Measuring up ye bagpipes

Depending on who you ask, size matters. That’s what researchers in Scotland found out from 323 lasses, mostly university students.

Assuming that the average wee beastie measures between the lengths of a 20-pound note and a U.S. dollar bill — that sound you just heard is men everywhere checking their wallets for cash — psychologists asked each woman if they were more likely to orgasm vaginally from a longer-than-average or shorter-than-average walloper.

160, or just over half, had actually had a vaginal-only orgasm and enough partners to compare experiences with. “Of these, 33.8 percent preferred longer-than-average penises, 60 percent said size made no difference and 6.3 percent said longer was less pleasurable than shorter” because they just finished banging the census taker and didn’t want to offend him.

100 percent of the lasses agreed, however, that if your penis isn’t Scottish, then it’s CRAAAAAP!

 (Special thanks to Patrick H.)

So … how did that make you feel?

Let’s say you are the president of a university. (This is very easy if you actually are one, which is probably a common demographic of our readers.)

Now, let’s imagine that one of your professors invited a musician/sex educator and his fiancé to help teach a voluntary psychology lecture on sex toys and the female orgasm. The musician then penetrates his wife, on stage, with an apparatus comprised of a machine-powered saw with a phallus at the end until she achieves orgasm. (Talk about your Mythbusters, right?)

OK, so people at the school are upset. Do you:

A. Quietly discipline the professor in a professional setting?

B. Ask for the number of the exhibitionist and ask if they does weddings? (… For the music!)

C. Publicly denounce the lecture in the press, attracting every Internet pervert and gawker’s attention to what was once a highly-respected institute of learning?

If you answered C, then congratulations! You made it onto today!

It worked for Beethoven

If you’ve ever encountered children, then we will guarantee you’ve wanted to hit at least one of them. Don’t get all defensive; some of them practically ask for it.

For some reason, this practice has been frowned upon, resulting in criminal charges and governments taking children away. And as of lately, you can’t even shake a baby when they get unruly, even if they have a gun!

Fortunately, Marjorie Gunnoe of Calvin College is on our side! Psychology professor Gunnoe has found in her research that children smacked before the age of six are more likely to perform better at school, do voluntary work and want to go to college when they are teenagers than their non-tenderized peers.

Our only suggestion? If you’re going to sock your toddler for airline terrorism, avoid the head. They’ll need that for the college they want to attend.

Take it from Snee: Grief counselor kills 14 students

Grief counselor kills 14 in school shooting spree
Over 40 wounded or dying as her colleagues rush to the scene
By RICK SNEE | The Boozociated Press
3:56 PM EDT, September 10, 2028

KANSAS CITY – What had once been a (relatively) tranquil Thursday morning turned into a riot as over 3,000 grief counselors swarmed the survivors of a shooting spree at Robert S. Fulton Middle School. Continue reading Take it from Snee: Grief counselor kills 14 students