The Tour de France stands as an example that the rest of the world is really into sports the U.S. only cares about if an American team happens to be really good at it. But it’s going on right now, even though we just had the World Cup. And maybe a big bicycle race is worth watching after all, because some bikers accidentally got teargassed.
Turns out some French farmers are really mad at the French government about some French laws, and they chose to protest at the Tour de France. Given our limited knowledge of the geography of France, if there are farmers, it’s either where they grow grapes or where Belle from Beauty and the Beast is from.
The farmers put up hay bales to block the Tour de France for their protest, and the police cleared them out by using teargas. Unfortunately the gas hadn’t cleared when the riders got there, and it got in their eyes.
After a 15 minute break, and some eye rinsing, the race was back on.
See if you can guess where this is going. A helmet-less motorcyclist who was part of a protest against helmet laws:
a) Successfully navigated the roads designated for the route, striking a blow for liberty and proving to all that helmets only protect your virginity.
b) Hit a bump the wrong way, recovered and wondered what could have happened had he fallen without a helmet and made a mental note for future decisions.
c) Donated his brains to the Western New York pavement in an accident that doctors say would not have been fatal had he been wearing a helmet.
If you said c, you’re correct and can probably guess how Ohio’s new guns in bars law will turn out.
If you’ve wondered what happened to the stand-up comedians of the ’70s, ’80s and ’90s (or the Mom Rock of comedy), we’ve found them. Turns out they were in Saudi Arabia this whole time, making sure the government knows that women are terrible drivers. And, much the same way they courageously confronted and ended the practice of airline food, it’s working … for now.
New Zealand, also known as Australia’s little brother, will soon be able to partake in the self-destructive joy that is the KFC Double Down. As the people of the country are known for being a sturdier and hardier group of individuals, this should potentially be cause for celebration. Except, not everyone in New Zealand is keen on the sandwich-zilla making its way into their neck of the woods.
TV cook Annabelle White calls the bunless sandwich a “crime against food” and says there is “absolutely nothing redeeming about this product.”
Normally, I’d call somebody out on using hyperbole, but, in White’s defense, it is a fairly horrific sandwich in appearance. In the article’s picture, the chicken breasts look like a combination of chicken and a hash brown/round, the sauce looks like it might drip all over whatever you’re wearing and the bacon slices mock you. They mock you and your beating (but not for long) heart.
Usually, we take our corn for granted. It’s yellow, it grows on a stalk, and it tastes good with butter and salt. It’s really not a big deal. But in Mexico, corn is a big deal.
Greenpeace held a protest in Mexico City against genetically-modified corn. We don’t normally–or ever–agree with Greenpeace, but in this case, we have to. Haven’t you read “Jurassic Park?” Sure you can make genetically-modified corn as a tourist attraction, but nature finds a way. Eventually, the corn will be able to change genders, and start procreating and eventually take over the island.
It’s chaos theory.
Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarianism Militia
August 1, 2009 Meeting Minutes
Attendance: 3,171, of which 3,101 were new members as of November 5, 2008.
Icebreaker: Loudest gun mods and quietest homemade silencers contest
Pat Simmons won for loudest gun modification by adding a police siren and glass pack to his Browning Automatic Rifle.
He narrowly edged out second place, (his brother) Greg Simmons’ similar modification, by yelling, “USA!” very loudly while firing. Greg tried to yell, too, but he had already lost his voice at the Ted Nugget tribute show last night at the Flying-J.
Jerome Lyzon won for quietest homemade silencer by skewering a summer sausage with his .357 magnum. For the record, Lyzon added that there’s nothing gay to be taken from that and shut up, you’re queer. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Explaining guns at health care protests
Got any plans for the weekend? Really? Oh, that sounds cool, have a good time with that. Me? No, I’m laying low this weekend. I celebrated You Missed It’s first birthday a little too much last weekend, if you know what I mean. Time to recover. Phew! If you were busy challenging Larry King to a Twitter follower war this week, odds are you missed it.
Cramming a protest down leaders’ throats
More than 200 years ago, Samuel Adams and the Sons of Liberty threw boxes of tea overboard in protest of taxes levied by the British Parliament without any consultation of the colonies. On April 15, tax day, conservatives recreated the event across the country, protesting taxes that are approved by people they voted to represent them, which is clearly unfair in principle. Protesters threw tea around and even mailed tea bags to their elected officials. They even called themselves teabaggers. I am still struggling to find a comedic angle to this one.
Voice lovely, face, not so much
It’s the kind of story you expect from a hokey romantic comedy, as if there was any other kind. Practically overnight, Susan Boyle, 47, has become a sensation in much of the civilized world. The Scottish woman appeared on Britain’s Got Talent, and wowed judges when she sang “I Dreamed A Dream.” Boyle says she has never been kissed, mostly because shes not really attractive. Wait a minute, she’s Scottish? Shouldn’t she be on Scotland’s Got Talent?
I used to love her, but I had to kill her
In an interview with The Rolling Stone, Hulk Hogan said, “I totally understand O.J.,” and who can blame him? “I could have turned everything into a crime scene like O.J., cutting everybody’s throat,” Hogan said in the interview. We’ve all been there. We all get the Hulkamania and just want to take everyone down with us, brother. If I were Jake the Snake, I’d watch out.
A pretentious protest? In France? Nah!
It might be hard to believe, but yes, protesters are hitting the streets of Paris to protest their cause. Yet it’s a sentiment any American can get behind. Workers are tired of unfair working conditions, formed a labor union and are sticking it to the man.
French nude models (Really? That’s a job?) are stripping in the streets to protest a ban on tips, as well as their low pay.
OK, we are willing to believe that there are people out there not in the porn or prostitution industries whose job it is to sit around naked all day and collect tips. (Seriously, how do you go into that line of work? Is there a special school for nude models? Do you need to have an impressive resumé?) But let’s think about this here for a minute. You’re protest the low pay of your job by doing your job for free.
It can safely be assumed that in response to the protesters, dozens of artist have shown up and begun to work.
What’s wrong SG-ite? Feeling let down that one public display of nudity has been ended? Well, fret not! Naked bike protesters have begun striking in Denver—and once again, the Guys had to skip the festivities due to a severe banana seat injury we sustained a while ago.
But, you know, we’d really rather not go into details about that.
Welcome to a new weekly feature we like to call You Missed It. No “In Case” just “You Missed It.” Every Friday around lunch time, we’ll run down the major news stories of the week, so you don’t have to feel like you aren’t paying attention.
Olympic Torch Relay
The Olympic torch relay made stops in Europe and North America this week, and all went according to plan. Protests in London, Paris and San Francisco were disrupted by protests against China’s human rights history. One green protester with bolts in his neck was heard to say, “Fire bad!”
American Airlines Cancels Flights
Thousands across the country were stranded this week when American Airlines canceled hundreds of flights because the planes had to be inspected for mechanical problems. Many passengers are still waiting at airports for another flight, but American Airlines made amends Friday when the company released a special announcement congratulating the passengers on their extended vacation.
Fall Out Boy Bassist, Ashlee Simpson Engaged
On Wednesday, Ashlee Simpson and Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz announced their engagement. The couple said they do not have a wedding date set, but Simpson will head into the studio later this month to record the audio for her part of the ceremony.
Polygamist Ranch in Texas
Police in Texas raided a compound owned by members of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, claiming members of the church forced teen girls to marry and have sex with them. Hear that, pedophiles? Get organized and invest in real estate.