mixed message

OK, so first we’ve got this article on CNN: “Bartering sex for stuff or services.” In it, cases are presented of women offering sex for services like tour guides of the Amazon, test answers and unclogged plumbing for sex.

So, the good news is that the porn industry isn’t completely full of crap. (Well, unless it’s one of those films.)

Next up from the same CNN page on the same day: “FBI: Couple wants car, offers sex with 5-year-old.”

So, apparently there is a right way and a wrong way to whore it up. Thanks for almost clearing that up.

We’ll take “Potent Potables” or “Pregnant Prostitution”

It’s been a busy week for us here trying to keep up with all the stripper/hooker related news, but this one takes the baby cake. It’s the mother of all hooker stories. It’s so good you’ll slap your mama. Mama said knock you out, I’m gonna knock you out. Alright, finished with the puns.

If you ever wanted some baby booty, look no further than Missouri where cops busted a pregnant prostitution ring. The arrests have led to the debate that if they are pregant, are they still considered milfs?