Bad news: Booze ingredients running low

It’s August, which means winter seasonal beers are just a few weeks away. But it also means pumpkin beers will be hitting shelves any day now. But it’s not good news for pumpkin beer lovers, they’re running low on pumpkins.

For the second year in a row, American brewers report that they are having trouble finding enough orange gourds to make the beer that people either love or compare to Hitler. It seems pumpkin demand is so high that farmers aren’t able to keep up with demand, plus, some farmers, such as those in the Richmond, Virginia area, suffered a bad pumpkin crop this year.

And in Europe, things aren’t looking so good for fans of bubbly. The Champagne region of France, which is coincidentally where champagne is made, has had a rough grape-growing year. Vineyards have suffered from rot, mildew and frost. That means it’s going to be a bad year for your favorite New Year’s beverage.

We don’t mean to be alarmist, but now might be the time to stock up on alcohol, you know, before everyone else cleans out the stores.

Your pumpkin is causing icebergs to melt

It’s nearly Halloween, and across the country, Americans are carving their gourds into geeky things in hopes of going viral for an hour, while others just draw a face and leave it at that. If you have a pumpkin, congratulations, you’re ruining the environment.

According to a report from the Department of Energy, pumpkins are making climate change worse. An estimated 1.3 billion pounds of rotting pumpkin meat will end up in U.S. landfills this year. And while making our landfills into big pumpkin pies might sound like fun, it turns out that all that rotting flesh is letting off methane as it disintegrates. And methane is a greenhouse gas.

Couple that with all of the smoke coming off of that little candle inside your jack-o-lantern, and you’ve got a climate change bomb, just as the devil wanted.

You Missed It: Ugly cry edition

Keep it together, man.
Keep it together, man.

I’m having a tough time wrapping my head around the song for the new James Bond movie. “Writing’s on the Wall” is Sam Smith’s take on a theme song for spy thriller, and for some reason it’s slow and seemingly filled with self-doubt, which is the opposite of Bond. While the songs from Bond films are a mixed bag at best, at least they usually feel like they belong in a movie filled with explosions and easy women. The thing is, I can’t figure out which Tom Petty song Smith is stealing from this time.

The audacity of pope
Pope Francis started his tour of the U.S. this week by spending three days in Washington, D.C. He met with government officials, ate lunch with Catholic charities, and even addressed a joint session of Congress. The very next day, House Speaker John Boehner announced he will resign next month. No doubt because he allowed the literal head of a foreign religion to come in and tell us what we should do.

Das illegal
It was discovered this week that Volkswagen cheated on its emissions tests for its diesel cars for years in the U.S. and Germany. The company initially denied the claim, which means it supplied it, according to emissions playground rules. CEO Martin Winterkorn apologized and stepped down from his post. Worst of all, he has been uninvited to all the cool Oktoberfest events.

It’s officially fall
Port police in Philadelphia intercepted a shipment of 360 pounds of cocaine hidden inside pumpkins imported from Costa Rica, authorities said this week. Man, pumpkin spice is in everything this time of year.

The McBournie Minute: Pumpkins bring out the worst in white people

Folks, it’s time for the white community to do some soul searching. I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about: the Keene Pumpkin Festival in New Hampshire. This past weekend was a terrible one for residents there, as college kids used the event to party and then riot for no reason other than there is nothing else to do in Keene, N.H.

Beers were drank, bottles were thrown, cars were flipped, bros were arrested and riot gear was dawned. An estimated 30 people were injured in the weekend-long riot at what was supposed to be a peaceful and family-friendly gathering of the mostly white population of Keene.

It’s safe to say that white people have finally taken the pumpkin spice trend too far. Continue reading The McBournie Minute: Pumpkins bring out the worst in white people