The best part of waking up

Unless you’re a banker or cheese enthusiast, you’ve probably never felt the urge to travel to Switzerland. After a new cafe opens in Geneva, you may actually consider moving there.

A full-service cafe is in the works for the city, and by “full service,” we mean, “full-service.” Coffee enthusiasts would be able to enjoy their morning cup accompanied by oral sex from the prostitute of their choice. The business plan is sure to keep them coming back. Order your unusually expensive coffee, then select on an iPad the prostitute you want for your new favorite morning ritual. The cafe would be the first of its kind in Switzerland if it is approved.

The down side is that the cafe is sure to have long lines due to slow service.

When soliciting sex, try not to call a police officer

Cold calls are dreadful. People hate getting them, and the people making the calls don’t like it that much either, but it drums up business. So it works for the most part, provided that you’re not doing anything illegal, and you don’t say, call a cop.

A Maryland woman learned that lesson this week. Police say a member of Frederick Police Department’s Drug Enforcement Unit received a call from the 44-year-old woman offering money for sex. She didn’t dial a random number, she had the officer’s number from an unrelated incident, and apparently forgot to write down “Cop” next to it.

And of course, when the woman arrived at the agreed upon place, the authorities were waiting. This is exactly what the Do Not Call List is for, people.

Sometimes, keeping your overhead costs low just isn’t worth it

Again, people, we completely understand that making an honest dollar is difficult. If you’re self-employed or a small business owner, you’re already at a disadvantage. Professional marketing is not cheap, which can be a striking blow as you’re trying to keep your overheads costs low. How else can you maximize your profitability?

Nonetheless, sometimes it’s worth it to spend the extra money. Just in case.

Also, know your market beforehand. Just because you’re at a library doesn’t necessarily mean that the sexy librarian motif is something you need to run with.

It’s a tough job, but somebody has to do them

At the very least, they ask to keep their bachelorette party moonlighting gigs.
At the very least, they ask to keep their bachelorette party moonlighting gigs.

The Honolulu Police Department has one simple request: please allow them to continue having sex with prostitutes.

Not that they’re saying that they do have sex with prostitutes.

Just that if — you know, hypothetically speaking — there was a gun to their head and, given the choice between head and their head, they could choose head. Or something.

But, just to reiterate: this is duty-driven. They’re not using this to just bang hookers. Again, not that they are.

And here you thought it was bad when they used their privilege to speed or run red lights.

LinkedIn users no longer do it for the money

Thanks to this cash, I can't even smell the ass on my knuckles.
With this cash in the way, I can’t even smell the ass on my knuckles anymore.

Let’s say you choose to do something distasteful on a daily basis on the condition that you’re paid for it. Maybe you didn’t plan on cleaning porta-johns, but, hey, the money’s good. Or maybe you’re writing copy for a company you don’t particularly like, say a weapons manufacturer, but it beats suckin’ dicks for a living, right?

It’s not like you’re a prostitute, even though the only difference between you is whether you take a shower every hour (or choose not to when you should). The mere implication that you accept money like a whore is insulting, right?

That’s what LinkedIn says, anyway, about actual sex workers. They’re not allowed to use the online spam service to network in their chosen career field. Of course, LinkedIn still offers the option to endorse other users for “prostitution,” so they can’t be t–

… You just left this page to endorse all your former bosses and coworkers for “prostitution,” didn’t you?

[Special thanks to Anthony S.]

That is most certainly not hand sanitizer

If you didn’t already think that Wal-Mart bathrooms were skeevy, this won’t change your opinion for the better.

A man has been accused of prostituting himself. In a Wal-Mart bathroom. On his breaks as an employee of said Wal-Mart. And the dirtiest part: he’s alleged to have used Craigslist to set up said escapades.

Despite the legality of the situation (it’s not legal), one must admire the hustle and work ethic of the man to earn a dollar, no matter how scary the location may be.

Some methy business

The 2001 national Sheriff of the Year, Patrick Sullivan, has plead guilty to trading meth for sex and will serve 38 days in the Arapahoe County, Colo., jail bearing his own name.

The only setting more ironic is The Guys’ screenplay where a time-traveling teenage Ronald Reagan is forced by 2012 truancy laws to attend a high school named after him. (He plays a minor role in the school play and ends up elected senior class president.)

Maybe next time they don’t accept PayPal?

We all crave the comeuppance of snooty people. They stand there with their noses turned up, pinky-fingers circling around and going on and on with a HARUMPH. It’s palpably delicious when their plans go awry and end up being hoisted with their own petard. For example:

Two ageing professors accused of running a sophisticated prostitution web site appeared to have one goal: they wanted to create a place where respected men like themselves could go for sex without having to worry about getting caught up in street stings.

The problem is that the internet doesn’t discriminate: it hates everyone and their attempts at circumventing the law equally. As such, when you try to provide a service for other old white dudes like yourself, prepare to see yourself on the wrong end of the law, even if the sting in question is of the internet kind.

Now, I’ve not been able to find a single story that details what the two men were professors of, but it’s safe bet that they’re not in charge of the business or IT departments.


It’s Friday afternoon, so we figured we’d give you little hornballs out there a dose of bunga-bunga.

Embattled Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi faces more and more pressure everyday to step down. Women protesters have called for his resignation, prosecutors want to try him for underage prostitution, and the parliament is considering bumping up their elections.

To all of this, Berlusconi replied: “[No] one can rule better than me.”

He followed that up with: “I mean, name one prime minister who has loved women more than me.”

It’s amazing the favors you can get at low prices

On Friday morning, Tony Kornheiser sarcastically alluded that the French dream was to go into prostitution and save up the money for a beauty parlor. If this humorous joke is true, then the French johns are going about it all the wrong way. Currency? Legal tender? That’s for chumps. They need to follow John Johnson Jr.’s example and instead pay for lovin’ with candy.

No, really.

Johnson, a jail nurse, is being accused of assaulting seven female inmates. How did he keep them quiet? He used the same items that women have fallen for ever since the beginning of time-candy and soda.

We can only assume that the incredibly low standards of the inmates eventually rose up when he mistakenly approached a livabetic diabetic prisoner about a deal.