The McBournie Minute: We don’t actually care about the National Anthem

Another week of the NFL is coming to a close, which means we have another round of reports and hot takes on the National Anthem, and who did and didn’t kneel in protest. On one side are supporters, who argue that 49ers backup quarterback Colin Kaepernick is right to use his stage to speak out against the injustice of police officers shooting unarmed black people, on the other are the people who say to not stand for the National Anthem is an insult against the troops/all cops everywhere/America/insert broad apolitical group used for political gain here.

Kaepernick’s protests have inspired others to join him, even in other sports. They have also brought down a lot of heat from talking heads on TV and police unions alike. Which lead to the Seattle Seahawks doing a “protest” so careful not to offend either side it had no purpose. The issue is far from resolved, and it seems like every week another controversial shooting makes headlines.

But whatever happens, Kaepernick has exposed one thing about America: no one really cares about the National Anthem. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: We don’t actually care about the National Anthem

Hong Kong democracy protesters open hole into alternate universe where Kenny G matters

Based on Kenny G's ageless appearance, it's possible that he merely jumped in time from 1993 directly to the 2014 Hong Kong protests. Or he's an elf.
Based on Kenny G’s ageless appearance, it’s possible that he merely jumped in time from 1993 directly to the 2014 Hong Kong protests. Or he’s an elf.

The Guys support a lot of scientific ideas, but the existence of alternate universes based on the chaotic actions of the universe has not been one of them. However, the evidence in Hong Kong is stark and, frankly, conclusive: an alternative universe exists where Kenny G is still relevant, and it has intersected with our own.

If you haven’t noticed the change and believe that adult contemporary alto sax player Kenny G always was and remains relevant, let us tell you about our universe before students in Hong Kong protested in favor of freely nominating and electing their own leaders.

In our universe, Kenneth Bruce Gorelick — or, to his friends and people who survived the Cosby Cancellation Riots of the late 1990s, Kenny G — released two inexplicably, yet massively successful albums: Duotones in 1986 and Breathless (get it!?) in 1992. He was the Norah Jones of what musicologists would later term the Hootie Era, and then he gracefully disappeared.

But, in the intersecting alternative universe, Kenny G became a popular performer in China and recorded a song, “Going Home,” that is now the universally recognized audio cue for Chinese people to not necessarily go home, but stop staying in the venue playing it.

And, to make matters worse, neither side is entirely sure what his inter-dimensional presence at the protest means, but figuring it out is vitally important to both of them. Either he’s letting the protesters know that it’s time to clear the public square and go home, or he’s yet another Westerner trying to undo Chinese communism and, quite possibly, the fabric of space-time itself.

Whatever the case, we wish him all the success in the world. (Would you really miss this universe?)

Defending the constitution *with* Nazi flag a new and novel approach

We don’t stereotype a whole lot Correction: we stereotype almost all the time. That said, most of our stereotypes and type-casting is right on the money. As such, if we told you that there was an elderly white man that had served in the United States Marines, and presumably in a war, then we’d expect you to believe us. If we told you that the same elderly man was flying a Nazi flag, in protest of President Obama, you probably wouldn’t believe us.

And yet, it’s true.

He cites the President’s lack of answers about Benghazi, and Fast and Furious, and his policies on abortion.

Now, I’ve never once claimed to be always up on the news of the government’s oopsie-daisies, but I’d think that his beef regarding Fast and Furious is not with Obama, but with Vin Diesel.

Predictable consequences ride in the sidecar

See if you can guess where this is going. A helmet-less motorcyclist who was part of a protest against helmet laws:

a) Successfully navigated the roads designated for the route, striking a blow for liberty and proving to all that helmets only protect your virginity.

b) Hit a bump the wrong way, recovered and wondered what could have happened had he fallen without a helmet and made a mental note for future decisions.

c) Donated his brains to the Western New York pavement in an accident that doctors say would not have been fatal had he been wearing a helmet.

If you said c, you’re correct and can probably guess how Ohio’s new guns in bars law will turn out.

So that’s where Bobby Collins went

If you’ve wondered what happened to the stand-up comedians of the ’70s, ’80s and ’90s (or the Mom Rock of comedy), we’ve found them. Turns out they were in Saudi Arabia this whole time, making sure the government knows that women are terrible drivers. And, much the same way they courageously confronted and ended the practice of airline food, it’s working … for now.

Almost double downing down under

New Zealand, also known as Australia’s little brother, will soon be able to partake in the self-destructive joy that is the KFC Double Down. As the people of the country are known for being a sturdier and hardier group of individuals, this should potentially be cause for celebration. Except, not everyone in New Zealand is keen on the sandwich-zilla making its way into their neck of the woods.

TV cook Annabelle White calls the bunless sandwich a “crime against food” and says there is “absolutely nothing redeeming about this product.”

Normally, I’d call somebody out on using hyperbole, but, in White’s defense, it is a fairly horrific sandwich in appearance. In the article’s picture, the chicken breasts look like a combination of chicken and a hash brown/round, the sauce looks like it might drip all over whatever you’re wearing and the bacon slices mock you. They mock you and your beating (but not for long) heart.

Jurassic corn

Usually, we take our corn for granted. It’s yellow, it grows on a stalk, and it tastes good with butter and salt. It’s really not a big deal. But in Mexico, corn is a big deal.

Greenpeace held a protest in Mexico City against genetically-modified corn. We don’t normally–or ever–agree with Greenpeace, but in this case, we have to. Haven’t you read “Jurassic Park?” Sure you can make genetically-modified corn as a tourist attraction, but nature finds a way. Eventually, the corn will be able to change genders, and start procreating and eventually take over the island.

It’s chaos theory.

Take it from Snee: Explaining guns at health care protests

Rick Snee Antidisestablishmentarianism Militia

August 1, 2009 Meeting Minutes

Attendance: 3,171, of which 3,101 were new members as of November 5, 2008.

Icebreaker: Loudest gun mods and quietest homemade silencers contest

Pat Simmons won for loudest gun modification by adding a police siren and glass pack to his Browning Automatic Rifle.

He narrowly edged out second place, (his brother) Greg Simmons’ similar modification, by yelling, “USA!” very loudly while firing. Greg tried to yell, too, but he had already lost his voice at the Ted Nugget tribute show last night at the Flying-J.

Jerome Lyzon won for quietest homemade silencer by skewering a summer sausage with his .357 magnum. For the record, Lyzon added that there’s nothing gay to be taken from that and shut up, you’re queer. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Explaining guns at health care protests

You Missed It: Send more crumpets edition

Got any plans for the weekend? Really? Oh, that sounds cool, have a good time with that. Me? No, I’m laying low this weekend. I celebrated You Missed It’s first birthday a little too much last weekend, if you know what I mean. Time to recover. Phew! If you were busy challenging Larry King to a Twitter follower war this week, odds are you missed it.

Cramming a protest down leaders’ throats
More than 200 years ago, Samuel Adams and the Sons of Liberty threw boxes of tea overboard in protest of taxes levied by the British Parliament without any consultation of the colonies. On April 15, tax day, conservatives recreated the event across the country, protesting taxes that are approved by people they voted to represent them, which is clearly unfair in principle. Protesters threw tea around and even mailed tea bags to their elected officials. They even called themselves teabaggers. I am still struggling to find a comedic angle to this one.

Voice lovely, face, not so much
It’s the kind of story you expect from a hokey romantic comedy, as if there was any other kind. Practically overnight, Susan Boyle, 47, has become a sensation in much of the civilized world. The Scottish woman appeared on Britain’s Got Talent, and wowed judges when she sang “I Dreamed A Dream.” Boyle says she has never been kissed, mostly because shes not really attractive. Wait a minute, she’s Scottish? Shouldn’t she be on Scotland’s Got Talent?

I used to love her, but I had to kill her
In an interview with The Rolling Stone, Hulk Hogan said, “I totally understand O.J.,” and who can blame him? “I could have turned everything into a crime scene like O.J., cutting everybody’s throat,” Hogan said in the interview. We’ve all been there. We all get the Hulkamania and just want to take everyone down with us, brother. If I were Jake the Snake, I’d watch out.

Why can’t you just hold up signs like us?

A pretentious protest? In France? Nah!

It might be hard to believe, but yes, protesters are hitting the streets of Paris to protest their cause. Yet it’s a sentiment any American can get behind. Workers are tired of unfair working conditions, formed a labor union and are sticking it to the man.

French nude models (Really? That’s a job?) are stripping in the streets to protest a ban on tips, as well as their low pay.

OK, we are willing to believe that there are people out there not in the porn or prostitution industries whose job it is to sit around naked all day and collect tips. (Seriously, how do you go into that line of work? Is there a special school for nude models? Do you need to have an impressive resumé?) But let’s think about this here for a minute. You’re protest the low pay of your job by doing your job for free.

It can safely be assumed that in response to the protesters, dozens of artist have shown up and begun to work.