This column was originally published on Sept. 26, 2016, and because of the comments of the president, it’s very relevant almost a year to the day. I am heartened to see the protests against police brutality on minorities rising to such a prominent level in the American debate. Now let’s remember how silly it is that people get upset when people take a knee to a song about a fort being bombarded.
Another week of the NFL is coming to a close, which means we have another round of reports and hot takes on the National Anthem, and who did and didn’t kneel in protest. On one side are supporters, who argue that 49ers backup quarterback Colin Kaepernick is right to use his stage to speak out against the injustice of police officers shooting unarmed black people, on the other are the people who say to not stand for the National Anthem is an insult against the troops/all cops everywhere/America/insert broad apolitical group used for political gain here.
Kaepernick’s protests have inspired others to join him, even in other sports. They have also brought down a lot of heat from talking heads on TV and police unions alike. Which lead to the Seattle Seahawks doing a “protest” so careful not to offend either side it had no purpose. The issue is far from resolved, and it seems like every week another controversial shooting makes headlines.
For the sake of clarity, I am not a black person. Nor am I a person of any color, except possibly peach or, after a day of earning a beach-initials sticker for my Volvo, lobster red.
But, as a white person (by the way: I am white), this makes me uniquely qualified to advise other races on how to survive the system that my ancestors erected expressly for my personal benefit.
Don’t believe me? White people wrote at least 99 percent of the laws and sentencing codes in this country, and yet we still get probation for the offenses other races serve life sentences for. Same laws; different Pantone.
But, I’m also a generous white person. So, like most of my brethren online, I figured I’d explain to black people how to not be worthy of undue police attention and violence. There are really only two options …
Just when the world thought we could rule out Egypt from starting sh*t with the U.S., their Foreign Ministry dropped what may be the nation’s first snark bomb. They urged U.S. security forces in Ferguson, Mo. to “exercise restraint” in dealing with protests after local police reportedly shot an unarmed Michael Brown six times, twice in the head.
U.S. State Department officials are examining Egypt’s weapon of farcical intent to determine the severity of their sarcasm. This investigation includes learning whether the bomb-maker simply read the U.S. government’s 2013 warning to President Abdel-Fattah el-Sissi in a whiny voice and if there are any hidden implications about our moms.
Protests are taking a weird turn right now. Maybe it’s because the government is shut down, and with it the parks where protests would happen, along with the agencies that can give them the permits to do so. Yesterday, someone dumped a big bag of money on the lobby of a Senate office building. That was in protest for some food quality thing. Today, and all weekend long, we’ve got a few Tea Party truckers who are circling around the Beltway trying to slow traffic, in protest against corruption, or fuel regulations, depending on who you ask. If you crashed a college party to do an acoustic “Gangsta’s Paradise,” odds are you missed it.
What do Tom Hanks and Paula Deen have in common?
During an appearance on David Letterman this week, Tom Hanks announced that he has type 2 diabetes. He said he has had high blood sugar since he was 36, and it finally turned into the disease. Some point to his weight fluctuations for roles in movies, like losing weight for Philadelphia and Castaway, or gaining weight for A League of Their Own, but I think the problem began when Hanks dropped down to 0 lbs. to achieve weightlessness in Apollo 13.
This is what happens when you fire the papal copy editor
In honor of Pope Francis’ first year of being pope, the Vatican had over 6,000 commemorative medals struck in gold, silver and bronze. But they had to be called back this week when a typo was found on them. They misspelled Jesus’ name, printing it as “Lesus.” The Vatican apologized, saying they meant to put “Yeezus.”
This fight can only get trashy
This week, Jenni “JWoww” Farley attacked New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie for his stance on gay marriage. Last year, the state legislature passed a bill to allow same-sex unions, but the portly governor vetoed it. It’s unconscionable that two people who love each other can’t get married. If you want to win an argument with him, JWoww, put it in terms of food. If two hot dogs love each other, shouldn’t they be able to share the same stomach?
I can’t stress to you just how Not Safe For Work the link for this story is, and as such, if you click on it at work, you will be fired.
I warn you about it now. Do you understand me?
To repeat, as there will almost no people able to read this story initially, as if they click on the link, they will be fired. The link comes from a news source, but there is glorious rampant nudity in the main image. As such, allow me to sum up the story for you: Ukrainian feminists are fighting sex tourism through nudity.
Yes, you just read that. That is sound logic that SG agrees with.
Again, the link is highly Not Safe For Work. Click at your own risk. You have been warned.
With several major banks posting gains last quarter and hopes for the end of the recession on the rise, now seems like the perfect time to protest the liberal bailout plan, right? That was certainly the conservatives’ point of view, and they were ready to show their displeasure with the liberal attempt to get out of the economic hole conservative fundamentals got us into.
As a grassroots movement, Republicans got organized and held “tea parties” yesterday because they were “Taxed Enough Already,” get it? TEA? But this time, for some reason, no one got dressed up as Native Americans like they did in 1773. However, Samuel Adams may have been in attendance.
At these parties, teabaggers (yes, that’s really what they call themselves) opened their mouths wide so they could be heard. They had no issue staying out all day standing around; in fact, they squatted down every now and then. They spoke for hours, expressing their displeasure with the way corporations were getting bailout money and the majority of Americans were scheduled to get tax cuts in 2010. As a show of solidarity, every Republican governor in the country told the U.S. Treasury that they don’t need the stimulus money heading their way–oh, wait.
Protesters are canvasing the streets of the nation’s capitol today, sustaining themselves on the leftovers in trashcans from Tuesday’s inauguration/big-ass balls. They’re marking the anniversary of Roe v. Wade, the only Supreme Court case most Americans can name, which made abortion legal in the United States.
Oh, but they’re not burning babies like their hippie forebears. No, they want abortion made illegal again.
This Web site supports free speech and all consequences that result from it, but don’t these people know what they’re asking for?
Parents have maintained order in the great nation of ours with a threat: “I brought you into this world, and I can take you back out of it.” As we’ve mentioned before, this threat does not work if it is an empty one. It will only work if some parents occasionally take their children out of the world, and if others refuse to bring their children into the world. (You know, to punish them for presumably making a #2 inside of you.)
So, how can you bring your well-behaved teenage children to sleep-ins (no, really) to protest the actions of others that enabled you to raise them? Hypocrites.