Runner’s runs defiling neighborhood

After multiple mid-run runs, it might be time to invest in brown shorts.

Every neighborhood has That Runner. You know, the one that does push-ups when waiting for cross lights … or spends more lung capacity hocking loogies on everything than breathing … or never wears a shirt (sorry, not sorry for that last one). But, at least we’re not pooping on your lawn.

Multiple eyewitnesses in a Colorado Springs neighborhood have caught¬†an unidentified runner mid-trots (in both meanings) on their front yards, back yards and even on a Walgreen’s. The runner has used the same lawn multiple times and even comes equipped with napkins to wipe afterwards.

So, this isn’t just an isolated case of Runners’ Trots every now and then. This is full-on pigeon behavior — which we all know is intentional because you never see bird turds on statues of other birds.

The Colorado Springs Police Department urges that, while this is comical, it’s important that we, the Internet, keep it together and not lose our sh-t. There are mental health issues to consider; we should consider this runner at least as dangerous as a bear pooping in … well, not the woods (a situation that the CSPD has handled in the past!).

San Francisco will host Super Bowel

The NFL season is almost here, and unless you’re a Washington Redskins fan, your team has a chance of going all the way this year. But you may not want them to get to the Super Bowl in San Francisco.

The city is in the midst of a poop wave. According to reports, the cool new thing to do in Frisco is public defecation. There’s human crap everywhere in the city, and that problem will only get worse with the influx of football fans when the Super Bowl rolls around. City officials are trying to figure out how to deal with the crap problem.

The Guys would suggest adding more public toilets. You can’t expect all those foodies to enjoy the local restaurants without anticipating the inevitable consequences.

Here’s some crap you missed while we were out

We’re back after taking a week off, so there’s a lot to catch up on. You’re in luck if you’re hankering for some poop news, specifically, Nordic poop news.

In Norway, authorities are searching for a serial pooper. For a decade, the Stavanger Golf Club has found human feces and used toilet paper on certain holes. All they know is that the person rides a bike, because of tracks in the dew on the course, and that it’s a man. How could they know that?

“We know it is a man because the poos are too massive to be from a woman.”

Let’s move on to Iceland. A national park with an unpronounceable name has long suffered from a lack of public toilets. Unfortunately it had led to public defecation. Worst of all, most of the pooping seems to be going on in a church yard where some famous poets are buried. Yet another reason not to go into poetry.